I believe my brain is breaking.

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

However, I make this promise now, I will not date someone until our relationship is better, and I won't date someone until I feel a REAL connection.

That's good, but I think our confusion comes from the fact that you said you are mono. And, well... It seems to me, if you are mono, feeling a real connection with someone else, as you say, is impossible.
I'm sorry if I sound demoralising, I just don't want you to get into that wild goose chase. Certainly, you are free to ask her to give you the same rights that she has, but it looks like you are... well, dreaming a bit.

I mean, if I said, as a poly, that I'd wait to find the one person that makes me not need to be poly anymore... people would tell me I've gone crazy. It won't happen.

Right now you sound to me a bit like... I know, imagine my boyfriend is bisexual, and I decide that since he gets to have sex with both genders, I will too. But because I don't want to hurt anyone, I'll wait to have a real connection with a woman, emotionally, intellectually and physically.
That's not going to happen. I'm straight. The odds against that are astronomical.

I guess they're not of zero, though. And if it helps you to know you have the same right she does, good for you. I just have a bad feeling about it, I guess. I'm worried you'll wait for things to magically get better and they won't.

I still wish you the best of luck about it. I could very well be completely off-base, after all.

[redpepper]

I didn't say you are a bastard quite the contrary, you are hurt. I get that. I just don't see what I can offer if you have already decided that you are right and I am wrong. I offered my thoughts and you disagree. That is fine, but please don't assume you know that I am wrong. You obviously have not read anything I have written or you would know that I know a great deal about what you are talking about and am willing to share what I have learned because of it. All I'm saying is it sounds like you are stuck in your anger and when you are done, I would be more than willing to ebgage you. For now I will leave it to others.

Do me a favour though. Please don't assume I know nothing of what you are going through and am full of shit. If you have read anything of what I have written about myself for two years here (see how many posts in the right hand corner?) You will see I have a few years on your story. Mine was very similar.

Good luck to you. Take care of your baby girl. I can see why you would worry about her.

[pheonixaise]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

That's good, but I think our confusion comes from the fact that you said you are mono. And, well... It seems to me, if you are mono, feeling a real connection with someone else, as you say, is impossible.
I'm sorry if I sound demoralising, I just don't want you to get into that wild goose chase. Certainly, you are free to ask her to give you the same rights that she has, but it looks like you are... well, dreaming a bit.

I mean, if I said, as a poly, that I'd wait to find the one person that makes me not need to be poly anymore... people would tell me I've gone crazy. It won't happen.

Right now you sound to me a bit like... I know, imagine my boyfriend is bisexual, and I decide that since he gets to have sex with both genders, I will too. But because I don't want to hurt anyone, I'll wait to have a real connection with a woman, emotionally, intellectually and physically.
That's not going to happen. I'm straight. The odds against that are astronomical.

I guess they're not of zero, though. And if it helps you to know you have the same right she does, good for you. I just have a bad feeling about it, I guess. I'm worried you'll wait for things to magically get better and they won't.

I still wish you the best of luck about it. I could very well be completely off-base, after all.

Ok, that was much better for me. When I don't feel like I'm being attacked, I have a much better chance of understanding where you are coming from.

Here is my theory. I haven't yet found someone who I could be in a relationship with while I am with my fiancee. However, I have felt certain kinds of different connections, and at its core, I believe that having multiple connections is not wrong.

That would be the reason why I haven't left my fiancee, and why I dated her in the first place. On paper, the theory is fine, and while a little outlandish and occasionally farfetched with little to no logical backing it has a massive amount of emotional backing.

My theory, and again, I could be wrong as well, is that when someone comes along (and I have ridiculously high standards that, trust me, I've tried to lower) that I feel really attached to, or put it this way, that I would date if I were single (As a mono person, that's kind of how I relate it) and they are ok with poly, then who knows? Based on my acceptance of the mindset as it is on paper, a positive piece of empirical evidence to suggest that it can in fact, be positive for me as well, may be all I need to say "Wait a minute! This NRE stuff is great, and I can now see where my fiancee is coming from!"

