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  #11  
Old 09-21-2009, 07:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Sure.

It isn't the LIFESTYLE's fault that a person broke their agreement with you.

Breaking an agreement, betrayal of trust, happens in all types of relationships, all lifestyles.

It's like when a woman "swears off men to become a lesbian" and realizes that women suck just as much as men.

If "being polyamorous" is not your cup of tea, then more power to ya, but there will still be assholes, they will just be other assholes instead.
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  #12  
Old 09-22-2009, 10:50 AM
Tia Tia is offline
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Have you had any "alone time" with her? I have found that forming a bond with my boyfriend's wife is really helping us both deal with our insecurities because they are all on the table for everyone to see (and we are even discovering a fascination for each other - of course the man in our lives has good taste in women!). If you are friends with and trust them both, then you have no reason to feel fearful when they are alone.
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  #13  
Old 09-22-2009, 05:08 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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No I haven't - I spent time with the both of them. We are currently supposed to be monogamous to work out these trust issues, and at the moment I do not even like her. I have no interest in seeing her, talking to her, or anything. I am angry at her as well for breaking the agreement and since that weekend was her opportunity to BEGIN to build trust with me (trust for me is earned, not given away freely and then taken away) she has negative points in the trust bank for me.

I know alot of this stems from my feelings of insecurity with Ouroboros at the moment, but so be it. I am NOT ready, and in fact INCREDIBLY PISSED.

She has made absolutely no effort to make things better on my part, and I do not even see it happening in the future.
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  #14  
Old 09-23-2009, 10:36 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Here is an update on the process we are having...

Last night Ouroboros came over for dinner. I made stuffed shells and we drank wine... We started getting intimate, when I noticed he was not entirely into it. I asked what was wrong, and he said he felt uncomfortable with sleeping with me. He said that me saying " you disrepected my boundaries" resonates in his mind, and he does not want to feel that he is continually doing that. He seemed really bothered. I talked with him for a bit, trying to understand where he was coming from, and he said that he was taking things seriously, and that sex with me meant a great deal to him. He didn't want it cheapened by his feelings. He didn't want the conversations to stop or get clouded by us having fun.

This was a REALLY strange conversation for me. I have only once had a boyfriend say something like this to me. This was my first love.

Usually guys cannot wait to jump me regardless of how I feel.

I told him that I felt sex was an important part of intimacy, and that I actually needed it along with other things in our relationship to maintain that connection with each other. This is not why we are together... that was clarified by the both of us too.

Anyways, although it was a bit sad at the beginning, this made me realize that he really is taking all I have said to heart.

One point for uroboros!
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  #15  
Old 09-23-2009, 10:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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At least it tells you he's not using you as a sex toy.
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  #16  
Old 09-24-2009, 12:22 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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correct. So, the edit for my post before would be not that he listed to "all" that I said, but at least some of it.

Time will tell...
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  #17  
Old 10-08-2009, 11:41 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default ouch ouch ouch

I feel that frequently... Its been about a month. Things are in fact moving forward, I put the poly thoughts on hold for a bit because I wanted to focus on my relationship with Ouroboros and building trust there. I think he takes this seriously...

It has been a couple of weeks since I stopped feeling awkward around him, like I was making a mistake for taking him back. Now, I am starting to feel more joy than anxiety when around him, which is a good place to be. I am watching him carefully, though... Seeing what actions he takes as far as this relationship goes, and testing, yes, testing him to figure out if he is sincere...

So, We have been talking about taking a trip together to seattle for a while... I used to live there, and since my divorce, I carry alot of baggage from that area. I have not been back in a while, because I associated so many of the negative things regarding my last relationship with that city. I am sure some of you understand how this is possible, although irrational.

I wanted so badly to go back and have been entertaining the idea in my head for a while. I thought that it would be a good idea to take someone that didn't know the area, so I could re-introduce seattle to myself in a positive and exciting light, while introducing it for the first time to them. AND in the process visiting friends that I have not seen in a VERY long time due partly to this last relationship.
This trip is soooo emotionally charged for me.

I want to take Ouroboros with me. We have so much fun when we are together, and we like so many of the same things, I thought he would appreciate it. Then a problem arose.

We will probably be driving. Which means we will pass thru portland. Now, I have a friend that lives there now that I have not seen since my wedding! I really want to see them on our way up to seattle... However, Ouroboros wants to see the OW. I am soooo torn right now.

On the one hand, It has only been a freaking month! I feel (and my friends agree) that this is insensitive of him. He saw her 3 times this summer, and WHY must he stop during this trip (or even mention it!) when he knows how emotionally charged the trip is for me already!!?

I am soo bothered by this.

On the other hand, I want to be compassionate...

THe hurt (from both of these issues) is just too much for me. I am definitly not running away, or trying to avoid anything. In fact, I am tackling one fear already by making this trip. I just don't want my head to be clouded by another issue... which at the moment is making me just want to cancel the whole damn thing.

