Confused and vexxed
Hey all, I'm new to the forum, tho I've been lurking for a few weeks. I'm 23 and married for 2 years to the sweetest husband I could ever have. When we got married, I told him that I understood that people strayed and if it came to that that we could always discuss open marriage as we needed to. I always expected that this would apply more to him than me as we married young (and still are very young) and I knew that it may be something we would have to deal with when the time (probably) came.
I never questioned my monoamory until this year. I've recently moved to a new city and I'm doing my masters. My husband has had to work at night to support us and he loves his job. But I became very lonely, very quickly, as I have no close friends here and he was gone all the time.
For irrational reasons, I was very afraid he would meet someone new at his work and probably cheat on me. I felt like I was a crap wife because all I did was complain about how lonely I was and it would stress him out. However, over the course of a few months, with some ups and downs, and some extremely low downs, I feel like I've come a long way from that sentiment. I started to think, 'if he "cheats," so what?' I know he loves me, and I want him to have good life experiences and enjoy life as much as possible because it's so short.
So after months of pondering the meaning of life and other such classic notions of thought, I was finally in a good place again. I felt more confident, and less lonely, and I was more willing to reach out to people.
This is when I met my BF of sorts. We immediately had a strong connection and we find we are so alike in so many ways and we're really honest and open to eachother. Classic NRE, but I've quickly fallen intensely in love with him. I've always been free to be friends with who I please, and my hubby is very liberal with that and has no jealousy or trust issues therein. So this was fine for him that I had a new best friend, and he was so happy that I wasn't depressed anymore and seemed to have refound my identity and zest for life.
Things developed quite deeply for me and the BF and we eventually told eachother how we feel and we're totally pining for one another. I was very confused, and I still am, because I love my husband more than anything in the world and I think he is so sexy and that we are absolutely soul-mates (if you dig that shit). And I don't know why I feel like this relationship with the BF MUST be gratified. Yet, when I think of not having that kind of connection with him, I feel like I'm ..... lacking, or empty or something.
I also feel again, that life is what you make it, and it's all about experiences and the connections you have with people ect ect.
Given that the hubby and I have always had a very open and honest communication with eachother, and after much hinting as to my rapidly developing crush on my new BFF, I told him exactly how I was feeling, after I had researched a little bit about 'open marriage.' I would never cheat on him, but I couldn't help how I was feeling.
And the other part, is that I don't feel bad about this new relationship at all. Sure, I feel upset when my hubby is upset. But I feel like this is completely natural, I guess. And the BF is very understanding about it all as well. He is very concerned for my husbands feelings and for mine. He wants to be friends with my husband very much, but those feelings are not mutual right now. However, they have talked on occasion, so they know eachother and know alot about eachother through me and our other friends. My BF has also stated that he will never engage in a sexual relationship with me until my husband has come to grips and it ok with it.
At first my husband was completely understanding of the idea of an open marriage, given the rational often used in its advocacy. And we agreed that swinging is not really for us, but it's more about the deeper connection and having fun. We agreed there would have to be boundaries. And he was excited about it because he saw this as an opportunity for him as well.
But it got too real for him when I asked him to think about whether it would be OK if I took my relationship with my BF to the next level. Now my hubby is trying to cope with the classic emotions of jealousy, insecurity, fear of abandonment, envy ect ect (you know em all). I get that completely, and I don't want to rush him.
However, I do want him to look inside himself and try to see what the unconscious issues are for himself. We have definitely been too co-dependant most of our lives together, to a definite fault. I do believe that he sees this other man as a breach of that relationship, and that its shattering his world and view of me.
He struggles because he wants me to be happy and fulfilled, and he understands all the reasons he should be OK with this, and he believes them; yet, what he is feeling sometimes is very different.
He is very mad at me and at my BF sometimes. And he seems to concentrate on that fact alot. I worry that he doesn't want to try to be OK with it because he doesn't want to do that soul-searching. It's also making his heart a little hard. We are often communicating about this whole thing and he always feels more clear headed and much better when we do talk, so we do. I told him we can take a step back and go at his pace so he doesn't break. And he was happy about that. Again though, (and he's stated as much) I think he feels that if he defers this long enough, that it will be just a phase and that I outgrow it and move on and everything will be the same as before and the BF will eventually be out of the picture.
And that may be true, but I don't want to let this phase pass without completely experiencing it before it's over, if it ends.
I'm not sure if I identity with polyamorous actually, I feel like this has been a total fluke. I didn't mean for it to happen, and it's never happened to me before. I said as much to him, because I don't know whether I will feel this again someday in the future, and I definitely can't see myself pursuing boyfriends (girlfriends), as I don't really feel I need to in a sense. I'm just really confused with my identity right now and I know he is too. We've been on a total whirlwind for the last month or so.
He is definitely monogamous, I think. I would encourage him to have other relationships if he liked, but he's not into it. I've also encouraged him to read and post on the boards here. He says he will look into some, but so far he feels as though the boards are biased, and that there are no true mono people here (as the monos are in relationships with polys) >.> This is something else that makes me think he just doesn't want to deal with the issue. Yet he wants me to be happy, he loves me, he trusts me (well mostly I suppose). I feel like this could strengthen our marriage by tenfold, and I know he is trying to get there. He knows how its supposed to go, but it's been very hard for him and I feel for him. He has also made a few strides and I'm very proud of him. For instance, he says he is completely OK with me being in love with another man, it's just the sexual part that makes him feel insecure and whatnot.
Yet at the same time, I'm feeling torn. I get frustrated with him, and that makes me feel guilty because I know this is a two way street with regards to communication, understanding, love and compassion. I wish I could help him more, but I know he needs to help himself and find himself deep down and deal with whatever it is that goes against his logic and compassion for me and for us.
This is soooo long and I apologize. It's been crazy.
I'm sure the only advise anyone can give me is to take a lot of time and communicate openly and often. But any other sentiments that may be useful from you all would be much appreciated.
Last edited by Ummagumma; 04-01-2011 at 12:35 PM. Reason: context