Trying to be sensitive to/understand my (probably)Mono partner's needs

[Stupid]

HELLO ALL!

I have been a lurker here for a while. I'm coming out to reply to this post because it is similar to a situation that I have been in once. I applaud the honesty that I am reading here! It makes me excited to participate in this discussion. I think that I have some good advice to give here. About me = I used to be a mono. I was poly for some time after that. Now I'm back to mono.

lookatmues - you said in your introduction that you have known polynrdgrl for a little over a month. Dude, you need to keep your emotions in check. Be logical about this. Is it not entirely possible that the feelings that you are having are so strong because she's not as available to you as you would like? I think that is exactly the reason why you feel as strongly as you do. I have been there. I was where you are today. You are building her up in your mind into something that she is not. She MAY not be right for you. I am not saying that she is NOT right for you. Just try to get a grip man. You cannot love someone that you do not know. It is not true love. You are in love with your own fantasies. There are many fish in the sea my brother. I am not saying that you should toss this one back yet. Just consider it for a while. Tell yourself that you do not need her. You really don't. That is a fact. Just considering this fact for a while will bring you back to reality and you should be able to cope with things better. Stop taking this relationship so seriously because it is really too soon to take it so seriously. So think about that. She has control over you right now and she will use it to her advantage whether she means to or not. Either way it is not good for you. Do what I said and tell yourself you do not need her. You will feel better in a week.

polynrdgrl - I do not like what you are doing here. You have the upper hand in this relationship and I do not think that you are being fair to lookatmues. Should this really be lookatmues introduction to polyamory? You fail. You have more experience with this type of relationship but you still seem very lost. You talk about all of your failed relationships and bad patterns but you still engage in the same behavior that has always failed you. You are leading lookatmues on. The guy is a wreck. You don't seem to know what you want. Sorry to seem harsh but you should re evaluate everything that you are doing here. This is really serious business. Stop fucking with this guy's head and get your own head checked out. I would not be so blunt but the emotions are running high here.

[redpepper]

One penis policies are just not an option for me in my world. I think that its hypocritical also... as Flamecat does. They hark of control and manipulation of women and that just doesn't sit for me.

Mono thinks that your situation is similar to mine and his... there are some glaring differences... A. He and I have been together for two years, the two of you, two months, B. He will not be having sex out side of our commitment EVER. I own that cock (In a D/s sense). He is bound to me and if he ever does ask for that or cheats, he and I will be making some fucking HUGE changes. Sorry, this sounds angry, but I am just being firm

As for you two? Well, if I were in your situation I would not be happy at all with my mono man going out and having a hook up if I had to suck it up and not be free to decide what I want to do for myself. Emotions or not, I just simply see no difference. He can do it, I can do it, end of story. Besides, that is not mono, that is open to me and if he is open then I reckon I can be.

One month is not long enough to think that this is going to last. It's too short a time I think. It's a time of huge NRE and huge illusions about who a person is even though you think you might know them.

I suggest that you pace yourself and wait awhile until you have settled into the fact that you moved and to the relationship you have before making attempts to change it by adding others. You said you waited, but that was a token of waiting, not REAL waiting I think. You don't have a groove yet in the relationship you have together...

I just don't think you would be giving yourself a solid foundation if you branch out yet and push the poly thing... besides the whole "hooking up" thing is just kinda creepy to me for some reason. What is that all about,,,, really? You really think you can say no you can't go fuck a guy you love but I can go and have random sex with a stranger I met on line? BAH< I don't get how that works!

[PolyNrrdGrrl]

RedPepper, and even "Stupid", I do agree with you. My past relationships have been several years long. The kind of intensity that has arisen between LAM and I is very clearly a type of infatuation.

THe thing that has me feeling bound, RP, is not that I think it's a great idea to introduce others after such a short time. The problem about that is - I'm not going off and finding new partners to add to the mix and trying to build my "tribe" all at once or something. I came into this relationship already having two other partners. I was completely honest with LAM about my girlfriend, but I wasn't totally honest with myself about J. And as I've said, I am not willing to say goodbye to either my girlfriend (who I honestly see as a lifelong partner) or to J.

I also don't have any desire to have anyone "submit" in a D/S sense in a relationship (not saying Mono is submitting, he very obviously has made his choice with you) ... but I'm such a Switch it isn't even funny. I'm not happy having the upper hand in a relationship ... and I'm not happy with having rules restricting the way I love.

I think I am viewing this differently than you, RP. You see it as too early to have other partners in the mix.. I see it as too early for someone to dare to tell me I have to restrict my interactions with other partners. Not that J and I have a very lengthy background, but he is a huge part of my life. The development of our relationship has seriously slowed butr neither of us could control it actually happening. When you and Mono began dating, I'm sure he wouldn't have had the audacity to expect you to no longer kiss PN.

I'm also extremely frustrated at the policy that my relationship with C isn't an issue in the least because she harbors certain genitalia. I identify as pansexual and to me love is love is love is love. How unfair to myself and J and any other man or woman or anyone in my life or his life to say that they are on different footings. I'm NOT okay with being "allowed" to have one relationship but not another, both of them predating this one, just because of the gender of the partners. I find this an extremely repulsive trait that I see in many men in these "types" of relationships.


