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Old 04-02-2011, 09:20 PM
SlugQueen SlugQueen is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
Default Where to start?

When I was in my 20's I was in a series of poly relationships with men and women. It was glorious and I felt powerful and fufilled. I them met my partner. He was amazing and I fell for him in a way that I have never fell for anyone else. He is still my partner after almost 20 years.

The past few years we have talked about opening up our relationship after all this time. In the midst of a mid life crisis my husband found a person to date. From day one I did not like how she treated him. She treated him as a penis to be used and she developed more of a relationship with me. He fretted about having nothing to say to her constantly which made me insane.

MY #1 BIG rule was no sex without a condom. Problem...my partner cannot perform with a condom. So the first time he slept with someone else he did not wear a condom. This was with a person I knew was having anonymous encounters and many many partners. I flipped. I could not take it.

My partner was tested for STD's and was negative. His AIDS test will not be valid until June. For now we are in a holding pattern. I asked him not to see this woman again. every time we talk it goes no where. He yells well you just hated her anyway......so I bet your glad this is where we are. He will not have any sexual contact with me at all and before this we enjoyed a very healthy sexual relationship.

Where I am at is hard. I know I can be poly and I have done so in the past. I am not sure I can be poly with him. every time I lament that we are not having sex he declares go date and I think this is not how it is supposed to be.

I adore this person. We have children together and this has to be the worst thing he has done in the course of our relationship. Our kids have special needs and he works long hours. Him dating is going to be very hard on me especially if he falls in love.

I have had a few dates. Nothing serious and I am very ok with taking this very slow for myself.

I want to be poly but I am not sure I want to have an open relationship with someone who willfully ignored my boundaries in such a nasty way.

I have been reading here and everything I read makes sense. I am mourning the end of my relationship as I know it... It is hard.......I hope to find the sunshine on the other side
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Old 04-04-2011, 07:39 AM
gema9809 gema9809 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 12

well i wish the best of luck for you the condom thing i think is a line men use i would not use a condom with my wife as there is no need and it does dull the sensation however when a man is with someone new he is generally excited enough that the condom should not matter it seems like there are some respect issues. me and my wife have been married 8 yrs not as long as you but i have faith and i sure we will get there. i am not exactly comfartarble with the standard poly thing at least from what ive read and saw on this show which got us thinking about this concept i think it is very scary for you partner to have a seperate relationship which does not include you but hwat we found works for us and kills the jealousy monster is having that third relationship together someone who we are both mutually attracted to and vice versa that is amazing falling for someone together and being able to express your feelings for each other and another together well best of luck were new to this site and i read your article and honestly was a little saddened i think if anybody wants to live this lifestyle there has to be a certain level of respect and a high level of communication i mean if you are letting him step out of the bedroom at least he should be able to wear a condom for you
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:47 PM
SlugQueen SlugQueen is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4

Since we opened our marriage he has been having trouble "performing" with others. May it be psychological or not it happens. He is having some medical issues which may be compounding this. It is not an excuse but I truly believe that he did not plan to go condomless. He thought with the wrong head in the moment.

I agree the lack of respect issue is there and it makes me sadder than sad.

We have very different tastes in people and truly I think he is intimidated by dating the same person.

Right now poly is on the back burner for him as we heal from his indiscretion. Discussions have been hard.

Thank you for your kind reply....
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