I haven't had that yet, and as much as a realize why it is such a drug for her, it still hurts tremendously to have it right there for me to see all the time, and yet don't retain any of the positive myself.

I have a theory that one can bolster NRE with more NRE. That is that the natural irrationality, or predisposition to ignoring negative qualities once mutuality in a relationship is established, can be compensated for by focusing those portions of your attention on the other NRE.

For example, if I like football (soccer over here) and my fiancee doesn't, but my theoretical second girlfriend does, when I want to catch a match, I would catch it with my second girlfriend. If my second girlfriend hates horror movies, and my fiancee doesn't, then I'll watch horror with my fiancee.

It's still just a theory, but I am actually working at giving this whole thing a shot. It just requires me finding a logical reason to put myself on the train tracks again.

[pheonixaise]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I didn't say you are a bastard quite the contrary, you are hurt. I get that. I just don't see what I can offer if you have already decided that you are right and I am wrong. I offered my thoughts and you disagree. That is fine, but please don't assume you know that I am wrong. You obviously have not read anything I have written or you would know that I know a great deal about what you are talking about and am willing to share what I have learned because of it. All I'm saying is it sounds like you are stuck in your anger and when you are done, I would be more than willing to ebgage you. For now I will leave it to others.

Do me a favour though. Please don't assume I know nothing of what you are going through and am full of shit. If you have read anything of what I have written about myself for two years here (see how many posts in the right hand corner?) You will see I have a few years on your story. Mine was very similar.

Good luck to you. Take care of your baby girl. I can see why you would worry about her.

I apologize, I don't think you or full of shit, or that you are wrong. I suppose my biggest question, stepping out of my defense and anger, is if you have been dealing with similar problems for two years, what is the point of the complexity?

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I'd like to chime in.

I want to go back to what you said about your earlier life. You had 12 sexual relationships, but weren't gratified. Until the 12th one, with your current partner. You also mentioned having Aspergers. One of the possible ways Aspergers can manifest is in missing social cues, and another is in taking a large interest in some topics or hobbies, to the point of rigidity or seeming obsession. (My gf's nephew is obsessed with electric fans, a nephew of mine with making paper cut out dolls. My dad is obsessed with NASCAR, etc., etc.)

So... for whatever reason, no woman satisfied you sexually until you met your fiancee. I am thinking she is highly sexual, and this brought out your reluctant libido...

Maybe *she* isnt satisfied with *your* lukewarm libido, and needs a more highly sexual partner. IMO (sorry Cindie), trips to poly fertility festivals occasionally, such as Beltane (yeehah!), or role playing networks like SCAA could work to give her a hit of sexy fun time in the midst of feeling like a hardworking drudge (I've been a stay at home mom, I know).

As far as dating, we've had threads here on how women do get hit on more, but so many men are unsuitable, we may be able to find a short term sexy dating partner, but finding real love is just as hard for us as it is for men.

If you are working and at school most of the week, are you able to meet her need to feel sexy, young and desirable, or is that a stretch for you? How does your Asperger's condition affect the relationship, if it does?

[Penny]

Your story is coming out in pieces, so it is hard not to come to the wrong conclusions. Your tone comes off as pretty confrontational, but as you explain more and give us more details, that tone becomes understandable.

It seems to me that you are attempting to mask justifiable outrage under a veneer of logic.

What I'm hearing is that your fiancee has cheated, is possibly an NRE junkie, and has done little to earn your trust after breaking it many times. It sounds to me like she has abused your willingness to be accommodating to her and your desire to make her happy.

She does not sound polyamorous to me, and so your questions about polyamory in this context are impossible to answer properly.

Though I do believe Magdlyn's comments above are pretty insightful and bear consideration.

[pheonixaise]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Hi, I'd like to chime in.

