Veto Power...?

[fullofdumplins]

Just wanted to open up a discussion on vetoing; do you use veto and if so, what are the guidelines you have with placing a veto?

The boyfriend and I have decided a while back that we are able to place in vetoes: some are non-negotiable while others can be added/removed as we see fit. We are not in a poly relationship at this point in time but it is something that we have discussed while we practice non-monogamy, and I hope we will eventually move forward to a poly relationship in future.

Does placing vetoes seem like a smart idea or is this something that takes away from the relationship?

[BlackUnicorn]

I would consider using a veto in two very specific cases;

1) adding another partner would seriously take up already thinly-divided time. Say, my partner would consider taking on a fifth partner. I say four is pretty much the upper limit I can see one person engaging with at the same time and still having enough time for work, hobbies, other duties etc.
2) continuing a relationship with one partner is seriously threatening the wellbeing of everyone in the constellation. I'm thinking drug addictions, trouble with the law, acute mental health breakdowns, compulsive lying, cheating, violent behavior, something of that magnitude.

Using a veto in any other case, because of insecurity, jealousy etc. I think undermines the foundation of the relationship and might lead to resentment and boundary-breaking. Haven't thought the implications of absolute vs. negotiable vetoes. Are you thinking of something along the lines of a person A being off-limits for now, but maybe not so in the future?

[Ariakas]

Honestly, I dislike veto power greatly. Unless there is something dangerous in the mix (see BU's number 2 as some examples). I have seen what it can do to people, and unless you have control of your own relationship, it will never ever be relaxed or stable or even fun. At some point you have to be trusted as an adult, to manage your own shit. Otherwise, why are you getting involved with people?

People believe veto power can only come from a spouse saying "no this isn't happening" But how is it different if there is no veto power on the table but the spouse acts like a lunatic and it ends. It isn't...

I would outright refuse to get involved with someone who has veto ability. Its not worth my time to be involved with someone who doesn't have control of our relationship.

[Morningglory629]

I agree with Ari. That's a surprise!

[TruckerPete]

I equate veto power to a sort of panic button. It allows one partner to pull the plug without any need to work through their own emotions or have a dialogue with their SO about concerning behaviour, etc.

Want poly without the work? Try Veto™*!



*side effects may include: resentment from your partner, treating others as disposible objects, never learning to deal with shit

[MindfulAgony]

Who knew that such a "common" option would be so unpopular here?

But, I too, abhor the veto option. If I were married, desperate to live out my poly dreams, then I might accept the veto option to make it feel more safe to go there. But, I'm not sure that it is as helpful as we might believe.

In the end, if you can't trust my judgment about people, you need to be willing to work with me as I learn to be a better judge. Deciding for me is not particularly helpful. I realize that this willingness might not be without some pain. But, it is pain that could help strengthen the relationship because of the trust given, wisdom shared, and stick with me through those growing pains.

If I'm a fool and can't learn, then you might as well get out while you can anyway...

[LovingRadiance]

I think veto power is flat cruel.

It takes the "person" out of the "secondary role".

From the perspective of the "third" (or subsequent number):

WHY on earth would you want to date someone that you knew-even if you both fall madly in love, have a healthy, happy, loving relationship that doesn't ACTUALLY disrespect or infringe on their other relationships,
their other lover could "terminate" your relationship at will?

Nope. Wouldn't do it.

In a healthy relationship (hell even in many unhealthy relationships) there SHOULD be the ability to say "honey, that person is smoking crack on the weekends, they just aren't an appropriate fit for you".
AND
Having the where with all in ourselves to say "you know what honey, as much as I WANT a relationship, you're right. I don't want that kind of b.s. in my life either."

But, that's not veto power, that's communicating honestly and openly.

At the point where someone ELSE has the right to decide if a relationship is or isn't important enough to me, for me to keep it... we're no longer in a relationship, we're in a dictatorship.


(no, I didn't feel that way when we first started poly-but it became quite clear to me after reading all the horror stories and encountering a few "I'm not so sure" moments myself. I figured out pretty quick that I don't need veto power-I just need to know I can express my concerns and Maca will listen.)

[MonoVCPHG]

As a secondary involved with a couple who have a child, I would completely accept the concept of Veto Power for them if the stability of their family was at stake. The child and those who are responsible to provide a stable and healthy environment come first. Then again I believe marriages come first as well...I would just go into a relationship with my eyes open to the idea that my impact would be less than that of the married/established or parenting couple. In order to do that you have to "want" to be with the partner and not "need" to be with them in a specific way.

I'm weird..I know

[Derbylicious]

I see vetos as a step along the journey to opening up an existing relationship. It's one of those safety line things that many people have in place when testing out the waters. All I can say is be open with anyone who you are considering dating about there being a veto power in place so that individual can make the desision whether or not they want to get involved with you. You might find as things go on that there is less and less need for veto.

I used to be a strong defender of veto power but I'm not a big fan of it anymore. I figure the only person you can really make desisions for is yourself. If a situation isn't working for you it's best to talk it out and find a mutually agreed upon solution. Plus the person who is having the veto used against them is a person with real emotions too and it's got to be hard being in a realtionship where you have the possibility of having it ended by an outside source over your head all the time. I wouldn't chose to be in a relationship like that.

[Mohegan]

Karma and I call it our Happy Healthy Sane rule. Very similar to BU's #2. We both feel it is something only to be used when happy, healthy,sane is not being met. And even then it's with a lot of talking. Even when all hell broke loose with Cricket lying time and time again and putting our health in jepardy, I told Karma what I would like to see, that I was removing myself from the situation, and he could make whatever decision he felt right, but that I would no longer be supportive of them being together.

It was still his choice to stay or go, but as part of our honesty agreement, he needed to know that I felt happy healthy sane wasn't being met for him and in a way for me.

We've both agreed that the only time we are going to flat out veto a relationship is when health and/or sanity is being threatened in a major way.