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  #11  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:37 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I head home after our date and realized that I could not remember that little pause while he puts on the condom. I texted him to ask if I just hadn't noticed him putting on a condom. He called me back the next morning (the text was very late night) to say that he had not used a condom, he had asked me about not using one and thought I had agreed. And he was really sorry and wanted to talk.
Call me a cynic... but this is suspect to me.

I just can't fathom being careless enough in life to "accidently" fluid bond... maybes it a lack of sleep but the "oops I didn't wear a condom and just came in you" story sounds like bullshit to me.

I have re-read this several times and I have even mentioned it to my wife... I am just blubbering at how... hell I don't even know.
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  #12  
Old 03-28-2011, 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post

I head home after our date and realized that I could not remember that little pause while he puts on the condom. I texted him to ask if I just hadn't noticed him putting on a condom. He called me back the next morning (the text was very late night) to say that he had not used a condom, he had asked me about not using one and thought I had agreed. And he was really sorry and wanted to talk.
Call me a cynic... but this is suspect to me.

I just can't fathom being careless enough in life to "accidently" fluid bond... maybes it a lack of sleep but the "oops I didn't wear a condom and just came in you" story sounds like bullshit to me.

I have re-read this several times and I have even mentioned it to my wife... I am just blubbering at how... hell I don't even know.
I agree, Ari. Truthfully, the whole story of how it happened is weird. To the OP, I've actually been pondering this scenario since I posted earlier. I don't mean to come off sounding like I'm being judgmental, but I am saying this out of concern: seriously, it is hard to comprehend on both sides. Saying, "Oh, I don't remember if he put it on...", as well as his excuse, both sound like teenagers kind of floundering to find a reason they did something they really wanted to do anyway. Not saying that was the case, but it is somewhat alarming. I've already posted about that aspect of it, though.

It actually scares me that one can be so absent from the process.

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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
. . . lets just say that the brain was not driving the bus at that point. And yes I should have noticed, should have been paying more attention, but at that moment, I just didn't.
Not to make you feel worse, but this is cause for concern. I hope you look out for yourself and are more aware from now on.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2011 at 05:19 AM.
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  #13  
Old 03-28-2011, 03:44 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I made that mistake once, I'm not at all proud of it...still actually quite ashamed - But it did happen, and both he and I took responsibility for it. Did all the right things post mistake. We both came out clean and without an unwanted pregnancy.
Of course, it did cause some ongoing problems...as I don't think either of us fully recovered from it, in the sense of how silly we had been. I think the feelings of guilt really weighed heavily on both sides.

So, I understand how it can happen, it is a mistake for sure...but I've also been there. It was certainly a learning experience for me. Sounds like the OP is already feeling pretty down about it all.

Congrats on getting your lessons learned down. That's a good step
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  #14  
Old 04-07-2011, 01:34 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Not pregnant! Whew!
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  #15  
Old 04-07-2011, 02:37 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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I'm going to take a different tack from some of the comments here: I can understand SW thinking (if you didn't make this 3-month lag clear to him [it's a birth control method I've never heard of before]): 'Well, she's safe from pregnancy, we've both been tested for STDs and AIDS (and we're both low-risk because of our normal safe-sex principles and practices), she was using condoms before because of the pregnancy risk, so that reason has disappeared...'

I would say that your 2 biggest mistakes were

a) not making it absolutely clear to him about
i) the fluid bonding (or whatever you want to call it) with your GF,
ii) the results of your STD tests not being back yet,
iii) the 3-month delay factor;

and b) not paying attention (but I can imagine how this might happen - from your point of view / responsibility).

The real sticking point for me is his breaking of his own fluid bonding. As you wrote, "Why would he do this?", and "it literally never occurred to me that he would want bareback sex with me". (And why did he wait until he'd slipped it in before asking: "Is this alright?" Sad to say, but some men do think with their dicks.)

Still, what's done is done, and I think that you should stop beating yourself up over it.

Positive points:
You're not pregnant. (yay!)
You've learned some important lessons. (hurray!)
You're going to have "let's get this absolutely clear" talks with both your men-friends (and - I would hope - any future sex partners). (yippee!)
This is not going to happen again. (loud cheers all 'round)

(There are some poor saps out there who never learn. Count yourself lucky on that score.)
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #16  
Old 04-07-2011, 02:45 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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MrFarFromRight,

Thanks for the kind words - and to everyone else who chimed in. Yep, learned all kinds of lessons. "Another fucking opportunity for personal growth" - I don't know the origin of that phrase but it's stuck with me lately.

And, yeah, breaking his fluid bond bothers me too. I'm going to talk to him about it next time I see him.
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  #17  
Old 04-07-2011, 07:59 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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I've got a sad little story about safe sex / unsafe sex that has left a lasting wound (spiritual/emotional, not physical). [re-reading: warning! not so little!]

