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  #11  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:10 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
About primary/secondary, I suggest you look at other threads for descriptions of what makes a relationship one or the other. Things such as living together, raising children together, sharing finances, making long-term projects, taking (most) vacations together, making big purchases together are all things that usually mean the relationship is primary (they don't need to all be present).
Ooh, really good questions, Tonberry! Are these listed somewhere outside of this thread?

You can have non-sexual primaries too, if you have consciously chosen to share your life with someone in a manner Tonberry described, in a sort of 'intentional community' kind of way. Although these are not strictly speaking poly-relationships, they have an impact on romantic relationships much like children or pets do.

Also, I want to add a few questions of my own:

1) Do your other partners have veto power in what comes to new relationships? If so, do I, and under what circumstances?
2) Is casual sex allowed without having to discuss it beforehand?
3) What shall we do in case of an accidental pregnancy?
4) How out are you on being poly? How out do you expect me to be?
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  #12  
Old 03-30-2011, 09:39 PM
Myrddin Myrddin is offline
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MonoVCPHG: Oh, I like that survival guide.

Tonberry / BlackUnicorn: good questions. Without wanting to seem like a game-show host, I might discreetly scribble out a list of those before our next meeting.

The fluid-bonding thing is a non-issue, certainly for the foreseeable future. I have no intention of becoming a daddy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyNrrdGrrl
It seems like through his struggles with polyamory, he fails to realize he is already ENGAGING in it, by simply being with me, while I'm with her, and she's with whomever, and so on
Yeah, that sounds like me in another couple of months. When it finally hits home, I'd be interested to know what his reaction is. He might be putting off thinking about it.

By way of analogy, I'm massively careful to arrive on time for any of our "dates"*. I honestly don't know whether she'd be bothered if I was my usual unpunctual self, but it feels disrespectful to leave her hanging around. On the other hand, she often runs quite late, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Total cognitive dissonance on my part.

On a similar note, one thing I've been wondering - she mentioned that she's only considered herself poly since last year. I think it's a bit of an experiment for her. So can I safely assume that she's "pure poly" (if there is such a thing), or do I need to worry that she'll react mono-style in some situations? What are the major crisis points for someone who's still learning how to be poly? And is there a risk that we'll end up in a situation where she gets the best of both worlds and I get the worst?

Thanks for the advice Your situation seems scarily similar to mine - for a moment there I was seriously wondering whether you were her! That would have been a bit of a shock...

* Quote marks for BlackUnicorn's benefit

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
If the judgement of your friends is a concern now, how will you feel if she starts dating other men?
Good question. Hopefully this wouldn't happen until I've had time to figure out how I feel about the situation.

Another of those things that shouldn't make a difference but does is that three of my friends are getting married this year (to different people, I mean). It's hard to move against the flow towards a more experimental lifestyle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
I think straight guys have two basic responses to female bisexuality...
Actually, neither of these is me. Which came as a surprise, really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
Getting to know the OSO could assuage many of your potential fears. Also seeing the two of them together might help you understand what this lifestyle is about.
That makes sense. Although we're assuming that the OSO is also poly, which frankly I have no idea about. Need to ask.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
No stop-gaps that I can see. Could you specify?
Stuff doesn't stay secret forever. Some muppet (possibly me) makes a drunken wall-posting on facebook, or is a little careless with their Flickr snaps, and suddenly the world and his wife knows. So any plan that starts "just don't tell anybody"... that's not a long-term plan.
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  #13  
Old 03-30-2011, 09:54 PM
Myrddin Myrddin is offline
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Oh, and...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
mono relationship can go all to hell too
Understatement of the freakin' century.
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  #14  
Old 03-31-2011, 12:40 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
By way of analogy, I'm massively careful to arrive on time for any of our "dates"*. I honestly don't know whether she'd be bothered if I was my usual unpunctual self, but it feels disrespectful to leave her hanging around. On the other hand, she often runs quite late, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Total cognitive dissonance on my part.

On a similar note, one thing I've been wondering - she mentioned that she's only considered herself poly since last year. I think it's a bit of an experiment for her. So can I safely assume that she's "pure poly" (if there is such a thing), or do I need to worry that she'll react mono-style in some situations? What are the major crisis points for someone who's still learning how to be poly? And is there a risk that we'll end up in a situation where she gets the best of both worlds and I get the worst?


