Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-04-2011, 08:00 AM
Altea Altea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Poland
Posts: 7
Default I'm being confused

Hi everyone. I am new here and at first I wanted to apologize for me making mistakes, but English is not my first language. This post will be long, because I have so many questions and doubts, and I feel so confused.

When I was 17 I was in my first relationship. It was monogamious and lasted for more than 3 years. But after some time I felt attrackted to other people. Not only sexually but also emotionally. I never had sex with anyone else but my partner, tough I was dating someone for few months behind his back. He was very jealous and always said he would dump me if I ever even dated smeone else than him. But me cheating and lying on my boyfriend felt just so wrong that I eventually broke up with him.

After that I have been short-time-dating some people, but nothing serious. I didn't knew of polyamory by that time and felt there must be something wrong with me. I felt bad about me wanting to be with or sleep with other people while being in a realtionship. I didn't wanted to feel the way I felt about relationships, I was afraid.

About 2 years ago I have met my current partner. At first we were only seeing each other for sex. We both weren't looking for anything serious. At the same time we let each other sleep from time to time with other people and that was ok. He was living with a girl, he cherished and I felt good with it because I liked her and everything was looking good. This girl and my partner were in a kind of open relationship. But then it all collapsed. When it began to be serious with me and my partner this other girl started to hate me and even though we both tried to comfort her and I said I can give her as much time as she wants with 'our' partner, she just coulnd't help hating me. She moved out and some time later I moved in instead of her. Never again did she wanted to speak to my partner nor me and she vanished from our lives.

It was hard for my partner, which is something I understand, but it bagan to be difficult with us. We started to quarrel much and he sometimes accused me of taking her away from him. Each day I felt worse and worse and although I wanted everything to be ok, and I wanted to talk to that girl and bring her back to him and make everything alright I didn't managed it.

After few months everything felt good. My partner went over his love for the girl and I tried to be supportive, though it was hard sometimes and I even felt jealous that she meant so much to him. Me and my partner bacame friends- we loved to do the same things, had the same hobbys. But me partner was as he said 'afraid of relationships after his former girl dumped him because of me, although they decided to live in an open/poly relationship".

He started to see me as his enemy, who would do the same thing as his former girl. He started to accuse me of everything wrong and always when he was angry he started shouting at me that he will go and have sex with other girls, and that he wishes I would not be attracted to him, and that we actually naver had sex with each other becouse sex lead to to much attachment. He said he would consider cheating on me behind my back because he is afraid I wouldn't let him see anyone else besides of me. When I tried to make some basic rules for our relationship to make it work and to get to trust each other (like always knowing whom we are seing, having sex in a threesome when it's possible, to not let anyone out, he started saying that he don't want to respect any rules when it comes to having sex and seeing other people, because this is something that limits his personal freedom. He always talked abot how much he wants sex with girls who wanted him but hated me, and said they have the right to hate me but I don't have the right to hate them, and he also said he can have sex with whomever he wants to even if that means that I will suffer or be laughed at by those girls.

With each passing day I felt more and more insecure. Slowly I started to feel jealous and paranoid. I started to limit my partner out of fear and my openness disappeared. I couldn't be happy while in a threesome because I felt insecure, I started to restrict my partner, telling him that I will leave as soon as he will have sex with one of the girls that hated me. I was even worse that him I guess just out of fear. I tried to talk to my partner but it always ended up in him saing he doesn't want any rules. And I wanted rules not to limit him, but to get close to each other and learn to trust each other.

Now my partner is finally starting to be normal again. And he tries to make everything alright but I do not trust him anymore. I would love to have an polyamorious relationship but I'm so afraid and so scared that the bare thought of him talking to another girl makes me wanna cry. I feel I should talk it thrugh with him but I am afraid he will still not undrestand the need of some basic rules for some time. I really do like him and I never met anyone as close to me when it comes to hobbys, living habits, religion etc.

