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  #11  
Old 03-31-2011, 01:06 AM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Default Clarification

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post

1) Safe-sex inside the group, yay! Probably not a problem this early on in the relationship, but have you thought about possible outside crushes and how to deal with them? It seems your hubby would be most comfortable with one-penis-policy, but is that really realistic?
We are all good with the one-penis policy. When gf finds a new boyfriend, it will most likely be over.
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Also, safe-sex as in being fluid-bonded inside the group? How about babies? I know it sounds silly to ask this, but things like these happen - condom breakage, forgetting the pill etc.
I guess I should have added that rule...NO BABIES. We are taking precautions.
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2) Rules 2 and 3 seem very sensible. However, what's behind rule 1? Too different morning-habits?
I saw that somewhere on a forum. I thought it made sense. We all spend the night together when we can, but unless someone is out of town, we need to stay the night in our own respective beds. Her kids don't need to know everything! lol
Quote:
3) The reasons you describe for your hubby and gf arguing seem very basic 'new relationship, shitloads of insecurity' -stuff. Since you were the primus motor behind this triad, they might not have yet had the opportunity to develop their relationship. To encourage that, independent hook-ups, dates etc. might help.
We did talk about date nights and hookups, and that is all OK with everyone.
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You have a very healthy attitude to working things out together.
Thanks for that. I feel like a bit of a freak right now. lol But I know it will all be worth the adjustment.
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  #12  
Old 03-31-2011, 05:14 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Might I suggest looking at some threads on rules... I prefer to call them boundaries as they are fluid and changeable... rules just makes me feel constricted and rebellious. Actually, I have given it some thought recently and to me rules are black and white, where as boundaries are movable and meet more in the middle. Before there is a boundary there is a compromise made usually. Both sides/all sides compromise in order to make sure that those that are struggling are being considered... then there is a kind of inching towards where the line is that cannot be crossed without consent or there will be repercussions. The repercussions can be discussed also so that everyone knows what will happen if a boundary is not respected. This is how it works for me and my tribe anyway.

I would suggest finding some ideas of how to build a foundation that works for you by doing a tag search for "lessons" and "foundations" also you could do a tag search for "unicorns" and "secondary" of "primary/secondary" Not all of it will be useful, but it would be a great way to become familiar with what has worked and what hasn't for others.

Meh, I don't see any problem with the "no sleep over" thing. I think if you are starting out it might be a good idea... for now. I think it will need changing at some point as triad love does not often stay as such. Usually it breaks off into a vee... mostly with the man being the hinge. Just saying. It might not happen here, but, again, have a look at other threads and see what other peoples journey has been.

By the way, a closed triad is called a "poly fi" triad... as in poly fidelity. Just in case it helps in describing what it is you have discussed with your partners. You could search that too... and definitions. There is a sticky for definitions actually.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-31-2011 at 05:16 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-02-2011, 10:36 AM
SnJ SnJ is offline
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Default Very interesting

My wife and I are very new to the thought of "poly..." lol.
We are looking at starting a triad with my(the husbands) best friend.
Why does everything have to be so tricky. lol.
People that aren't "vanilla" need a different approach. If you want to bed-hop, you need swinging. If you REALLY want to develop relationships, you need to look at poly.......or so the world says. lol
Anyways, either way, there are self-imposed rules. Some are neccessary, depending on partner
In the end you have rules, or guidelines, to live within.
I agree with the "boundary" rule. I think in poly relationships it is VITALLY important to communicate all the time.
Poly has to be defined by the participants in the end. All involved have to have an agreement of sorts
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  #14  
Old 04-03-2011, 04:37 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Hi all!
Just wanted to give you all an update. I have come to the decision that I can't handle my husband having a girlfriend. My brain understands that he will not leave me for her, but my heart and guts just can't handle it.

After a long day, we have all three come to an agreement to remain friends. On one hand I am so sad that I have to break it off with my girlfriend, on the other hand I am so relieved that hubby does NOT have one.

*heavy sigh*

Best of luck to everyone who attempts this type of relationship. You are all stronger than I am.
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  #15  
Old 04-03-2011, 09:34 PM
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Okay, this was sudden.