I am running on sleep deprivation, it might not be good for me to post this as I am feeling irritated and frustrated and a little rage-y for no reason other than not enough sleep (I am also a narcoleptic and the mother of a 2 year old... things get pretty intense inside my head! Haha)

[PolyNrrdGrrl]

Originally Posted by redpepper

One month is not long enough to think that this is going to last. It's too short a time I think. It's a time of huge NRE and huge illusions about who a person is even though you think you might know them.

I'm more concerned about him not having a clue who I really am, than I am about feeling as if I don't know him well enough. As you can tell from his posts, LAM's emotions and feelings are very intense. I'm not saying I don't feel intense emotions when with him and a desire to continue this relationship and be with him. But you're right in saying that the couple of months we've been getting to know each other are not enough to be sure about any of this.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I just don't think you would be giving yourself a solid foundation if you branch out yet and push the poly thing... besides the whole "hooking up" thing is just kinda creepy to me for some reason. What is that all about,,,, really? You really think you can say no you can't go fuck a guy you love but I can go and have random sex with a stranger I met on line? BAH< I don't get how that works!

ITA :/ I don't mind it simply because I feel as if it's "no skin off my back". I'm more liberal about sex than most, I'd be okay with being with a partner who swings when I don't etc. I guess, as I said, I don't see it as "pushing" the poly thing. This is what my past two relationships were - since I didn't go into them with any previous relationships in place, we remained monogamous to each other until they were comfortable (the first one took years and the second was a man I have loved for over 6 years, but our relationship was about 5 months old when he broached the subject himself) and it didn't work out. I was very new to starting a relationship with others in place already, and I felt the need to assure LAM that he was my "Primary" and that with C being currently a LDR (not that he cares, because she's a girl, sigh) and J and I fighting, things were scaled back to "just friends". Which just wasn't true. I wasn't being dishonest to him, but to myself. I've always been open with him about my feelings about other people though, so I don't think I just swooped in one day and said "remember what I said? fuck it. i want to date others NOW". I just think I've been seeing my usual pattern in effect and I want that to change. Even if this relationship doesn't pan out, I still have to figure out how to nurture my other two and not have anyone feel resentment that I basically told them to F off for a minute while I figured things out with the "New Guy".

I ramble a lot while tired. I do apologize

[lookatmues]

Originally Posted by PolyNrrdGrrl

I will say, FlameKat, that I don't know how much of his planned hook up is hypocritical. He had told me that he was willing to remove the physical boundaries between myself and other partners/potential partners and that was when this other person and him got into contact for this encounter. When he realized that I actually had a desire to be physical with J, he offered to cancel his "date" and I told him it isn't necessary.

Personally, I think that "just sex" is slightly repulsive. Not that I never do it - hell, I slept with LAM the first time I met him and I didn't expect much to come from our relationship. But typically, sexual acts are reserved for those I have strong feelings for. So it's hard for me to see that my idea of healthy sexuality with those I love is considered "worse" than someone just having sex with an online date, because there are feelings involved.

LookAtMues: I do wish that you'd reveal the specifics of your planned encounter here as far as what would make it "unique" because there is a very GLARING issue there that I would love to address and get some input on but I don't know how private you wish to be about that aspect of it.

Are you talking about that I am hooking up with a member of the same sex?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by PolyNrrdGrrl

I find this an extremely repulsive trait that I see in many men in these "types" of relationships.


)

If you are repulsed by a partner's trait, then why are you with them?

I have the same genital specific boundaries and know this causes RP stress, but if it repulsed her I would like to think she would move on.

[PolyNrrdGrrl]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

If you are repulsed by a partner's trait, then why are you with them?

I have the same genital specific boundaries and know this causes RP stress, but if it repulsed her I would like to think she would move on.

It doesnt make me find LAM repulsive, it is the idea of gender inequality.

[PolyNrrdGrrl]

Originally Posted by lookatmues

Are you talking about that I am hooking up with a member of the same sex?

yes. (and your return phone call may not happen, there is a very sleepy two year old in my lap)

[PolyNrrdGrrl]

Upon reading around and actually paying attention to the advice I'm being given here and trying to tap into my feelings about this whole situation, I'm having such a hard time. It isn't fair to LAM that I'm expecting him to instantly embrace an entirely different lifestyle than what he is used to. It isn't fair to J that I expect him to be "the other man" until LAM is comfortable with us, even though our relationship predates my even knowing of LAM's existence (not that that should really matter). It isn't fair to me that after so short of a time I should be expected to be so serious about somebody. This relationship hasn't had its chance to develop naturally, it's been rushed and fueled by the intense NRE - and a lot of it is my loneliness. I have just moved here, I haven't had a chance to find friends or hobbies or any "me space"outside of LAM and J.

So I think, after talking to LAM, and I hope that this is his understanding of it as well because I'd hate for him to read something different here, that we will just be scaling it back. I can't do "primary", I can't do anything other than just... let it be what it will be. The boundaries will fall into place as we find where we truly fit into each others lives.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by PolyNrrdGrrl

yes

How do you feel about LAM's bisexuality? Is it a factor for you that he is hooking up with another man instead of another woman?