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Old 04-01-2011, 03:17 AM
TheBlackSwede's Avatar
TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Diego
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Talked with G quite a bit today. It's been difficult to find a chance where we can really TALK - we're staying with my folks here until we can move into our house next week. They're usually around, and so is our little boy, so that complicates proper communication - we don't even have our own room here, and there have been times I've feel like crawling out of my skin here. I love my family more than life itself, I truly do, but the inability to really communicate with my wife (let alone be intimate in any PROPER way) is driving me crazy.

We talked, and while I still haven't told her that I love L, she knows I have feelings for her, and that she's more than a lover - that it's a relationship. She's really jealous. ...and also pissed at me - seems to think that I'm one-sided, because of how badly her last experience went, and maybe I was a little too needy, but there were serious red flags going off (read the link at the top of the thread), and I had valid concerns which compounded my own insecurity. I think that had there NOT been these red flags, I would probably have been fine. There was also a lot of excitement and compersion on my part, and I'm sure a lot of that came off as me "grilling" her or being negative/needy because of my other concerns, but most of the time I asked her questions or wanted to talk was because I wanted to connect with her, and enjoy her enjoying the experience. In the end, of course, my concerns about the guy's character were valid - he lied about being tested since having a sexual partner last, and he gave us Chlamydia. That was the point at which they ended it, at my request.

G and I have a different set of ideas about who we want to fuck. I wouldn't want to fuck someone who I wouldn't want as a friend, and she wouldn't want to fuck someone she WOULD want as a friend. She likes her men dangerous, I guess, which is probably part of why she likes ME. Maybe I need to get her a motorcycle.

She was upset that I was open to having feelings for someone, and that I think we both should be - she had feelings for a lover when we were in college, and that ended in trainwreck - nearly ended US along with it. I understand her reluctance to go down that path again, but we're older, more mature, we've learned so much, grown so much. I have faith that we can handle it now, while we clearly couldn't when we were 19. That was literally more than a decade ago.

There have been lots of things from her like "Why am I not enough?", but it's not her that's not enough. I don't want a ruddy harem, I'm a poppa-bear, not a playa, but I definitely feel like Poly is right for me, and that it's something I need. Honestly, I'm afraid that if we can't BE poly, I'll find myself cheating sometime in the future, and I'd hate myself for it. I hate lies. I hate sneaking. I hate betrayal.

Sigh.

Edit: L has been very understanding, giving, and patient. She's wonderful, and I'm very thankful. I want to go to her, and god knows I could use the support... but I can't leave G like this.
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