Back in the days before AIDS, I started a mono-relationship with C. I honestly can't remember the kind of contraception that she was using, but it was one that was a bother to her (the pill / health risks + cockeyed hormones? IUD / irritating string?) and not an "apply when applicable" one like condoms or a diaphragm. So when I told her that I'd had the snip, she was more than happy to call a halt to the method she'd been using.

And yes, I had been through the 3-month delay period and had been (more than a year earlier) back to the clinic to get my sperm-count: 0 check-up. (Testing for STDs was also no hassle: she worked, in fact, as a hospital lab technician and ran the tests herself).

I really liked C, but it soon became apparent (to me) that we were bad for each other as lovers. [One aspect: she was trying to turn me into someone I wasn't, and guilt-tripping me for not living up to her expectations.] So I broke up with her, but tried to stay good friends.

Before resuming safe sex practices (or - if it was the pill - before the effects became effective), she had what she later told me was a one-night-stand ("I was thinking of you while I did it with him")... and got pregnant. Both he and I counselled an abortion: she was single, already over-worked (working extra night shifts and weekends to keep her head above water financially), and with parents who would be "less than sympathetic". "Less than sympathetic": HAAA! She was scared to tell them until the 5th month and she had to because it was about to be visibly obvious. And then her father called her a whore.

My stance: I want the best for you and sure, an abortion's rough. But even rougher is going to be bringing up a child on your own in your present circumstances... or the heartbreak of giving a baby up for adoption.

His stance: ditto plus "I'm going through a divorce right now, and my still-wife must not get a hold of this ammunition to use against me. I will pay for the abortion, but can't go to the clinic with you, or support you if you should decide to have the child..."

As you'll know (from her father's reaction) she decided to have the child. Now come more complications:

a) She decided to go to a preparation for home birth class (once a week). They asked her to be accompanied by the father of the child (right out of the question) or a friend who was prepared to commit to going through the birthing process with her... and she asked me.

b) She was still in love with me and it hurt her a great deal when other people at the class referred (some obstinately, after being repeatedly corrected) to me as "your husband... well, then; your boyfriend... well, then: the father of your coming child... what? Oh, just good friends?... Well anyway..."

b2) I missed this one out: I started to feel guilty about M's getting pregnant: If I hadn't had the vasectomy, she would have continued using her long-range contraception method, and wouldn't have got pregnant by that one-night-stand... Silly, I suppose, but I can't get completely free of this.

c) I am what Marge Piercy in my favourite utopian novel Woman On The Edge Of Time [check it out for a polyamorous society] calls a "childbinder" and then some. Children are the most important aspect of my life, bar none. I would rather hold a sleeping baby in my arms than have the wildest night of hottest sex imaginable. It even beats dancing!

d) I also became a fanatic of home births.

e) I fell soooo in love with C's son - M - as soon as he was born.

f) C had told me that she would never leave her baby in the care of her parents (considering the way they'd brought her up and the attitudes they had). I was slated to be the #1 babysitter (and could well have become a co-parent... as far as I was concerned) and it was agreed that I would move into her flat for the 2 weeks after the birth to act as home help and interface with the problems of the world.

g) As soon as the baby was born (we're talking here about less than 4 minutes), C asked a friend to 'phone her parents to inform them that they were grandparents. They showed up ASAP, the father boiling with indignation and accusations (because, of course, she'd been too scared to tell them that she would be having a home birth)... and it was decided that the mother would be moving in temporarily to look after C and M.

h) I swear that I wandered back to my empty flat with a strong case of post partum depression. I felt gutted.

i) C has never allowed me to baby-sit M. At first she told me that this was because of our wide difference of opinions on child-raising. But I had my doubts, and years later she admitted that yes, the real reason was that she was jealous because I was so obviously in love with her son and no longer with her.

j) I witnessed C's workload increasing, leaving M with her parents for ever more weekends while she worked extra hours (extra night shifts, too).

k) I moved away from the city, but continued to visit them... and M wrapped my heart around his finger. What a personality! He was one of the 20 loveliest people I've ever known (over a course of more than half a century).

l) When M was 8 years old, C stopped all my contact with him... and I haven't seen him since then. (Though C showed me a photo of him at 17.)

That was 20 years ago... And I still miss him.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #18  
Old 04-07-2011, 03:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
"Another fucking opportunity for personal growth" - I don't know the origin of that phrase but it's stuck with me lately.
I like this quote!

Also glad to hear you're not preggers.
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  #19  
Old 04-08-2011, 02:18 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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NYCindie,

I mutter it a lot to myself, not just for this particular travail. Gets the sarcasm in while reminding myself that, yes, this is how one grows.

MrFarFromRight,

Thank you for sharing that heartbreaking experience. I am so sorry you had to experience that.
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  #20  
Old 04-08-2011, 02:58 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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NYCindie,

I mutter it a lot to myself, not just for this particular travail. Gets the sarcasm in while reminding myself that, yes, this is how one grows.
There's a quote someone said to me years ago, that I mutter to myself sometimes, and say with others who are grappling with ... the shit in life: "Don't let the bastards get you down!" Only it was told to me in Gaelic.

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"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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