* Quote marks for BlackUnicorn's benefit
Ooh, appreciate the quotation marks! Never personally wear unmatching underwear to any of my 'dates', just in case.

I think there are many helpful things to read in the life stories part, BUT the one major hurdle I can think of is jealousy. If you are not a compersion junkie like I am or have never experienced that, despite being all good with your partner having other partners in theory, jealousy can totally undo a starting (and why not an experienced) poly. Like that cognitive dissonance you spoke about; 'I know I have no business being jealous about him having other partners while I allow myself multiple partners, but f*!'.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
Stuff doesn't stay secret forever. Some muppet (possibly me) makes a drunken wall-posting on facebook, or is a little careless with their Flickr snaps, and suddenly the world and his wife knows. So any plan that starts "just don't tell anybody"... that's not a long-term plan.
I believe once you honestly are happy and content in the relationship, which also would mean long-termishness in most cases, the fear of public disapproval lessens. Coming out as a bisexual after 10 years of closet-cleaning has been the best decision I've ever made, and I would never allow anyone to stuff me back in that musty old thing over being poly or whatever again. It's just too crowded in there.
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  #15  
Old 03-31-2011, 02:11 PM
bkreader bkreader is offline
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This may seem like an obvious answer, but the best thing to do would be to just ask her about all those things you're worried about. I know how easy it can be to be insecure about things, but by discussing poly it sounds like she wants your relationship to work.
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  #16  
Old 03-31-2011, 02:28 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
Another of those things that shouldn't make a difference but does is that three of my friends are getting married this year (to different people, I mean). It's hard to move against the flow towards a more experimental lifestyle.

.
Why shouldn't this make a difference? This is your reality, your friends and a valid desire to be accepted and fit in. It will be hard for you to socialize with your newlywed friends for sure....don't doubt that. In order to have depth and openess with people we have a terndancy to need to share apsects of our life with them. Who you are in love with and spend time with is an integral part of that...at least for me. That is why I came out to the most impaortnat people in my life. I felt like I was not really with them because I couldn't tell them what I was doing on the weekend without giving a bigger picture or flat out lying to them.

Being accepted and respected by our friends is a very important thing to most people.

Your friends could be immediately accepting...but that would be more rare than the opposite reaction.

I'm not saying you should not pursue this. I'm just telling you you are in for a struggle. Make sure the relationship is worth it for you my friend. This is the tip of the iceberg.

As a side note, when my relationship first started up, one aspect of my New Relationship Energy was that it made me invulnerable to the opinions of others. As time went on and changes occured, aspects of NRE wore off as they usually do. One of those was my invulnerablity. I do care about the opinions of others again.

I've basically distanced myself from much of my old social scene. Now I reside in between two communities; never feeling quite a part of either but enjoying aspects of both.


I love Redpepper and she is worth it. Over two years and I am one lucky and happy guy
Take care
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 03-31-2011 at 02:33 PM.
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  #17  
Old 03-31-2011, 08:45 PM
Myrddin Myrddin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
Coming out as a bisexual after 10 years of closet-cleaning has been the best decision I've ever made, and I would never allow anyone to stuff me back in that musty old thing over being poly or whatever again.
Very healthy attitude.

To clarify: I can imagine myself coming out as gay or bi (if I was gay or bi). I can imagine myself coming out as poly if I was poly. I can't imagine myself coming out as "involuntarily poly".

Quote:
Originally Posted by bkreader
This may seem like an obvious answer, but the best thing to do would be to just ask her about all those things you're worried about. I know how easy it can be to be insecure about things, but by discussing poly it sounds like she wants your relationship to work.
Until I have more solid information to go on, I think I'll give bkreader the last word here. Thanks for your help everyone. I'll let you know how it goes.
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  #18  
Old 03-31-2011, 09:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
I can imagine myself coming out as gay or bi (if I was gay or bi). I can imagine myself coming out as poly if I was poly. I can't imagine myself coming out as "involuntarily poly".
What about seeing it as your partner coming out as poly? If your partner comes out as bisexual, it doesn't make you bisexual, if your partner comes out as poly, it doesn't make you poly. I realise you're in the relationship, but then it comes down to your partner coming out and you saying you support them and love them the way they are.
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