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  #1  
Old 03-31-2011, 03:40 PM
katiebug102579 katiebug102579 is offline
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Unhappy Help! Help! Help!!

New to this site so please bear with me!!! My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and have been poly for the last 2 1/2. I came out to him as bisexual and he has let me explore that. My biggest issue I have is jealousy!! I get jealous very easily and it has made me question whether or not a poly relationship is for me.

All of the past relationships we have had it ends up ugly and I find out that for the most part the other woman was just there for him and felt that she had to "play" with me in order to get him. So needless to say I have been scarred quite a bit by this.

Now to present day..... He has tracked down his Jr. High/High School sweetheart. Someone he still is in love with - you never forget your first love!! Someone he has been completely honest with me about. I was jealous at first because we were going through a REALLY BAD break up and my biggest fear was that if he were to leave me he already had someone to go to now that he found her. But she is the one that reached out to me and actually wanted to start a friendship with me. So we talked and text on the phone and I immediately fell in love! She is amazing and I have told my husband that I can totally see why he was able to hold on to her for over 20 years. She is bisexual as well and willing to be with us. The only problems we have to overcome are:

1) She is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming the third in our triad.

2) She lives 5 states away and is not wanting to move to us just yet but we are toying with the idea of moving to her.

3) My jealousy issues.

My husband and I tried with previous relationships the whole "alone time" thing. It didnt work because we would end up playing Tit for Tat - things like "Well, you got to hold her for 45 minutes and I only held her for 30". We understand how important alone time is and I am wanting to know how it has worked out for others in the same situation. How do you tell the third person (whoever it may be) that you only want to be with the other person? Do you tell them to go sleep on the couch? Do you schedule it? Our GF (Thats what we call her now) and I have joked that she gets him M W F and I get him T TH and SAT and SUN is just for she and I. I know that is a crazy idea but it is just a joke for now.

Also how do I deal with the fact that I am fine with them having alone time with eachother - I just dont want to hear the two of them going at it and will that feeling diminish with time once we get comfortable with eachother?

Please offer any advice for a struggling Polyamorist who has finally found her unicorn and does not want to give her up!!!
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  #2  
Old 03-31-2011, 03:53 PM
sweetaugustbaby sweetaugustbaby is offline
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Default jelousy..

I think is a huge huge issue in any relationship like this..

but that he already has a past with her I can see it being even more...

I think u have to agree upon ground rules first..
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  #3  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:04 PM
katiebug102579 katiebug102579 is offline
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Default The Past

I can see what you mean about him having a past with her.... but the way I see it is every other girl we have been with have been new to our relationship and I have had to struggle with "sharing" someone that I have shared 8 years with and now he gets to see what I go through since he has to share someone he has a past with. I know it probably sounds petty but she makes me happier than any other woman has and I am willing to do what ever it takes to make it work.

And another thing that is different about this relationship is she has expressed and I have seen it the week we spent with her - that she is in this for both of us and not just him. So I take that as a good thing in a poly situation.
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Old 03-31-2011, 04:11 PM
sweetaugustbaby sweetaugustbaby is offline
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I kinda relate..the new girl Im seeing is totally into both of us and it shows!!!

It does make things a lot better..

I think u should make a list of why things failed in past triads and think about how it could affect this new relationship..
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Old 03-31-2011, 04:15 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
1) She is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming the third in our triad.
Don'tget caught up in some one's dishonesty...make sure she is up front with her partner.


Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
2) She lives 5 states away and is not wanting to move to us just yet but we are toying with the idea of moving to her.
Take your time! Moving is a huge leap...just saying
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Old 03-31-2011, 05:22 PM
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Is there any reason why you both have to date the same woman? You might find things a little less tit for tat if you were with different people.

As for the woman who lives 5 states away, spend a lot of time with her irl before even considering moving her in. She would have to give up her whole life where she is to move in with you and that's no small undertaking. Also make sure she has a plan to support herself when she does move. Money troubles put a lot of additional stress on a relationship.
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
I get jealous very easily and it has made me question whether or not a poly relationship is for me.
Just because you are in poly relationships doesn't mean you can't, won't, or shouldn't feel jealous. You're human and you feel what you feel. It's how you deal with jealousy that makes more of a difference.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
All of the past relationships we have had it ends up ugly and I find out that for the most part the other woman was just there for him and felt that she had to "play" with me in order to get him. So needless to say I have been scarred quite a bit by this.
Is this a requirement you have that you two must be involved together with the same woman? Why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
So we talked and text on the phone and I immediately fell in love!
Really? Seriously? Egad. Through phone calls and text messages you are in love with someone you haven't met yet? I find this hard to fathom. What about chemistry, that hard to describe thing that can only happen in person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
The only problems we have to overcome are:

1) She is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming the third in our triad.

2) She lives 5 states away and is not wanting to move to us just yet but we are toying with the idea of moving to her.
I think you are largely being unrealistic. He tracks down his high school sweetheart, for whom he's carried a torch, and she's responded positively but is involved with someone. She may be thinking about being with you two, but it could just be a fantasy she doesn't necessarily need to make happen. She has a life.

