the story of a secondary

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Have you talked to her about this? It's not uncommon for the sex drive to shift gears and even dissapear during pregnancy. We also go through completely irrational stages where we don't want anyone to see our bodies, because we are afraid they will think we're ugly. If you haven't discussed this with her you should. She may need just as much reassurance and doesn't know how to ask for it.

We've talked about it enough to make me feel we're on the same page. I've told her that I miss our physical closeness, both sexual and just in terms of cuddling, and she's explained how she needs space and said that maybe it's a nesting thing, just wanting to be close to her baby's other parent. She and Eric are having sex very occasionally, she said.

[LovingRadiance]

I kicked GG out of the house-like he got his own apartment, when I was pregnant with SourPea.....

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I kicked GG out of the house-like he got his own apartment, when I was pregnant with SourPea.....

You just need to put a revolving door on that apartment, you all can rotate.

Pregnant women turn into a different species, we can go from a cuddly kitten to ninja warrior/rabid dog in 5 seconds flat with major Space Cadet thrown in. It's good that you have talked to her about this. Hugs!

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

You're right about almost all of this. But, for the record, Eric and I have shared "sexual love" plenty of times before (see above). My guess is that he certainly feels affection for me, maybe even loves me as a friend, *maybe* even as something more than that... but I highly doubt that his feelings are at the level as mine. But hey, who can claim to know the secret workings of the mind of another? Not I, certainly.

There’s this crazy little word called "love" that means different things to different people and different things to the same person depending on its context. There’s sexual love and maternal love and brotherly love and the love you feel for friends and and and.

I'm well aware that Eric has a sexual link with you. And I – personally – am quite sure that he loves you in other ways. But does his sexual link constitute sexual love? This is what I'm not sure about. (And – going by your postings – it’s what you’re not sure about either.)

There are people who can have sexual relationships with people whom they don’t love. And there are people who love somebody but not sexually. The question is: Can you (or – in this case - Eric) love somebody but-not-sexually and at the same time have sex with that person? I just wanted to encourage you to believe in that other kind of love he does have for you, and be assured that he’ll treat you gently (lovingly) even if he can’t consider that he “loves” you sexually. (On re-reading that last sentence, the latter half appears ambiguous: Do I mean “I just wanted to [...] be assured that he’ll treat you gently (lovingly)” or “I just wanted to encourage you to [...] be assured that he’ll treat you gently (lovingly)”? ... It turns out that I mean both.)

[AnnabelMore]

@LR -- I'm very curious, can you talk a little about why you kicked him out and how it was for you? How did he deal with the whole thing?

@Mr. FFR -- When you say "sexual love" do you mean "romantic love"? What *is* sexual love, exactly, as different from sex?

@SN -- Hughug!

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

@Mr. FFR -- When you say "sexual love" do you mean "romantic love"? What *is* sexual love, exactly, as different from sex?

Hey, come on, Annabel! It was you who started this love / not love business on here. You love Eric but he said (earlier) that he's not interested in a "love" relationship with you. OK, OK, so maybe I mean romantic love - or maybe you mean romantic love. (But, FYI, for me "sexual love" is a love (not = lust) that wants to express itself sexually [as well as in other ways]. I can imagine myself loving someone romantically and not wanting to have sex with them. [But - as I've explained somewhere on this board - I'm a pervert.])

[LovingRadiance]

I was so emotionally overwhelmed during my pregnancy that I literally could not handle him being close. I felt like if he was near then I needed to take care of him (my thought-not his) and I couldn't handle it.

I felt the NEED to minimize my social interactions to just my kids and Maca. Even with Maca-it was limited, but he's not a "social creature" so it's easy enough for us to be in the same house and not say a word. (eek I know).

Ironically-I'm normally VERY VERY social. But not when I'm pregnant.

In fact, as odd as it may seem, as SOON as the baby is born, that flips. Even (not to bring up something horrible) but, even when I didn't go through a full pregnancy, as soon as the pregnancy ended, I was social again.

But, during pregnancy (and labor); I don't want ANYONE to touch me.
I don't want anyone to talk to me (unless I talk to them first and then only for short spurts).
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
I don't want to have the responsibility of taking care of anyone or anything ESPECIALLY if it means planning.

I don't really know why.

As for GG, he was understandably devastated. But, he's a VERY VERY patient and loving man. He got an apartment a few miles away, took the other kids for weekend visits. Stayed in touch with Maca to keep up with what was going on with my pregnancy. When all was said and done and I was more my "normal self" again, the tension started to die down and he eventually put in notice and moved back in (he was in his own place about a year).

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I was so emotionally overwhelmed during my pregnancy that I literally could not handle him being close. I felt like if he was near then I needed to take care of him (my thought-not his) and I couldn't handle it.

LR, thank you SO much for sharing this!! Talk about a dose of perspective. Here I was feeling slighted that my lady and I weren't being physically intimate without giving much thought to the idea that there could have been a much more severe level to "needing some space." It means a lot to me to know that you guys went through that and came out the other side.

[AnnabelMore]

Gia and I had our date night at her place last night. Eric was at class. Gia and I made delicious food together. Our conversations were long, organic, and far-ranging, sometimes serious, sometimes light. We both shared things that made us vulnerable, but it wasn't heavy... just talking.

I invited her to dinner with my parents next weekand she accepted. It's a doubly big deal -- we're a lesbian couple AND a poly couple -- and on top of that she knows my mom has been a little freaked out about us... but she barely even blinked. Eric came home and interacted with us briefly, but was super tired and went to bed early.

After dinner, I rubbed her back, shoulders, neck and scalp. Then we cuddled in bed for a bit and talked about the baby. Eric was lying quietly on his side of the bed. I assumed he was asleep, but it was really ok either way.

We hadn't just laid and held each other like that since the pregnancy started. She was so, so beautiful -- pale, the vivid colors of her tattoo contrasting with her skin. Her hair down, making her look more relaxed and free. Relaxation and love gracing her face. These days it's so noticeable when she's truly relaxed, because she's stressed so much.

She was topless, from the massage, but we didn't take it anywhere sexual, I just appreciated her body. Her breasts, soft and large and youthful. Her belly, healthy and round and full of life.

I love, I love, I love my lady.

I felt warmth and gratitude towards Eric for sharing her with me, for never being jealous. What I didn't feel was the ache I'm so used to feeling that comes from knowing he and I don't share a deeper relationship. It's like somehow, at least for that one night, it was totally ok. It would be so amazing if it stays that way, but who knows.

I messaged him today and just said "I know this is sappy, but thank you for sharing your lovely wife with me." He said, "You're welcome, I'm happy that you two enjoy your time spent together." With someone else I might wonder what's going on beneath the surface, but with him I've come to realize... he's so straightforward, that's really all it means.

[LovingRadiance]

I love that last paragraph.

I think Maca's FWB wonders sometimes. She worries that she'll somehow be the cause of issues in our relationship.
But the truth is-that she hasn't been anything but a help since she entered the picture.

She tells me thank you for sharing him sometimes and I just tell her I appreciate the help with loving him. I don't think that she really believes me-yet. But, hopefully she will eventually.
Because, like you said about Eric, I'm just that kind of person. I say what I mean, I mean what I say.

I'm glad that what I shared was helpful. If you want/need more info or even GG's perspective, let me know.