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  #11  
Old 04-01-2011, 03:17 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Talked with G quite a bit today. It's been difficult to find a chance where we can really TALK - we're staying with my folks here until we can move into our house next week. They're usually around, and so is our little boy, so that complicates proper communication - we don't even have our own room here, and there have been times I've feel like crawling out of my skin here. I love my family more than life itself, I truly do, but the inability to really communicate with my wife (let alone be intimate in any PROPER way) is driving me crazy.

We talked, and while I still haven't told her that I love L, she knows I have feelings for her, and that she's more than a lover - that it's a relationship. She's really jealous. ...and also pissed at me - seems to think that I'm one-sided, because of how badly her last experience went, and maybe I was a little too needy, but there were serious red flags going off (read the link at the top of the thread), and I had valid concerns which compounded my own insecurity. I think that had there NOT been these red flags, I would probably have been fine. There was also a lot of excitement and compersion on my part, and I'm sure a lot of that came off as me "grilling" her or being negative/needy because of my other concerns, but most of the time I asked her questions or wanted to talk was because I wanted to connect with her, and enjoy her enjoying the experience. In the end, of course, my concerns about the guy's character were valid - he lied about being tested since having a sexual partner last, and he gave us Chlamydia. That was the point at which they ended it, at my request.

G and I have a different set of ideas about who we want to fuck. I wouldn't want to fuck someone who I wouldn't want as a friend, and she wouldn't want to fuck someone she WOULD want as a friend. She likes her men dangerous, I guess, which is probably part of why she likes ME. Maybe I need to get her a motorcycle.

She was upset that I was open to having feelings for someone, and that I think we both should be - she had feelings for a lover when we were in college, and that ended in trainwreck - nearly ended US along with it. I understand her reluctance to go down that path again, but we're older, more mature, we've learned so much, grown so much. I have faith that we can handle it now, while we clearly couldn't when we were 19. That was literally more than a decade ago.

There have been lots of things from her like "Why am I not enough?", but it's not her that's not enough. I don't want a ruddy harem, I'm a poppa-bear, not a playa, but I definitely feel like Poly is right for me, and that it's something I need. Honestly, I'm afraid that if we can't BE poly, I'll find myself cheating sometime in the future, and I'd hate myself for it. I hate lies. I hate sneaking. I hate betrayal.

Sigh.

Edit: L has been very understanding, giving, and patient. She's wonderful, and I'm very thankful. I want to go to her, and god knows I could use the support... but I can't leave G like this.
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  #12  
Old 04-01-2011, 09:31 AM
Gargantuan Gargantuan is offline
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Man I been reading her e a bit and I still get confused. You got a long story here, but looks like you going full force and take it as it comes. Thats cool.

Just tell the truth man, why hold back. No walking around trying to be careful - it never works. out with it, dude, say your truth. women don't need kid gloves tretamnt.
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  #13  
Old 04-01-2011, 08:46 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Well, I hadn't set out looking to have feelings for another. Just some fun, a FWB was my perfect definition of a lover. L... she became something more, and very quickly. G is not OK with this. She's now saying that maybe this was all a mistake, that it all feels wrong, and we should never have done it in the first place. She freaks out if I want to see L for a night, even if G is going to be in town the next day so I can see her, she thinks I don't care about her and don't want to see her, that I'm just trying to justify seeing L. She doesn't realize I want to see them both.

She's breaking my heart. I never thought I'd be able to have feelings for another person like this, and now that I finally do, I can feel G alternating between pushing me away and pulling me back. This blissful experience is unraveling before me and I just don't know what I can do to stop it.

She can't handle knowing I have an actual relationship with someone, how could she possibly handle knowing I have real feelings for her too?

If I call it of with L, I'll be miserable, and G will make me feel like shit for it for years to come. If I don't, G will be miserable, and make me feel like shit for it for years to come, unless she can just learn to deal with it. If there's one thing I know for a FACT that I do NOT want, it's a bitter wife. I saw my father suffer at the hands of one for decades, and I am not going to let that happen to me.
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  #14  
Old 04-01-2011, 09:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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It doesn't help that you are not home most of the week. How often during the week do you spend on the phone, skype, texting, etc with your wife? It sounds like your wife is in need of some serious attention that lets her know you are thinking of her even if your are not with her. She may be feeling like she has been relegated to "secondary", 1. because of your NRE with L and 2. she only gets you on the weekends.
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  #15  
Old 04-01-2011, 09:36 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It doesn't help that you are not home most of the week. How often during the week do you spend on the phone, skype, texting, etc with your wife? It sounds like your wife is in need of some serious attention that lets her know you are thinking of her even if your are not with her. She may be feeling like she has been relegated to "secondary", 1. because of your NRE with L and 2. she only gets you on the weekends.
Due to the nature of the work that I do, it's sporadic at best - I haven't actually worked for two weeks - and for all but one night of those two weeks, I have been at home, with G.
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  #16  
Old 04-02-2011, 01:01 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Seems like we're taking a new approach on this - ignoring it. Maybe if we just don't make a big deal out of it she'll realize it's actually not a big deal at all.