Furthermore, why would you want her to uproot her when you have no relationship established with her yet? This is nonsensical. If you want to have something solid, some face-to-face meetings are in order, to see if there really is something there that you ALL want to develop into something more substantial and worthwhile.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
My husband and I tried with previous relationships the whole "alone time" thing. It didnt work because we would end up playing Tit for Tat - things like "Well, you got to hold her for 45 minutes and I only held her for 30". We understand how important alone time is and I am wanting to know how it has worked out for others in the same situation.
This sounds very icky. If I were treated like that, I'd run and never look back. I would say stop treating these women like toys or possessions that you each need to use to satisfy some idea of ownership.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
How do you tell the third person (whoever it may be) that you only want to be with the other person? Do you tell them to go sleep on the couch? Do you schedule it? Our GF (Thats what we call her now) and I have joked that she gets him M W F and I get him T TH and SAT and SUN is just for she and I. I know that is a crazy idea but it is just a joke for now.
See: Is our time split unusual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
Also how do I deal with the fact that I am fine with them having alone time with each other - I just dont want to hear the two of them going at it and will that feeling diminish with time once we get comfortable with each other?
Well, this is a common consideration and involves setting boundaries. Read some more of this forum, perhaps looking specifically for the keywords or tags "boundaries."

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
Please offer any advice for a struggling Polyamorist who has finally found her unicorn and does not want to give her up!!!
Yeah, that comment smacks of seeing her as a sex toy again, and not a person with individual rights, wants, needs, and feelings. Ick again. Truthfully, you do come across to me as having a somewhat immature outlook -- either that or you don't think things through well enough -- and so I question your approach to polyamory because of this.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-31-2011 at 10:52 PM.
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  #8  
Old 03-31-2011, 10:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
All of the past relationships we have had it ends up ugly and I find out that for the most part the other woman was just there for him and felt that she had to "play" with me in order to get him.
My advice? Date. Lesbians.

I have to chime in with everything everyone else has already said - you have a bad track record of trying to form a triad, why not try for something new this time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
I was jealous at first because we were going through a REALLY BAD break up and my biggest fear was that if he were to leave me he already had someone to go to now that he found her.
How is your relationship with hubby now? Looming threat of a break-up is not exactly an ideal situation to start trying for a triad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
1) She is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming the third in our triad.
Yep, in full agreement with everyone else. Stop all progress NOW and wait till her current partner in person gives you the green light.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
2) She lives 5 states away and is not wanting to move to us just yet but we are toying with the idea of moving to her.
Please don't. Wait till the NRE wears off (up to two years, even longer with long-distance!) before making life-altering decision, or asking anyone else to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiebug102579 View Post
How do you tell the third person (whoever it may be) that you only want to be with the other person? Do you tell them to go sleep on the couch? Do you schedule it?
Much easier if 'unicorn' has her own apartment. In your specific situation?
1) Have separate dates, on separate days. First you, then him. Then you again. Make sure to have dates with your hubby, too.
2) No threesomes! Huge explosive potential for jealousy and feelings of neglect there.
3) Some people feel that no sleep-overs at the beginning of the relationship make everything smoother.

All in all, go slower than you would like to! Schedule dates to start and end at a specific time instead of suddenly hanging out all the time together the three of you. Get to know her. You have time. If it's worth it, it's worth the work and wait, too.
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  #9  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:37 AM
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She is cheating and you are not able to share and you are going to move to be near her.... wow! I don't know where to start.

From my own experience. I make a point of reminding myself
-don't date cheaters
-don't encourage cheating
-if you can't share, date separately
-don't move people in a state of NRE

So this woman came to visit you and didn't tell her partner and you think that is not only okay but encouraged it by having her stay with you. This person is being lied to. He (?) thinks he is in a monogamous relationship with a woman that is faithful and committed to him. If you were in his shoes, how would this make you feel? If you were standing beside him at the bank and new that you had touched his woman without his knowledge or consent, how would you feel? Do you not think she could also cheat on the two of you? Where is her integrity? Where is her back bone to stand up for herself and begin making moves to better her life by addressing the issues they have or leaving if she is not able? Where is your integrity in this? You are as much a part of this as she is. I suggest you do a tag search on "cheating" and see how cheating has effected people in their lives, poly or otherwise. There is a lot of info on here that might help.

If you can't share, then why are you dating the same people? This is not essential to poly relationships I don't think... in fact it seems to work better to become independent and find ones own loves. Sharing time together, sharing stories of what you do with your life and sharing a future together in poly is where it is at for me. Having lived this for a good long while; not making rules about sharing lovers...if that comes, great... but is not ideal.

Triads such as the ones you describe making rules about for your poly life, seems to last until the NRE is over. Then when it becomes impossible to live ones life doing everything together it becomes a matter of who loves who more and who doesn't really want to have sex with who and who is spending more time with who and ... petty stuff ya know? At least of the relationships I have known that last over a year, sometimes less, if this isn't worked out or at least considered as it goes along, then its usually done. Maybe that doesn't matter to you though and under a year is enough... doesn't sound like it if you are moving close to each other.

That leads me to another thing... moving. It seems to work better to save all that until after the NRE is over. Being drunk on puppy love is fun, but not a great time to make life changing decisions. Just cause he knows her and has a history doesn't mean that this will be the same with you in the picture. it will be different. Three is different than two. Why not see what those differences are before making huge changes to your life.
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