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Old 04-05-2011, 11:32 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default What the heck is love?


I don't have a question so much as I just want to hear the thoughts of like-minded people.

I found this site last summer when a long term friendship started getting passionate, although I am happily married. I was amazed to read about polyamory and realize things about myself I'd long struggled with, and with everyone's encouraging comments I was able to have some wonderfully frank talks with my husband about it all. He accepts that I fall in love with others, and I accept that he doesn't want me having sex with anyone but him. He also doesn't want to hear much about my feelings for other men, and I've been mostly fine this way.

Right now there are three men occupying my thoughts. My husband, "H", is someone I could praise for pages and pages. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Then the long term friend (since before I met H), who had me so confused last year. "L" lives a couple of hours away but we talk on the phone, and I can tell him absolutely anything. Unlike my husband, L loves and is attracted to many people like I am. When my libido is low it just takes a little visit or phone call with him and he has me feeling like the sexiest woman on the planet, and off I go to the marital bed. H knows that L turns me on and that I don't have sex with L. I think L improves my marriage.

These days suddenly I am strongly attracted to a man I dance with. (I go social dancing, sometimes alone and sometimes with my husband.) I can't say it's a sexual attraction exactly; "D" is 30 years my senior and nothing special to look at. It's the subtle communication of our bodies when we dance, and the way we look at each other, and the quiet conversations on the dance floor. I would like to dance with him all night. He feels the same.

Are these all "love"?

Maybe because it's the newest attraction, but I can spend hours daydreaming about D and the little things said on the dance floor, the funny little smile on his face when he pulls me close, and somehow this excites me more than a recent visit with L involving X-rated conversation and kissing, or a long sensuous evening with H including more orgasms than I can count. I think that I don't even want my interactions with D to grow to the no-holds-barred level of my conversations with L, and I don't want sex with either L or D, not only because my husband is against it but because the relationships would lose something -something about flirting around the edges of what's permitted. Something about the subtlety of the chase, maybe. D is married anyway, and paid dearly for an affair he had decades ago, so I definitely don't want to get him into trouble.

Polyamorous people, do you have these kinds of relationships? Connections that excite you, but aren't meant to lead anywhere? If my lifestyle permitted more sexual relationships, I think I would still want something like with D, with mystery and subtlety and evenings that end with sighs of longing. Am I just crushing, maybe?

I'd appreciate anyone's feedback, or stories. What are the shades of love?
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love, mono/poly, sex at dawn

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