Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 03-31-2011, 05:57 PM
pheonixaise pheonixaise is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Default I believe my brain is breaking.

Ok, so I debated for a long time writing on this forum and seeking help, but I have found myself in a jam I cannot seem to solve on my own.

My name is Dane, and I'm in a somewhat poly relationship. When I met my fiancee, I was single and living a completely monogamous lifestyle. I never had any interest in poly whatsoever, and have a very apathetic view on sex in particular.

My fiancee, however, was very sexual when I met her. She had been in several monogamous relationships, and had been fine in them (mild cheating aside), but reached the conclusion thanks to one man that she was naturally polyamorous. I will not argue this. She is the only person I've ever met who literally feels compersion in almost every situation she is faced with.

She also seems to form connections based on a single positive attribute of a person. She doesn't seem to need more than one good thing, be it physical attractiveness (though she has a very hard time without this) new ways of thinking, emotional receptiveness, or anything else one may take to be a broad positive trait in order to form a connection.

At this point I must add that she seems to thrive on, and is almost addicted to NRE. Who wouldn't be, right? Once mutuality is established, it's like an emotional, sexual, and hormonal rollercoaster that is beyond contestation.

Here is the catch. I love this woman more than anything. I am naturally monogamous. I could spend my whole life with one woman and be very happy, and am not only hesitant to make new connections, but actually have trouble doing so, not only because it is difficult to find the diminishing percentage of women I would be interested in (I.E. 2% of the human population interest me in general, about 50% or so of that 2% are women, and an even smaller, unquantifiable amount are women who would be willing to be poly) but also because I just don't feel the need to connect with anyone else. If I'm with another women, I literally have ALWAYS felt I would rather be doing this (whatever it may be) with my fiancee. If there is a connection I make, I view it as friendship, and feel almost no desire to take it further.

Now, we have a 9 month old child together, and that makes things complicated. For a while, she saw that her thriving on the NRE of others hurt me, and not through completely unfounded jealousy, but through errors in judgment on her part, breeches of established comfort ability and understanding of boundaries. In my mind, there is another point to be made here, that evidence of such situations in every other poly relationship I have ever been privy to has been poisonous to the mental state and mutual enjoyment of the relationship as a whole. Through seeing the former, she decided that it would be best for the both of us if we focused on our relationship, and on our baby.

Added to this was the fact that after she had the baby, her libido (which could strangle three very active men and leave them crying for help. Ever heard the old Irish drinking song "The Widow" Look it up, lol) dropped off the face of the planet, and even 9 months later, still has. I've received several pieces of advice on this, most polarized views, about how us being monogamous may be choking her libido, and a couple saying that the NRE may have just fizzled out, and that a baby will do that.

Now, all of these things taken into account, my natural monogamy, her natural poly, the baby, her libido, the jealousy in whatever way it manifests, and our life as a family, she recently told me that, to her, monogamy was like putting on a mask. She can never really be herself as long as she is thus.

Aside from the shattering connotations of this particular statement, chief among them to a monogamous man being the insecurity of the fact that, after sacrificing all of his freedoms to be with this woman as well, he is not enough for her, there is the fact that after a heated discussion about the subject, in which we were trying to find a way to make it more comfortable and better for both of us, and despite our best efforts (and you're going to have to trust me that I did everything I possibly could to be A. honest about my feelings while being B. emotionally sensitive and supportive of her needs) couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't be difficult for either me or her, she said forget it, lets just be monogamous.

So here is my problem, and what I need help on. How can I A. overcome my jealousy when it is actually founded on empirical evidence, B. believe her when she says that monogamy is the way she sees is best, C. not feel like I'm wearing the same mask if we are poly, D. find poly women who are interesting in a community where nobody wants to openly say they are poly, and E. not let this effect our daughter.

My chief concern, of course is E. I don't actually believe poly is wrong. I fully support gender-equality. I fully support development of different connections. I fully support the honesty that is completely necessary in a poly relationship. But I also fully support the definition of polyamory as it has been widely accepted. "with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." I can't subject my daughter to the emotions I will feel while she is out with another man. Our daughter is very empathetic. When my fiancee is upset, she is upset, when I'm upset, she is also upset. So whenever I feel the jealousy, founded or no, in poly, I cannot and will not let it affect this precious little girl.

Have I simply found myself at an impasse that will destroy our relationship, or is their some reasonable, (And I can't stress this enough) NOT POLARIZED viewpoint or advice that can help me overcome this issue. Know that I am a Stoic. All things in moderation, and therefore I am not prone to the Epicurean viewpoints of "love conquers all," though I am convinced of its power and influence.

Excuse the length of this, I'm mildly freaking out about this :P
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:41 PM.