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  #21  
Old 04-04-2011, 06:24 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Jealousy is one of these feelings that just gets worse the more you focus on it. You can't wait for it to go away. You need to kill it, and sometimes the best way is to automate a reaction. For instance, make a list of things you really like doing. If you start a jealousy episode, pick one in the list, do it, and try and force yourself to focus all of your attention on it.
great suggestion! I will get working on this list.
Quote:
However I can't tell you what the source really is, from what you say it sounds like a fear of abandonment/exclusion? Do you have that fear in other contexts?
This is just my own armchair psych version - nothing a "professional" has told me, but I've seen enough Oprah episodes to figure it out, lol. My parents were divorced when I was one. My mother and I moved across the country. I spent some time with him until I was about 8 years old, then he stopped calling, wanting to see me, etc. Of course there is more to it than that, but I figure that if my own father didn't want me, why would anyone else? I've been thru one divorce. I certainly don't want to be divorced again, but when I get way down deep, it's almost like I'm just waiting to be left again.

Poor me, right?
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  #22  
Old 04-05-2011, 12:21 AM
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Yes, poor you! It saddens me and makes me angry that adults pull shit on kids and don't get how vulnerable they are and how it effects their entire lives. I totally get where you are coming from with your jealousy and how crazy it can make you feel. But I also don't suggest you throw the baby out with the bath water.

First off; do a tag search for "jealousy" there is a ton of stuff to read on here and you will see it is not only workable, but very common. Secondly, there is nothing but time. If your partner and this woman agree that it is worth keeping their hands off one another and not spending alone time together for you to work some on this for yourself then take them up on that.

I would suggest asking them for 6 months (insert however long you feel good about, this is what I personally would ask for) for you to get used to the idea of them going on a date together. Then work on it.

Spend time all together, spend time with her, spend time writing, meditating, swimming, going to therapy... Whatever it is that makes you feel confident and able to think about the root of this and then start walking through it.

If you need more time, tell them. If you have a breakthrough, tell them. If you are stuck, tell them. If you need to bounce stuff off of someone and have a good cry, tell them. Don't leave them out because this is what will help you all connect. This is what will make you realize one day that its not a big deal and you wish they'd hurry up and plan a really nice date together.

Time my friend. It is your best ally. If you use it and work on yourself. You will benefit, they will benefit and it will be a win win situation. At least for me it has been

(Don't forget to let them talk too. This will be huge for them also and its only fair that they should have their time to address what is going on for them too.)
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  #23  
Old 04-05-2011, 11:51 AM
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I find lot of the stuff Mr. Franklin Veaux writes really nice, and this might help.

http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf

For me, spirituality is a great source of self-comfort.
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  #24  
Old 04-05-2011, 07:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JameeDee View Post
On one hand I am so sad that I have to break it off with my girlfriend, on the other hand I am so relieved that hubby does NOT have one.
Is it still possible for you and gf to continue, without hubby? You said earlier in the thread that you weren't even sure you wanted a triad, so why give up the gf completely?
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  #25  
Old 04-05-2011, 08:02 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Woah, what a week.

We have all three been talking, crying, talking, laughing, talking some more.

@nycindie - For now, we have decided to do just that! yay!

Girlfriend - S - and I will continue. She and Hubby will not have "alone time" for a while. We can all be together.

I am willing and determined to work on my issues. Thanks to all (BlackUnicorn, TonBerry & RedPepper and others) who have posted links and suggestions to jealousy-related articles. I think I can get a handle on it, if given some time. I'm very lucky to have an understanding and loving husband, plus a girl who really cares about both of us and our feelings.

So, for now, we've morphed from a polyfi triad to a vee with me as the hinge. Who knows what's next....but I am happy, S is happy, and Hubby is happy.

Stay tuned for more updates. I can't express how helpful this forum has been for me. Thanks SO MUCH!!!!
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  #26  
Old 04-05-2011, 08:52 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think that's probably a good solution you have found. I was thinking about what you said about your past, and I was wondering if maybe, because you have a history of feeling abandoned, you might be so worried about it happening that you, consciously or not, cause it to happen?
Sometimes, it's easier to face something terrible happening when we provoked it than wait for it to happen.

However, the fact that you're willing to work on it in your own way is very good, I believe. It might be "easier" in some way, to break things off with your girlfriend to prevent hurt later on, and harder to try and work things out and build confidence with both of them.

Having both of them to support you and work at your pace should really help you. There is no knowing how long it will take or if you'll ever get completely over things, but it's very encouraging that all three of you are trying to make the most of it and not turning against each other or getting bitter.
It's also a relief that you didn't go the route of "I'll break up with her so you do, this way it's fair". That kind of thing always makes me cringe, and the person who gets hurt the most in such a situation is the third, who is left by both parties, so I'm glad you found a different solution.

I wish you a lot of luck working on this vee together and seeing where things go.
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  #27  
Old 04-22-2011, 03:59 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Default Uh-oh

Still hanging in there...some changes again.

We are all not happy unless everyone is together. So, we're all back in it. I feel like a moron sometimes- with all this going back and forth. Isn't the definition of Insanity - repeating the same actions while expecting different results???

New issue today. yay! NOT

I have a 16-year old son. He has overheard hubby and gf gettin' it on. SHIT!

I have spoken with him and told him there was nothing going on that I did not know about. he didn't need to be worried.

Seems like time for a talk, huh?

Anyone gone down this road???

I am not looking forward to this.
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Last edited by JameeDee; 04-22-2011 at 04:01 PM. Reason: need more info
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  #28  
Old 04-22-2011, 05:35 PM
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Wait, what?

So S and hubby are back together? How did this happen? How come your boy heard them? Has he confronted them or just you?

Does your boy know S is your gf? How did he approach the issue? Was it like 'Mum, Dad's cheating on you' or 'What the heck is going on here, Mum?'.

I'm sorry I have no pearls of wisdom to offer , our kids are of the age where we need to have the sex talk before the poly talk and even that is a few years away. Check out the Children and Polyamory thread in General Discussion if you haven't already. Hugs!
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  #29  
Old 04-22-2011, 06:17 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Wait, what?

So S and hubby are back together? How did this happen? How come your boy heard them? Has he confronted them or just you?
S - is now on the boards, her screen name is Pinky...so let's call her that

Yup. Pinky and hubby are back together. She was broke it off with him, but that's not what makes us all happy. We have decided to stick it out - there's just something so special about this whole situation - it's worth it to us. Even though I feel crazy for trying sometimes.

I work on Fridays and hubby is off. Pinky works overnights and came over to have breakfast this morning. After I left for work, love was in the air... That is OK with me. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in place for all three of us. My only caveat was, "the boy is home...let's be sure he doesn't hear anything else" - he has heard them once before - and that lead to a MAJOR meltdown on my part. So, I was really just trying to avoid another awkward situation. grrr.

So he texts me at work..."great idea leaving those two alone."

I called him and assured him that while we didn't intend for him to hear what was going on, hubby isn't doing anything that I am not aware of. No need to worry.

We are having a sit-down with him tonight, I guess, to let him know we are in an open relationship. I am hoping that will keep him from feeling he is witnessing something that is wrong, or a secret, or whatever.

Quote:
Does your boy know S is your gf?
I haven't come out and told him that. Should I? This is the first time he would be hearing about that.

Keep me in your thoughts. I'll need some positive energy for this one.

(deep cleansing breath)

Namaste
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  #30  
Old 04-22-2011, 06:29 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Hi JameeDee,
We have gone through a lot of what you're going through. Hang on, I think the ride is worth it! I have really appreciated reading your posts and look forward to being here for support as you venture on.
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