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Old 04-03-2011, 01:48 PM
Ummagumma Ummagumma is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 7

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Ummagumma, are you saying that you are poly by accident and not by 'choice', as it were, meaning you don't really identify as polyamorous and thus with the poly community?

While I think that it is a perfectly valid place to be in, going to a poly meet just might help to take of bit of the mystery around the lifestyle away. The people there are normal and nice and pretty functional (well, there is a higher than average concentration of Neo-Pagans/gamers/vegetarians/BDSM folks but you get the big picture ). One thing why I recommend people to check out their local group is that by just patrolling this board, you might think polyamory is all about high-strung emotional drama and processing. And then you go to a meet and see that struggling/transitioning mono/poly couples are actually just one side of the story, and there are a lot of people who are perfectly cool with their partners having additional partners. I think it's a bit similar for a gay boy coming from a small town to the big city and seeing perfectly nice and normal people who share the same gender identification cuddling and kissing each other. Just to see that you can be poly and perfectly functional and happy.
It's not I have a closed mind about polyamory or anything like that. I've never been your conventional woman --I'm very much a "free-spirit" if you will, and I would probably identify somewhat with all of the concentrations you state above .

However, I guess my issue with identifying as poly is that I don't really feel a need to seek any other partners. I've been happily mono up until now and I have many close relationships with guys, but they are platonic, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So I feel like this was definitely a fluke thing. And it's still confusing to me, I suppose, as I'd never even heard of polyamory before I did some research into open marriage. But I respect this notion/practice very much and I've always been open to the idea, I just never thought it would be something I would be thinking about this early in my marriage.

I feel like the only thing that indicates to me being poly is that I love both my husband and my BF very deeply and I want to have both of them in my life always. But I don't think I'll be looking to forge new relationships, like by dating for example. If I happen upon them, sure, but I find that the building deep connections with others is often rare for me. I have close friends yes, but it took me a long time to find them. And even still, they don't compare to how I connect with my hubby or bf. I'm fine with that. I'm a big fan of the deep connection, and I don't happen upon it often and thus I don't seek it out. I let it find me. It's just who I am I guess. I don't know if this effectively conveys what I'm trying to say to you really; I know poly isn't some box where you fit or you don't, just like anything else in the world, its very gray as opposed to black and white. I guess I'm saying I feel very gray about poly :P

You bring up a valid point about meeting other polys though. I definitely see what you're saying about the forum perhaps conveying a skewed view of poly in general as this is where people bring their issues to be worked out. And that's definitely something I will bring up to my husband as well, so thank you.

I'm not closed to the idea. For instance if my hubby thought it was a good idea, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But we're both pretty shy and the whole 'group' thing is daunting. I will look into it, but I'm just being honest that I probably won't reach out to a group. On the other hand, if I met a poly person/couple that would be cool, and I may. I've always been fairly open to anyone I talk to about how I live my life, so maybe that opportunity will arise.

Thanks for your comment
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