Sorry to hear about your triad. Was this jealousy issue something that just manifested itself out of the clear blue sky? Sorry if I appear to be prodding but it read as if you of all people had it together.
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  #16  
Old 04-04-2011, 03:31 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JameeDee View Post
After a long day, we have all three come to an agreement to remain friends.
Reading that, it sounded to me like you meant all 3 relationships became friends to one another.
But then you seem a bit too chipper for someone whose marriage has just ended, so I'm not sure... do you mean you and your husband stopped both your relationships with your girlfriend but remained a couple?
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  #17  
Old 04-04-2011, 03:42 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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To make a long story short...I have some unresolved jealousy/abandonment issues. The situation between the three of this really brought up all these terrible feelings for me. I wish more than anything that I could handle the thoughts of my husband having romantic love for someone other than myself, but I can't. It makes me physically sick. It makes me mentally crazy.

Hubby and I are still together. Hubby and gf and I all still have mad love for each other. I just don't know what else to do. The thought of losing what we have makes me very sad, but if I'm crazy with jealousy is it worth it? I know in my mind that they will NEVER run off together, but my heart and stomach aches when I know they are alone. Does that make any sense at all?

I want her in my life. I want her in hubby's life, but not unless I'm there. Is that unrealistic?
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  #18  
Old 04-04-2011, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JameeDee View Post
I want her in my life. I want her in hubby's life, but not unless I'm there. Is that unrealistic?
Maybe yes. What I mean is that they might want to have time alone to develop their relationship in a stress-free environment. Having to constantly check if you are feeling uncomfortable or left out creates stress and maybe leads to further arguments in their interactions.

What surprised me was how you were so sure you can't do this ever after giving it a very short time to even develop into any sort of relationship. You don't have to accept jealousy and fear of abandonment as immutable facts of you emotional existence now and forever. Start working with and addressing those issues, for yourself, not just to allow this triad to continue. There is help available for that kind of work on yourself you must do. Don't lose heart.
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  #19  
Old 04-04-2011, 04:15 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Maybe yes. What I mean is that they might want to have time alone to develop their relationship in a stress-free environment. Having to constantly check if you are feeling uncomfortable or left out creates stress and maybe leads to further arguments in their interactions.
I have seen this happen. I don't want to be that person.
Quote:
What surprised me was how you were so sure you can't do this ever after giving it a very short time to even develop into any sort of relationship. You don't have to accept jealousy and fear of abandonment as immutable facts of you emotional existence now and forever. Start working with and addressing those issues, for yourself, not just to allow this triad to continue. There is help available for that kind of work on yourself you must do. Don't lose heart.
Do you have any suggestions as to where I can look? It really pisses me off that I do not have control over this. I just felt SO out of control and like my whole world was threatened...that all I thought I could do was end it. It's been a month or so and I just felt it was getting worse, not better. I also felt that the longer it went on, the more attached they would get (which has happened.) The craziest thing is I miss it so much already. I feel like I'm unhappy either way.
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  #20  
Old 04-04-2011, 04:48 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think the only way probably is to work on your end of things. I know it's easier said than done, but rather than limit their interactions, if you can find ways to make things better on YOUR end, that is, things that YOU do while they're busy, or things that you do with him/her to remind yourself you're important to them, etc.

Jealousy is one of these feelings that just gets worse the more you focus on it. You can't wait for it to go away. You need to kill it, and sometimes the best way is to automate a reaction. For instance, make a list of things you really like doing. If you start a jealousy episode, pick one in the list, do it, and try and force yourself to focus all of your attention on it.

I'm suggesting this because I know it has worked for some people, but it requires a lot of effort. The point is to take your minds off of it to avoid it getting worse and worse. You'll still have to deal with the source of the jealousy. And the source of the jealousy is NOT the fact that they spend time together. That's the trigger. If you remove that, you'll still have the problem, just not the symptoms. However I can't tell you what the source really is, from what you say it sounds like a fear of abandonment/exclusion? Do you have that fear in other contexts?
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