Need Help/First Loves/Advice Welcome
Hi everyone, I'm new to this both this site and the whole polyamorous relationship thing. So I'll give a bit of background on my situation cause I'd really like some input and maybe advice too. I'm using fake names for privacy.
Basically everything started at the end of 2009. I met this guy (Drew) online and we hit it off. I'd just recently begun to feel comfortable with my sexuality and it was nice having someone to talk to. After a couple weeks of online chatting we exchanged phone numbers. It was around then that I found out that he had a partner of a few years. I was fine with it all and we continued to talk.
His partner didn't like me at all to begin with. He didn't want me texting or calling or communicating online at all. So to be polite I tried to listen to him and be respectful. It was around Christmas of 2009 that his partner (Brian) finally saw who Drew had been talking to. He seemed nice, but I didn't really think much of it and then left for vacation shortly afterwards.
Anyway while I was gone, I started to communicate with them both. Drew told be that Brian was pleasantly surprised by me, that I was cute and nice to talk with. I was happy. I should probably mention that at the time I was 19, Drew 28, and Brian was just about to turn 27. Towards the end of my trip Brian then gave me his contact information and wanted to chat as well. I got home from my vacation on a Friday and classes at my university didn't resume until Monday, so I spent the weekend talking with them both alot and getting to know them much better.
So January passed and we all continued to talk. The I guess what you could call friendship/relationship continued to develop. We'd talk about everyday and/or Skype with each other frequently. Valentine's Day Drew and I brought up the idea of visiting to Brian over my spring break. And he agreed so we planned for me to stay for a week with them. I paid for the plane ticket and waited anxiously to meet them both. I was probably the happiest I'd ever been, because I'd started to really develop feelings over them both even though they lived on the other side of the country.
About a week before I left I was talking to Drew and as he was leaving I told him I loved him. Which I did, and meant it. But he never replied back to the statement and so I dropped the matter. I left a few days after to head out to meet them. The plan was to meet at the hotel in the city I'd flown into and then stay the night there before heading back to their home the next morning.
I got to the hotel a bit before them since I'd arrived in the city earlier. I waited in the lobby for them and was reading a book. Suddenly I saw a shadow and before I knew it I had a pair of muscle arms around me. I spun around and saw that it was Drew. And being a clutz that I am knocked over all the luggage that I brought. I hugged him and then waved to Brian who was checking in. We picked up my stuff and then headed towards the elevator. I was completely dumbstruck and couldn't believe this was all happening. It seemed to be like something from a movie, not something that happens to me.
So we got to the hotel room and Brian walked to the bathroom. I was the last person to get into the room and was shutting the door, as I turned Drew pinned me against the door and gave me my first gay kiss. After we pulled apart, I stood there stunned slightly, in a good way. He then went to the bathroom to shower before dinner as Brian came out. I was sitting on the couch by then and he sat down next to me and then kissed me too. Afterwards we all cleaned up and went out to dinner.
Following dinner we returned back to the hotel we all got into bed and relaxed, amongst other things, but I don't want to go into details on all that sort of stuff. But I think that the knowledge that activities of a sexual nature did and have occurred. We didn't have sex as I was still a virgin at the time. We all then fell asleep in the bed together.
The next morning we went back to their house. And I spent a week there which was one of the best weeks ever. I fell completely in love with them both. One night when I was laying in bed with Drew while Brian was in the shower, he was behind me, he whispered he loved me too, but that he didn't reply when I said it before because he wanted me to hear it in person.
Anyways, I'll speed things up now. I returned after school was out for the summer in June. That was the first time we had sex, with Drew wanting/knowingly/and willingly being my first. I visited them again in and in August and they came and saw me in July. Then the semester started back up in September and I wasn't able to see them in person anyway.
In early September issues started arising with communication and I made strides to gain attention from them which ultimately backfired and strained things sorta, but nothing horrible. Towards late September and into early October I started getting a weird vibe from Drew that something was up. I asked Brian, but he assured me that it was nothing, which I believed because he'd never lied to me before.
Things continued on with what I considered normal. I returned there the day after Christmas 2010 for a 9 day stay with them. It was over this time that I found out some things that I never wanted to know. While they were at work one day, I went and opened Drew's laptop, not to snoop, but to watch a movie on netflix and he'd left his Skype open to a chat with this other guy. The context was all too similar to how I'd begun talking to him. There was talk of possibly meeting and everything seemed to be just like how it had been with me a year ago.
I didn't stay anything for a few days until I was alone with Brian at the store. Then I asked him who this Michael guy was, who was a few months younger than me I found out. He tried to explain it shouldn't bother me that it was nothing serious and nothing was going to happen. But I couldn't shake it, I felt lied to and betrayed by someone I truly loved. I didn't want to stay in the house anymore and went and moved my stuff into their guest unit. That was until there was a confrontation about it in there after I'd left that house without telling anyone cause I wanted to be by myself.
Drew, was in tears for the pain that he'd caused me. I was too, but I was completely destroyed on the inside. My trust was gone and I nearly hated him for it. He apologized and said he never meant for it to hurt me. I asked him to delete Michael from his phone which he did. And we tried to enjoy the rest of the trip.
I still couldn't trust either of them after I left. I loved them both more than anyone else in the world. But I didn't feel like I could trust either of them afterwards. I was then constantly checking to make sure nothing was arising with this Michael. It really started to bother me, because no one would give me answers and said I was being paranoid and controlling.
Finally in February I tried to end things with them. Not really end things, but to show them that this was the point that they'd driven me. I decided them from facebook, skype, and wouldn't call or text them. I got into a big argument with them as I was doing this. They said that I was messing everything up, not in our relationship, but in their lives, because of needing to know everything.
A week went by without communication with either of them. It was horrible, it drove me crazy, I wanted to see and speak to them both so much. I just felt empty and couldn't focus on my schoolwork or anything. When we finally talked I said I forgave them, and wanted us to be on good terms cause I knew that if we're just honest we could work through everything. They both told me that they didn't want to though, but still wanted me to be their friend. And both continued to urge me to move to the nearby city for school which is about an hour south of them.
Now it's about where it is in the current time. We still talk, nearly everyday to every other day. Drew and I have no communication how we used to. We don't have playful conversations, don't talk about the future, I don't even really enjoy talking to him all that much. I still love him and want to be back together with him. But I'm afraid that if I don't talk to him nothing will get better. Brian it's a bit better and we can do some stuff as before.
I've repeatedly said I want to have things the way they were, and they both know that, it's not a secret. The thing that is making me somewhat mad is that I gave them both second chances in December when it was pretty much nearly cheating on me, and that's what I told them it felt like. But that I'm not given another chance, even though I was pushed in my decision.
I don't trust them still because of what occurred and their responses to everything these past couple months. But I still love them and believe that we can all be together happily.
I'd just like any input on the situation. What you think would help or I could/should do to have things the way they were. What to do about Drew and this need to communicate with people or get admirable from people that don't care about him, like Michael. I do love them both and want to be with them. So any advice that could possibly make that happen is very welcomed.
|first love, fluid bond, fluid bonding, triad|