I want to go back to what you said about your earlier life. You had 12 sexual relationships, but weren't gratified. Until the 12th one, with your current partner. You also mentioned having Aspergers. One of the possible ways Aspergers can manifest is in missing social cues, and another is in taking a large interest in some topics or hobbies, to the point of rigidity or seeming obsession. (My gf's nephew is obsessed with electric fans, a nephew of mine with making paper cut out dolls. My dad is obsessed with NASCAR, etc., etc.)

So... for whatever reason, no woman satisfied you sexually until you met your fiancee. I am thinking she is highly sexual, and this brought out your reluctant libido...

Maybe *she* isnt satisfied with *your* lukewarm libido, and needs a more highly sexual partner. IMO (sorry Cindie), trips to poly fertility festivals occasionally, such as Beltane (yeehah!), or role playing networks like SCAA could work to give her a hit of sexy fun time in the midst of feeling like a hardworking drudge (I've been a stay at home mom, I know).

As far as dating, we've had threads here on how women do get hit on more, but so many men are unsuitable, we may be able to find a short term sexy dating partner, but finding real love is just as hard for us as it is for men.

If you are working and at school most of the week, are you able to meet her need to feel sexy, young and desirable, or is that a stretch for you? How does your Asperger's condition affect the relationship, if it does?

Ok, I know that wasn't meant to be spikey, and was said with the best of intentions. Thank you ^^ As someone with aspergers (though I will say this now, it is very mild. I don't have obsessions, and I catch most social ques now due to intense study) I readily accept constructive criticism. As for it affecting our relationship, it doesn't in terms of us. It does in fact make some difference socially, but not with her, as she seems to identify with it in a way. As for making her feel young and sexy, I'm not really sure I am fit to answer that. However, I will say that my "reluctant" libido is not something that causes me to not pursue her. In fact, it is quite the opposite. While I don't need it, and have never felt like I need it (meaning I have gone 3 years with having absolutely no desire to fulfill any sexual actions) I do readily accept it, and more often than she currently wants to, I do initiate and try my best to make her feel young, sexy and desirable. I tell her consistently how beautiful she is, both physically and emotionally, and her friends tell me constantly (some of them poly who are hinting at something) how wonderful I make her feel sexually, how much I take foreplay into account, etc. etc.

That being said, I don't actually know. She could be saying it to make me feel good, or her friends could be lying. I believe I'm doing a good enough job, but again, she would be the only one who would know.

Thank you for your post!

[Magdlyn]

Sorry for the double post, but this thread is moving fast. As I was writing, you mentioned your wife cut a lover's name into her arm. And she is struggling with depression as well, and using NRE to mask her pain?

Hmmm, some deep stuff going on here... kinda scary. Did you know she was a cutter all the time?

Did you know being a NRE junkie is not being poly?

As others here have said, it would be interesting to have your fiancee post here as well.

[pheonixaise]

Originally Posted by Penny

Your story is coming out in pieces, so it is hard not to come to the wrong conclusions. Your tone comes off as pretty confrontational, but as you explain more and give us more details, that tone becomes understandable.

It seems to me that you are attempting to mask justifiable outrage under a veneer of logic.

What I'm hearing is that your fiancee has cheated, is possibly an NRE junkie, and has done little to earn your trust after breaking it many times. It sounds to me like she has abused your willingness to be accommodating to her and your desire to make her happy.

She does not sound polyamorous to me, and so your questions about polyamory in this context are impossible to answer properly.

Though I do believe Magdlyn's comments above are pretty insightful and bear consideration.

That's a rather interesting perspective. I don't actually believe she cheated because she never did anything to knowingly break my trust or hurt me. At least no more so than knowing I wouldn't be happy about it, but in her defense, I wouldn't be happy to know that she's sleeping with someone else, even if I accept it.

I agree that her comments do indeed beg consideration. ^^

[Penny]

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

I don't actually believe she cheated because she never did anything to knowingly break my trust or hurt me.

It was not clear from your post that, when you walked in on her with your best friend, you were aware that she was with him beforehand.

I agree with those who think she is not actually polyamorous. It does sound like she is using NRE like a drug.