....and monkeys might fly out of my butt....



Edit: Yep. G knows I love L. She's not happy about this. Pissed at me, jealous, feels like I'm changing the rules of the game, etc. Feelings were never part of the original discussion, but we had talked about them becoming part of it - I thought this was something she'd be ok with if things between US didn't change - for me they haven't, not one bit. Fuck it. Keep calm, and carry on. If it works for the British, maybe it can work for us too. No point in acting like spoiled children, in any case.

Last edited by TheBlackSwede; 04-02-2011 at 01:54 AM.
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  #17  
Old 04-02-2011, 04:10 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Tonight, G and I went out wine and beer tasting at a local place. We didn't say a word about our current situation, and instead just worked on having fun and loving/enjoying each other, which was a total success. We found several incredible finds - an Italian wine that was delicious, a Swedish-made English Porter (1/2 idjit) that was one of the best I've ever had, and a Belgian Golden style ale called "Fallen Angel" which was such a delight to behold.

We walked home, my arms laden with new purchases (a place that lets you drink booze there AND buy bottles is dangerous), and it was just a wonderful little moment. On the way home, we saw three full-grown barn owls living in a palm tree together, and heard babies within. We stood there for five minutes watching them fly, silently, in awe. If ever there was an omen, this was it. ...I guess owls are Poly.
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  #18  
Old 04-03-2011, 10:01 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Today, I did something stupid, I'll admit it freely. To be fair, I was caught off-guard, and I think it was done deliberately. We hit the drive-thru (not a usual thing, but we needed a snack in a pinch) and while I was paying the lady, taking the food, and trying to unwrap a straw, G hit me with the whole, "Gee, L must be really pretty if she does pinup modeling..."

Right there, alarm bells should have been going off - "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!", but as I had my hands full, and wasn't really paying attention, I just answered the question with an unwittingly stupid response, that was of course taken COMPLETELY the wrong way. "Huh? Oh yeah, she's pretty. You could totally model too, I mean, I guess I don't really think she's any prettier than you are."

WRONG ANSWER. Or rather, correct answer, incorrect delivery. I followed with, "I mean, it's so hard to compare, I find different people attractive for different reasons, I mean, in so many ways you're prettier and in many others, she's got it going on..."

GRAVE GETTING DEEPER. Shut up while you still can! But no... "Dammit, why do you have to ask me things like that, now you're all freaking out and I'm all pissed off, and bah, blargle!"

Great. Good one, Svart, you've done it now. Finally I decided to apologize, and just shut my mouth for awhile.

After eating, in silence, she perused the local nursery looking for plants for the new house. When she was done, I gave her a hug which she reluctantly accepted. "Can I ask you a question?" "What." "Who's prettier, Monica Bellucci or Jessica Biel?" "Monica Bellucci." "See, that's exactly what I would've said. ...but Jessica Biel is stunning, and many other people would have said her instead. Personally, I had a hard time deciding, they're different sorts of pretty, but as for me, I'm a bit partial to Monica." She looks at me hopefully. "You realize you're Monica, right?" *hugs*

MELTDOWN AVERTED. *phew*
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  #19  
Old 04-03-2011, 11:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think you got yourself in trouble because you think a woman can't handle the fact that another woman is pretty. I mean, do you think G really asked if she isn't mature and secure enough to even make such a comment? I'm certain she's not that superficial. Women don't always need to be handled with kid gloves around such topics. Geez, next time, "Yes, she's pretty," is enough of an answer. All your posturing and clarifying probably made you more uncomfortable with the conversation than she was.



PS - I have no idea who Monica Bellucci is.
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  #20  
Old 04-04-2011, 04:24 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think you got yourself in trouble because you think a woman can't handle the fact that another woman is pretty. I mean, do you think G really asked if she isn't mature and secure enough to even make such a comment? I'm certain she's not that superficial. Women don't always need to be handled with kid gloves around such topics. Geez, next time, "Yes, she's pretty," is enough of an answer. All your posturing and clarifying probably made you more uncomfortable with the conversation than she was.



PS - I have no idea who Monica Bellucci is.

It's not as though I believe women need to be treated with "kid-gloves"... this is more about sensitivity to a partner who is currently feeling insecure.

And as for Monica Bellucci, she's an Italian model and actress, notably from the second Matrix movie where she played Persephone, from Brotherhood of the Wolf where she played a spy/madam dispatched by the Pope, and a lot of other things. She's stunning, and very talented as well.

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