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  #21  
Old 04-04-2011, 09:12 PM
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Who knew that such a "common" option would be so unpopular here?

But, I too, abhor the veto option. If I were married, desperate to live out my poly dreams, then I might accept the veto option to make it feel more safe to go there. But, I'm not sure that it is as helpful as we might believe.

In the end, if you can't trust my judgment about people, you need to be willing to work with me as I learn to be a better judge. Deciding for me is not particularly helpful. I realize that this willingness might not be without some pain. But, it is pain that could help strengthen the relationship because of the trust given, wisdom shared, and stick with me through those growing pains.

If I'm a fool and can't learn, then you might as well get out while you can anyway...
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  #22  
Old 04-05-2011, 01:10 AM
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I think veto power is flat cruel.

It takes the "person" out of the "secondary role".

From the perspective of the "third" (or subsequent number):

WHY on earth would you want to date someone that you knew-even if you both fall madly in love, have a healthy, happy, loving relationship that doesn't ACTUALLY disrespect or infringe on their other relationships,
their other lover could "terminate" your relationship at will?

Nope. Wouldn't do it.

In a healthy relationship (hell even in many unhealthy relationships) there SHOULD be the ability to say "honey, that person is smoking crack on the weekends, they just aren't an appropriate fit for you".
AND
Having the where with all in ourselves to say "you know what honey, as much as I WANT a relationship, you're right. I don't want that kind of b.s. in my life either."

But, that's not veto power, that's communicating honestly and openly.

At the point where someone ELSE has the right to decide if a relationship is or isn't important enough to me, for me to keep it... we're no longer in a relationship, we're in a dictatorship.


(no, I didn't feel that way when we first started poly-but it became quite clear to me after reading all the horror stories and encountering a few "I'm not so sure" moments myself. I figured out pretty quick that I don't need veto power-I just need to know I can express my concerns and Maca will listen.)
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  #23  
Old 04-05-2011, 01:40 AM
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As a secondary involved with a couple who have a child, I would completely accept the concept of Veto Power for them if the stability of their family was at stake. The child and those who are responsible to provide a stable and healthy environment come first. Then again I believe marriages come first as well...I would just go into a relationship with my eyes open to the idea that my impact would be less than that of the married/established or parenting couple. In order to do that you have to "want" to be with the partner and not "need" to be with them in a specific way.

I'm weird..I know
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  #24  
Old 04-05-2011, 02:28 AM
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I see vetos as a step along the journey to opening up an existing relationship. It's one of those safety line things that many people have in place when testing out the waters. All I can say is be open with anyone who you are considering dating about there being a veto power in place so that individual can make the desision whether or not they want to get involved with you. You might find as things go on that there is less and less need for veto.

I used to be a strong defender of veto power but I'm not a big fan of it anymore. I figure the only person you can really make desisions for is yourself. If a situation isn't working for you it's best to talk it out and find a mutually agreed upon solution. Plus the person who is having the veto used against them is a person with real emotions too and it's got to be hard being in a realtionship where you have the possibility of having it ended by an outside source over your head all the time. I wouldn't chose to be in a relationship like that.
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  #25  
Old 04-05-2011, 02:35 AM
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Karma and I call it our Happy Healthy Sane rule. Very similar to BU's #2. We both feel it is something only to be used when happy, healthy,sane is not being met. And even then it's with a lot of talking. Even when all hell broke loose with Cricket lying time and time again and putting our health in jepardy, I told Karma what I would like to see, that I was removing myself from the situation, and he could make whatever decision he felt right, but that I would no longer be supportive of them being together.

It was still his choice to stay or go, but as part of our honesty agreement, he needed to know that I felt happy healthy sane wasn't being met for him and in a way for me.

We've both agreed that the only time we are going to flat out veto a relationship is when health and/or sanity is being threatened in a major way.
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  #26  
Old 04-05-2011, 04:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I equate veto power to a sort of panic button. It allows one partner to pull the plug without any need to work through their own emotions or have a dialogue with their SO about concerning behaviour, etc.

Want poly without the work? Try Veto™*!



*side effects may include: resentment from your partner, treating others as disposible objects, never learning to deal with shit
TP you are hilarious! Love your posts!
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  #27  
Old 04-05-2011, 05:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
As a secondary involved with a couple who have a child, I would completely accept the concept of Veto Power for them if the stability of their family was at stake. The child and those who are responsible to provide a stable and healthy environment come first. Then again I believe marriages come first as well...I would just go into a relationship with my eyes open to the idea that my impact would be less than that of the married/established or parenting couple. In order to do that you have to "want" to be with the partner and not "need" to be with them in a specific way.

I'm weird..I know
I dont know if you are weird or not. I agree that the stability of the family has to come first.
BUT-if my husband isn't providing a stable environment for the family-it's HIM that needs to go, not his lover that needs to be veto'd by me.

IF his lover is a detriment to the family-then he should handle that.

Of course-that's not an issue for me, because his lover is the most amazing woman I've met.

BUT-I still hold to it being his responsibility to make that decision as a responsible party in the family.

Likewise-it's my responsibility in the family.

Veto power allows the wrong person to have 100% control over the staying or going of another. (IMHO)

But-you know I love you Mon. So you be your weird self. hehehe
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  #28  
Old 04-05-2011, 05:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

But-you know I love you Mon. So you be your weird self. hehehe
you'ld better..my astral projection just saw you in the shower! I think you winked at me too
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  #29  
Old 04-05-2011, 05:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
you'ld better..my astral projection just saw you in the shower! I think you winked at me too

You SAW!

Damn, did you see the pic of you and your Harley on the wall too?
SHIT! I was trying to keep that secret.

heheheheh
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  #30  
Old 04-05-2011, 05:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

You SAW!

Damn, did you see the pic of you and your Harley on the wall too?
SHIT! I was trying to keep that secret.

heheheheh
I wouldn't have noticed if it wasn't for all the candles burning around it...and the lip stick kisses

Enough Hi-jacking!
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