I just don't know how to make all this work.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-04-2011, 01:44 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Poor you. You have had a really bad introduction to non-monogamy. I hope something you read on this forum and what other members will be hopefully able to post will make you see things a bit more clearly and start working through the pain (and BTW, your English is very understandable, which is much more important than fine grammatical points).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
But me cheating and lying on my boyfriend felt just so wrong that I eventually broke up with him.
A good thing you realized where cheating leads so early. Polys cheat, too, but many 'naturally polyamorous' people are not very good at it, in my opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
This girl and my partner were in a kind of open relationship. But then it all collapsed. When it began to be serious with me and my partner this other girl started to hate me and even though we both tried to comfort her and I said I can give her as much time as she wants with 'our' partner, she just coulnd't help hating me.
'Polyamory' is just one flavour of non-monogamy. From what I understand, in 'open relationships' partners agree to have casual relationships without emotional intimacy with other people. Obviously your ex-metamour wasn't ready to move from 'open' to 'polyship'. Frankly, I'd say there's no crying over spilled milk. You can't force someone to start relating polyamorously no matter how much you love them.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
He started to see me as his enemy, who would do the same thing as his former girl. He started to accuse me of everything wrong and always when he was angry he started shouting at me that he will go and have sex with other girls, and that he wishes I would not be attracted to him, and that we actually naver had sex with each other becouse sex lead to to much attachment. He said he would consider cheating on me behind my back because he is afraid I wouldn't let him see anyone else besides of me.
So he has been emotionally abusive to you, blaming you for the end of his previous relationship, devaluing the connection you two have, making threats etc. This is not a good solid foundation on which to start building up poly. Your bf sounds like he has issues with sex and intimacy which cannot be solved by you or by anyone else for that matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
When I tried to make some basic rules for our relationship to make it work and to get to trust each other (like always knowing whom we are seing, having sex in a threesome when it's possible, to not let anyone out, he started saying that he don't want to respect any rules when it comes to having sex and seeing other people, because this is something that limits his personal freedom.
Do a tag search on boundaries. I would immediately say that letting everyone know with whom they are involved is just basic common courtesy, but agreeing to have sex if possible only in threesomes is an exceedingly bad idea. Why do you feel the need to do this? Are you bisexual? Do you desire to have emotional and sexual connections with women independent of your boyfriend, or is this something you want to do to alleviate your own issues with jealousy and insecurity?

Threesomes are no cure against jealousy, they can in fact make jealousy/insecurity issues that much worse.

Also, what do you mean by 'not letting anyone out'? Out of the relationship, like your ex-metamour left? The only person who can decide whether you stay in a relationship is you. It's not only impossible but highly unethical to think that once you 'capture' someone, they are in for a penny, in for a pound. I understand this is not the sentiment behind this since you feel guilty for 'letting' your first metamour go, but that is just not how relationships work, period.

This is such an odd statement that maybe I'm misinterpreting and you mean you don't want anyone feeling left out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
He always talked abot how much he wants sex with girls who wanted him but hated me, and said they have the right to hate me but I don't have the right to hate them, and he also said he can have sex with whomever he wants to even if that means that I will suffer or be laughed at by those girls.
Your bf has some serious anger issues and he DOES NOT respect you. Polyamory IS NOT 'do what you will, no one can limit your personal freedom'. People who think like that can't handle even one relationship, let alone multiple ones. We have the right to demand respect and honor from people we are willing to share our lives with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
With each passing day I felt more and more insecure. Slowly I started to feel jealous and paranoid. I started to limit my partner out of fear and my openness disappeared. I couldn't be happy while in a threesome because I felt insecure, I started to restrict my partner, telling him that I will leave as soon as he will have sex with one of the girls that hated me. I was even worse that him I guess just out of fear. I tried to talk to my partner but it always ended up in him saing he doesn't want any rules. And I wanted rules not to limit him, but to get close to each other and learn to trust each other.
So he infected you with his jealousy, insecurity and paranoia, and refused any attempts you made to solve the situation.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
Now my partner is finally starting to be normal again. And he tries to make everything alright but I do not trust him anymore. I would love to have an polyamorious relationship but I'm so afraid and so scared that the bare thought of him talking to another girl makes me wanna cry. I feel I should talk it thrugh with him but I am afraid he will still not undrestand the need of some basic rules for some time. I really do like him and I never met anyone as close to me when it comes to hobbys, living habits, religion etc.

I just don't know how to make all this work.
You can have a happy, respectful polyamorous relationship with boundaries and agreements that everyone is happy with and that apply to everyone. Just perhaps not with this guy.

How old are you? Living with a person who behaves violently and has zero respect towards you will eat away your spirit, no matter how close your living habits are to each other. You do not trust him anymore and he has done nothing to help you rebuild that trust.

Why are you with someone who makes you feel like shit?
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower

Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 04-04-2011 at 01:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-04-2011, 09:05 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I suggest doing a tag search on "foundations" and "lessons" too. Both of you could use some grounding and balance it seems. You've been through a lot.

I suggest being monogamous for a while and working on your game plan. Do some things together towards building trust and a foundation with boundaries that work for you both. Some councelling from a poly friendly councellor might help with making sure you both are treating each other respectfully and are not abusing each other due to self esteem issues.

Once there is some confidence, trust and self esteem built you could then start dating each other again. I say each other because it sounds like your relationship really didn't start out well. Starting again and building up a romance again might help you both feel more connected and therefore more confident in what you have.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-05-2011, 07:07 AM
Altea Altea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Poland
Posts: 7
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
'Polyamory' is just one flavour of non-monogamy. From what I understand, in 'open relationships' partners agree to have casual relationships without emotional intimacy with other people. Obviously your ex-metamour wasn't ready to move from 'open' to 'polyship'. Frankly, I'd say there's no crying over spilled milk. You can't force someone to start relating polyamorously no matter how much you love them.
You are right. I just felt I must write what happened in my bf's previous relationship, because I feel it is important to the whole story.

Quote:
So he has been emotionally abusive to you, blaming you for the end of his previous relationship, devaluing the connection you two have, making threats etc. This is not a good solid foundation on which to start building up poly. Your bf sounds like he has issues with sex and intimacy which cannot be solved by you or by anyone else for that matter.
He hes issues. He knows himself there's something wrong with what he is thinking about sex. I thought I could help him get over them, but I guess I faild. It is better with each passing month, but I'm slowly tired with all this.

