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Old 03-31-2011, 12:36 AM
ComposerJ ComposerJ is offline
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Default hello, and advice requested!

So, I am new to this forum, and looking for advice. My situation is relatively simple, but emotionally pretty complex, and I imagine not dissimilar to what people here have dealt with.

I am a 34 year old straight male, and have been dating and living with a wonderful bisexual woman for almost 5 years. I love her more than anything, and would do anything for her. I want nothing more than to be in this relationship. Which isn't to say that we don't have problems; we do. Lots of. But we work through them together, and I think are stronger for it. In many, many ways, we compliment each other perfectly.

Recently, she's been having trouble connecting to me, romantically. Something just isn't "clicking". She has come to the conclusion that she is not straight enough to maintain a monogamous romantic relationship with a man; something she had decided about herself many years ago, but wanted to try for a thousand other reasons. But repressing who she is isn't doing either of us any favors! She needs to be herself, rather than fighting against herself, which is just driving us further apart.

Easy solution, right? She gets a girlfriend, OUR relationship improves as a result and we stay together forever the way we both want! I've often said I'd do anything for her. After taking a long time to think about this, I told her I would be willing to try this.

The problem is, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm a monogamous person; I don't want anyone else and I can't imagine wanting anyone else. All I want is to be with her, and I can't help but feeling hurt that she doesn't feel the same way. I know that the issue is far more complicated than that, but, well, my emotions are complicated and reactive too. At the end of the day, however, she has not found anyone she is interested in right now. She has told me that she's not even ready to start looking. This gives me plenty of time to learn to deal with the changes in our relationship (or lay the foundations for it) before having to actually deal with them.

We've been going about all of this the right way. We're discussing everything. She's not pushing me and we're being as open as we can be about how we feel. She'll probably read this. I'm trying to be as understanding and mature about the situation as I can. I'm feeling a lot of complex and conflicted emotions right now, but I'm not blaming her. I'm hurt and upset and angry, but I'm not angry at her. I want to work through this.

I am not happy with the changes in our relationship. I don't know that I ever WILL be. Right now I can't imagine it, so I'm not going to bash my head against the wall trying. What I AM looking looking for (and I feel is a realistic goal) is to be comfortable with the situation. I don't want to be hurt. I have a laundry list of specific fears and concerns, but honestly, this was hard enough to write. I don't want to lose the relationship that I have, and I'm willing to do anything for it. But I need help!

Thanks in advance, and hello everyone!
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:23 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi there, Composer and welcome!

I must say -- even though jealousy and possessiveness and all that stuff are feelings we consider generally negative, it is refreshing to read about a guy who admits to being jealous of his girlfriend wanting to be with a woman. All too often, we see the man in a relationship discounting another woman as not really being an actual person with whom their partner would potentially like to be with, and instead they turn it into this non-threatening inconsequential nothing, or a titillating element that he can get his rocks off to, as if the women are only getting together for his satisfaction. That gets so tiresome to read again and again! So I applaud you for acknowledging this development in your relationship in the way that you are -- it shows respect for what women can have together.

That being said, it does sound like you two are "doing it right" and taking care of each other as you explore this possibility. Gathering information, going slowly, talking, examining your feelings and belief systems. Keep reading the boards here and ask questions as they come up. Glad you're here!
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Old 03-31-2011, 04:08 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ComposerJ View Post
Easy solution, right? She gets a girlfriend, OUR relationship improves as a result and we stay together forever the way we both want! I've often said I'd do anything for her. After taking a long time to think about this, I told her I would be willing to try this.

The problem is, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm a monogamous person; I don't want anyone else and I can't imagine wanting anyone else. All I want is to be with her, and I can't help but feeling hurt that she doesn't feel the same way.
Try playing this game: Imagine yourself wanting to be the one she shares all her pleasures with, getting jealous whenever she wants to go on a shopping trip with one of her friends, dancing every dance with her at every party you ever go to, getting upset when she laughs at other people's jokes (I actually knew someone like this with his girlfriend - my ex.) There are very few people in this world who don't have do deal with jealousy at some time, so you're not alone.

In many cases of budding polyamory, there's the nagging question (on one partner's side): "What's wrong with me? Why does (s)he need somebody else? Why is my love not enough / not good enough?" In your case, there's an easy answer: she loves men and women. You're not a woman, so she can't satisfy that facet of her sexuality with you.

It hurts, I know. And I really was not trying to be flippant with that game suggestion. It might help to put things in perspective. It hurts and it's going to hurt for a while. But you love her and her happiness means a lot to you. And your happiness means a lot to her. So you're going to be gentle and patient with each other... and hopefully grow closer through the painful growing process.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ComposerJ View Post
Recently, she's been having trouble connecting to me, romantically. Something just isn't "clicking". She has come to the conclusion that she is not straight enough to maintain a monogamous romantic relationship with a man [...]
Try playing this game: Imagine that she had come to the conclusion that she was not straight enough to maintain any kind of romantic relationship with a man! It would be easy to tell you that "half a loaf is better than none". But that isn't what I want to say at all. I have hopes for you that you'll discover that half a batch of yeast will soon grow and multiply... and be enough for 2 loaves (a richer relationship)!
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Old 04-05-2011, 05:15 AM
FraeuleinBoe FraeuleinBoe is offline
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I can only reply from the "other" side. My husband, with no conscious prompting of my own, suggested we open up our relationship about a year ago-he specifically did this for me, women only. Which goes hand in hand with the fact that I feel more gay than straight. And speaking from that vantage point , I think, that if you can somehow relax into the fact that she is STILL with you, that you guys are STILL communicating, you might be able to see/find a level of love between you, you hadn't felt exist before. Because, speaking only for myself, I know that my husband, giving me my freedom, showing his trust in me and our love for one another despite the fact that our relationship has been pretty much sexless (for non-gender specific reasons) for the last 5 years has made me love him even more and feel so much more connected to him.I don't know if that helps your situation at all............I wish you luck, patience, compassion and lots of self- love and room to grow!
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