I know this is selfish. I just don't know if it is the best thing for me to try to do all of this at once. AND, it makes me question Ouroboros' sincerity that he would bring this up now. I still need time. this feels like pressure. If I feel pressured, I put up walls. So, In order for me to get past this, I need to not feel pressure. The very thought that he brought it up makes me feel like he cannot wait to be with her...

My buddy suggested I talk with him, and tell him how I feel. If he pressures me, or fights with me, I guess I will know then that this relationship won't work out... right?

Any thoughts....?
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  #18  
Old 10-09-2009, 12:31 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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i agree totally with your buddy, that you need to talk to him about it, and go from there depending on his response.
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  #19  
Old 10-09-2009, 07:51 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
No I haven't - I spent time with the both of them. We are currently supposed to be monogamous to work out these trust issues, and at the moment I do not even like her. I have no interest in seeing her, talking to her, or anything. I am angry at her as well for breaking the agreement and since that weekend was her opportunity to BEGIN to build trust with me (trust for me is earned, not given away freely and then taken away) she has negative points in the trust bank for me.

I know alot of this stems from my feelings of insecurity with Ouroboros at the moment, but so be it. I am NOT ready, and in fact INCREDIBLY PISSED.

She has made absolutely no effort to make things better on my part, and I do not even see it happening in the future.
Red-I don't know you. But you remind me in this quote of my husband Maca. I don't know your situation in full-so feel free to take my statements with a grain of salt.

But if you create a situation that is too structured, you can create exactly what you were trying to avoid by putting so much structure in-that is something I've learned with parenting. When raising children we have to give them "enough rope to hang themselves" so that they CAN prove themselves. Sometimes they prove they aren't ready for the freedom, sometimes they prove they are immediately ready for more.

If my husband (well he did) put such strictures on me as you described (NOT saying you are wrong) I would fail (I did) because inherently inside of me I NEED more than that from people I care about. I can't function that way. Ironically when he gave me freedom to be with my boyfriend in anyway I needed as long as it wasn't in his face, I spent the last two weeks making love to my husband twice a day-not the boyfriend. Because I COULD-the need was relieved already......

Right now my husband is actively working on his insecurities which sound similar to yours-I think you two might benefit from conversing about them-maybe bounce ideas off each other for working on your issues.

He's on here too-his name is Maca. Maybe send him a private message or something. I know he could use someone to talk with as well. As great as things are going so far-he's had a long road with me and I haven't made it easy (quite the opposite, I'm not sure why he stuck around!).

I wish you luck!
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  #20  
Old 10-09-2009, 08:01 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
On the one hand, It has only been a freaking month! I feel (and my friends agree) that this is insensitive of him. He saw her 3 times this summer, and WHY must he stop during this trip (or even mention it!) when he knows how emotionally charged the trip is for me already!!?

I am soo bothered by this.

On the other hand, I want to be compassionate...

THe hurt (from both of these issues) is just too much for me. I am definitly not running away, or trying to avoid anything. In fact, I am tackling one fear already by making this trip. I just don't want my head to be clouded by another issue... which at the moment is making me just want to cancel the whole damn thing.

I know this is selfish. I just don't know if it is the best thing for me to try to do all of this at once. AND, it makes me question Ouroboros' sincerity that he would bring this up now. I still need time. this feels like pressure. If I feel pressured, I put up walls. So, In order for me to get past this, I need to not feel pressure. The very thought that he brought it up makes me feel like he cannot wait to be with her...

My buddy suggested I talk with him, and tell him how I feel. If he pressures me, or fights with me, I guess I will know then that this relationship won't work out... right?

Any thoughts....?
What are you afraid will happen? I mean-what is the WORST case scenario?

When I feel insecure, jealous etc I ask myself these questions. Then WHY and WHAT WOUD I DO.

Something I read while researching about poly said (paraphrasing)
"if one person is feeling insecure and needs time to adjust the other partner should allow this-but if 3 weeks goes by and you are still stuck on needing time and feeling insecure that's pushing it and you need to stop vascillating and start working on your issue."

The 3week part was a quote-it stuck in my head. Your post reminds me of this. I get that you need time to solve your insecurity issues-but at the same time, it's not fair to expect someone to wait indefinately for that to happen. ESPECIALLY if the BASE cause of those insecurities isn't them... (which I dont' know as I don't know you).

So while I agree that the kiss which was against the agreement was wrong-I wonder if maybe you are dragging your feet impossibly? In which case-if he were on here saying that his partner wouldn't allow him to see/be with etc anyone else though she knew he was poly-well I think many would tell him it was time to end the relationship because obviously she was mono and wasn't willing to accept him for who he was.....

I'm NOT judging you-not at all, because as I said-I'm just going on what I've read in this thread. I have a heart too-and it's been crushed to smithereens-sounds like you are there. I just hope maybe something I said could give you a little broader perspective.

If you two really love each other-and he really is poly by nature-it will only work if you can allow him to LIVE poly... if you can't (and some people can't that's ok) then really you do need to leave him for both your sakes. It's not fair to you or him really.....
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