Quote:
Do a tag search on boundaries. I would immediately say that letting everyone know with whom they are involved is just basic common courtesy, but agreeing to have sex if possible only in threesomes is an exceedingly bad idea. Why do you feel the need to do this? Are you bisexual? Do you desire to have emotional and sexual connections with women independent of your boyfriend, or is this something you want to do to alleviate your own issues with jealousy and insecurity?
That's hard to explain. I am bisexual. The idea of having threesomes when possible for a period of time came to me for several reasons:
1. I thought it would help me with my current feelings of insecurity, because I wouldn't feel my bf is having sex with other girls out of selfishness.
2. I also thought that if he would actually see that I am not restraining him from having sex with others, he would stop being paranoid of me don't letting him have the sexuall freedom he desires so much

Quote:
Threesomes are no cure against jealousy, they can in fact make jealousy/insecurity issues that much worse.
That is also a fact I am aware of. But my jealousy is not something given to me 'by nature' it's something that appeared recently and is not natural for me. As I am, as said, bisexuall, and my and my partner know some bi girls whom we both like a threesome for developing more bond tried to by a quiet good idea.
Quote:
Also, what do you mean by 'not letting anyone out'? Out of the relationship, like your ex-metamour left? The only person who can decide whether you stay in a relationship is you. It's not only impossible but highly unethical to think that once you 'capture' someone, they are in for a penny, in for a pound. I understand this is not the sentiment behind this since you feel guilty for 'letting' your first metamour go, but that is just not how relationships work, period.

This is such an odd statement that maybe I'm misinterpreting and you mean you don't want anyone feeling left out?
I made a language error here. English idioms are something I'm still having problems with. I meant of course that in a threesome non of us would felt left out. I would feel that my bf does really want something oter than just having sex with as many girls other than me as possible.


Quote:
Your bf has some serious anger issues and he DOES NOT respect you. Polyamory IS NOT 'do what you will, no one can limit your personal freedom'. People who think like that can't handle even one relationship, let alone multiple ones. We have the right to demand respect and honor from people we are willing to share our lives with.
He can get really paranoid when it comes to his freedom. I don't really know why. He is slowly learning that every relationship (no matter if mono, poly, swinging, open or other) needs compromises. Yet he still can become angry when he has something like a bad day. And it is hard for me to be in a role of a 'teacher' every time. I also can get angry and frustrated by his behaviour and sometimes feel exhousted by all this.


Quote:
So he infected you with his jealousy, insecurity and paranoia, and refused any attempts you made to solve the situation.
I don't think he himself is jealous. But he definitely is insecure. Not just in this relationship, but in realtionships in general. And yes he refused. He thinks the only way to solve any problems is to let anyone do as they wish and just see what happens. His relationship paranoia is a big issue and I even thought about making him go to some sort of professonal councell but I don;t even know where to find any therapist in my country who specializes in non-monogamious relationships.

Quote:
You can have a happy, respectful polyamorous relationship with boundaries and agreements that everyone is happy with and that apply to everyone. Just perhaps not with this guy.
Maybe not with him. But well I can't help I love him and want to try to help him out of his paranoias. When it won't help I guess I will have to find someone else. But running away from problems is not what love is about.
Quote:
How old are you? Living with a person who behaves violently and has zero respect towards you will eat away your spirit, no matter how close your living habits are to each other. You do not trust him anymore and he has done nothing to help you rebuild that trust.

Why are you with someone who makes you feel like shit?
I am almost 23 and my partner almost 28. As I wrote before, I want to help him get a healthy attitude toward sex and relationships. But I am also aware that if it doesn't work out in some time I will have for my own health to leave this relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-05-2011, 07:13 AM
Altea Altea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Poland
Posts: 7
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I suggest doing a tag search on "foundations" and "lessons" too. Both of you could use some grounding and balance it seems. You've been through a lot.
I do it consecutively. This forum is really full of helpfull advice.

Quote:
I suggest being monogamous for a while and working on your game plan. Do some things together towards building trust and a foundation with boundaries that work for you both. Some councelling from a poly friendly councellor might help with making sure you both are treating each other respectfully and are not abusing each other due to self esteem issues.
As I wrtote in the reply to BlackUnicorn I don't think it would be easy to find a poly friendly councellor, which is also one of the reasons i decided to write here about my problems. We must come up with something to gain ech others trust again but I guess it won't be possible until we learn to control our tempers.

Quote:
Once there is some confidence, trust and self esteem built you could then start dating each other again. I say each other because it sounds like your relationship really didn't start out well. Starting again and building up a romance again might help you both feel more connected and therefore more confident in what you have.
Everything was somehow messy and not right in rhis relationship. And I don;t mean by that that we do not match together. It is rather the fact that every relationship that was 'built on the ruins of another one' has a tough start.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
problems, relationship, rules, sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:35 AM.