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Old 03-31-2011, 06:34 PM
harmonizethis harmonizethis is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Default relationship ended

hey all I'm new, just had a bad ending to a relationship, just wondering if maybe I ignored any warning signs?

we started out as friends on a swingers site (husband and I play together and with other couples), took some time and met up, and after a solid base was established we moved on to more intimate levels. What we didn't know was the other couple was more then swingers they were actually in an Open Relationship. As time moved on I became his secondary. we talked online for hours, and hung out as a group almost every weekend. We spent years like this, with the addition of a baby in my relationship, and the addition of others in his (lets call him B) repertoire. I for my part had my husband, and one other couple we played with (rarely, like once a year). Maybe this should have been a warning to me that what we wanted was not the same, but I was in love.

His wife (well call her N) was involved in a separate and intense relationship, but would still play with all of us, or my husband. Well this last year the dynamic changed with N's boyfriend moving, she moved onto a new relationship, but hadn't cut anyone out. she decided despite the thousands of miles separating her and her boyfriend she would continue (she loved him), and her new boyfriend, but that without romantic feelings would no longer participate with my husband. how this was handled was well to say the least poorly, and without an explanation ended. (that came MUCH later)

I was given the news while my husband was away for the weekend. To say the least I couldn't handle it. My primary, my husband and i try and always have played together. It's a rule. but B seen this as my (he called it weak) defense to end all relations. To be fair I didn't think i could continue as just friends, I was upset when he told me he'd had sex with N's new boyfriends girl (2 weeks before I got this news). We tried to stay friends, but I was too upset and hurt at not having any reason why things had to change. Both B and N didn't give an actual reason for weeks, and they certainly never told my husband why he was let go. to say the least a lot of emotions got in the way and a lot of things were said.

I cut off all ties over a month ago.

should I have seen this coming?
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:17 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Hi and welcome!

Not really familiar with the swinging scene, but is the problem that you don't want to have a relationship with B if N is not going to continue her relationship with your husband?

Why is it imperative that you and husband always share? You can't force connections, and can't have pity sex just to prevent someone feeling left out, like N probably has discovered.

Why can't your husband have another relationship with another female independent of you if he wants? Since people couple up for so many different reasons, it seems rather unlikely that two couples will form equally strong connections and attractions amongst them that will last equally long.

Should you have seen this coming? Um, the premises you started with seem rather unrealistic, so maybe it's more about how you should have considered that not everyone will want to play and love together all the time for ever.
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Old 04-01-2011, 01:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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The scenario you describe is why swinging makes no sense to me.

If you want to be poly rather than only swinging, why can't you continue your relationship with B? Why would his wife's no longer wanting to be with your husband affect your connection with B? It's puzzling. I just don't get how you think that everyone all has to be involved equally with each other. Poly, as you can see from reading these boards, can be manifest in numerous ways. Can you explain more?

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Last edited by nycindie; 04-01-2011 at 04:18 AM.
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:15 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

This is swinging turned poly it sounds like... the thing is that no one seemed to know what the hell was going on when "love" came into it... it sounds like whatever the wife's initial was.. sorry... found love with another and decided she had enough of swinging and didn't want to be fucking with people she didn't love any more.... a very frequent move for most people who go from swinging to poly.

Should you of seen it coming? Not necessarily. No one really knew anything about the "love" part, just the fucking part. It's my belief that sex is far more deeply routed in connection and therefore the possibility of love than most people either stop to realize, or bother to investigate... but that is just me.

I can see that as a swinger you would want to play together... in loving relationships that is quite often a starting place, but then moves into individual sex together, sometimes with occasional threesomes and more. It sounds like they were trying to get you up to speed with more traditional poly and you were still stuck in swinger land. It sounds like they got frustrated and a battle started and ended with all of you saying forget is.

I suggest you educate yourself about poly and see if it is a better situation for you to be in and give it some time... then approach them again and see where you are at, with knowledge behind you... no better place to start learning than here. Do a tag search for what interests you and get busy. Stay in touch if you want, we are all happy to answer questions.
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Old 04-02-2011, 12:23 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
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I don't personally understand why you would break up with him because his wife broke up with your husband. However, I would also say that the breakup (with you husband) sounds like it was handled terribly! No reason given, you were the one being told (not even him! You don't dump someone through his wife!), etc.

I'm not sure if you should have seen it coming or not. I guess if your relationship depends on other people's relationships, it's less stable by definition, since it might break up if something goes wrong in any of the relationships rather than just in your own. It also makes it hard to fix the problem if it's a problem that's not even in your relationship.
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