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  #11  
Old 04-02-2011, 02:34 AM
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lotheriel79 lotheriel79 is offline
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Default My situation exactly

God I thought you were quoting my situation word for word.

I DO still love deeply our "M", and she too grabbed my heart in similar ways. I still have the note she wrote to me back in the start of our triad and look at it all the time. It was so sweet. SHE was so sweet. How could I NOT fall for her.. but she was and still IS in love with magik, and it will never be returned to me the same way. And IT IS painful. VERY Painful. Almost as painful as watching him cry for her, and knowing it is ME she is rejecting, and because of that neither of them can be together and happy. I want more than anything to make the 2 people I love happy, but that can not happen with me present. She loves and cares about me enough to step out of the situation to protect US, and I love her enough to let her go, but God I do not want to. I would have given that girl the world, and I tried. but it is Time to move on and hope it happens with out the "what if" next time, and let her move on in peace and hope she can find happiness too one day.
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  #12  
Old 04-03-2011, 04:35 AM
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
Since that means I get to keep her in my life, I'm okay with that, but it does sting a little sometimes.
This *exactly*, I use the word "stings" to describe how it feels to have friendship and (sometimes) physical intimacy with my metamour but not the level of emotional initimacy that I'd like. It's something I can live with, but it's hard to ignore and hard not to wish it was otherwise.
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  #13  
Old 04-03-2011, 04:40 AM
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@lotheriel --

I'm sorry that you're still hurting over this.

Part of what makes my situation liveable is that I understood, early on, that affection develops with different people at different rates. I didn't *want* that to be the case... I wanted my lover's lover to want me emotionally as much as I wanted him... but I did a lot of reading about other people's experiences and their advice, and I saw over and over again variations on the idea that you shouldn't expect a three person relationship to be perfectly equal. I wanted a triad but ended up with a vee, and I've come to accept that a vee seems to be more likely, more easy, and more natural. Natural in the sense that it is hard to love two people quite the same, and not very likely that those two people should happen to also love each other. Love is just such an individual thing.

All of that said, I have a good friend who's currently in a triad that's been working out quite nicely, so I'm certainly not going to say it doesn't ever happen.
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  #14  
Old 04-03-2011, 10:27 AM
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This forum might even bias one a bit against triads, because a lot of people come here seeking for advice. All those happy triad success stories might just go undetected because they never join forums like these.
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  #15  
Old 04-03-2011, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I has never happened to me, as I'm straight and have only been involved with straight guys so far, but I imagine it would be a pretty tricky situation.
Almost everyone in our little tribe is straight also. But, when we first started, I had a crush on my husband's girlfriend's husband. I still count him as a metamour because we're involved in each other's lives in that way, even though it's once removed. He's really handsome and sexy and I think I had these visions of us falling in love like his wife and my husband had. Stuff happened and I no longer trust him on an emotional level, so that crush died, which is really all for the good anyway. But I wanted to comment on the type of metamour crush that could happen even if everyone in the group is straight.
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  #16  
Old 04-04-2011, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
This forum might even bias one a bit against triads, because a lot of people come here seeking for advice. All those happy triad success stories might just go undetected because they never join forums like these.
I hope there is no bias against triads. They can and do occur... they can be successful. I make an attempt to let that be known personally. The fact is that they more than often don't and therefore it can be dangerous to set oneself up to assume that they are the only option for a poly dynamic. It seems that quite often triads are seen as poly utopia for a couple. This is as not as fantastical as finding a proper unicorn, but almost as close. At least that is what has been witnessed here. As you say though, it could be that there is no time for them to be here when they are just livin' it.
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  #17  
Old 04-04-2011, 05:26 AM
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I think it's not that we are prejudiced against triads: at least personally, I'm happy for triads that exist as much as for any other configuration. However it seems to happen more often that people will expect a triad. I'd probably feel as unformfortable if someone told me "I'm going to have two partners, one will be a mono, the other one will have two partners apart from me and one of them will be mono and the other will be poly and have one other partner". Because it's so specific, and these things happen, you don't usually plan for it.

"We're going to be three people who are all in love with each other equally" is to me a very specific situation that isn't that likely to happen. I mean, even if you start from a couple in love, you add a third person who needs to like both people and be liked by both people. That's four attractions that need to be there at once.
Sometimes you like someone and they don't like you back, and it doesn't work. And that's with just two attractions needed! So if you require all four to be there at once, you've got to realise you lower your chances even more.
Not to mention a triad requires at least 2 bi people (unless it's a same-sex one, in which case they can be gay as well), and people are more commonly straight, making the option less likely to happen again.

So, I just tend to cringe a little bit when people log in and say that's what they're expecting. Because it can happen, but I wouldn't personally shoot for it, there is too much room for disappointment. I prefer letting things fall into place in the pattern that's more natural for them. And sometimes it will be a triad, sometimes it won't.
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  #18  
Old 04-04-2011, 02:44 PM
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I'm myself super-pessimistic in what comes to triads, at least the straight male-bi-female-bi-female-poly-fi -kind that seems to be the sort of ideal poly configuration. I had no idea getting into this how popular or idealized this relationship model is made to be. I thought vee would be the natural formation, or perhaps an N (or Z, depends on which way you want to look at it).

I think the number 1 reason behind my pessimism is that it just seems to me like one way to cling on to coupledom while practicing poly, in a 'best of both worlds' type of solution. I resent all the ownership language that goes into how our society views couples so maybe I'm overreacting. I'd much rather have relationships with individuals, although I am stilling willing to date couples (but not as couples, as individuals who happen to be an established couple). And I do harbor illusions of my natural animal magnetism and otherworldly charm winning over a helpless metamour of whichever gender/orientation and just falling into a cuddly pile with my poly ball. I'd still want to go on one-on-one dates, though.

Maybe I should change my nick into CynicalCorn?
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  #19  
Old 04-05-2011, 05:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
it seems to happen more often that people will expect a triad.
this and
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
it just seems to me like one way to cling on to coupledom while practicing poly, in a 'best of both worlds' type of solution.
this and the individuality bit... it doesn't make me pessimistic, but does make me cringe... mostly because I don't like to see people set themselves up and quite often they do with the whole triad/unicorn thing... they seem to get all giddy over it as if it will answer all their problems and make their lives peeeeerfect and it just mostly doesn't.

Sigh, then they get mad because their bubble gets burst and they either fight it of don't come here again.... Ya, sucks all around.

Poly is just different. To try and fit it into the couplecentric world just doesn't work.... it just doesn't. I wish I could say that you will all live happily ever after unicorn lovers... but it just more often than not doesn't happen. A lot of time is spent making a dream reality without looking at making changes and seeing poly relationships as a chance to be individual and less the co-dependent institution that is marketed to us by mainstream culture.

Sorry, this is way off track... apologize all over the place.... !
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  #20  
Old 04-05-2011, 10:16 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Originally Posted by magikman79 View Post
Be careful, feelings can & Do change.
I am very careful where Pretty Lady is concerned. She has serious trust issues stemming from emotional and sexual abuse by both family members and supposed friends. If our relationship never moves past friendship, I will still feel honored because she's trusted me/ us not to hurt her.
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