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  #11  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:30 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm not much older than you (just turned 26) but I've been realising more and more that all these ages I thought people were "grown up" or "more mature" or had that special thing I still lacked... well they don't. I'm growing up and I'm still just as lost having to make decisions than when I was 19 and moved out on my own. It didn't get any easier, sometimes it feels harder because when I was 19 I was at least following some kind of path, and now I'm out all on my own making decisions that are unique to me, and I can't look at any handbooks.

I definitely see the parent thing, although I would think it would be a concern when you're a teenager and dependent on them. Otherwise I would think that with parents who reject who you are, you're probably better off living without them. I am biased, as I have cut ties with my parents a few years ago for specifically these reasons. And I wish I had done it earlier. As good as it seemed to have their back if I needed financial help, a place to stay or medical help (they're doctors), it was actually more of a prison. I wish I had had the strength to affirm myself and stand for myself earlier.

Sometimes, I equate hanging on to your parents with hanging on to a bad relationship. You know the person is bad for you, but that's all you've got! They're abusive, but otherwise you'd be all alone! And if you have kids, well sure that guy is bad for them, but do you really have the right to deprive them of a father?

Well it's similar. If the potential grandparents reject you, if they're not willing to stand by you and support you, then they would NOT be good grandparents for your children, and your kids will be happier without them in their lives. And you might think it sucks for them, but I think it sucks less than going there and seeing your parents disapprove of you in front of them, or hearing comments, or seeing you distressed because you have to lie to them. And if you have kids, you want to set a good example for them, an example of being strong and independent, and willing to be yourself. If they see you sacrifice who you are and cower in front of your parents, what are they going to learn?

My mother's mother died when I was an infant, and I didn't see my other grandmother much, then she died too as I was a teenager. So I don't have grandmothers. I don't miss it. It's not like I have ever known it to begin with. And I think that's what you need to remember, too, you might think of it from the point of view of someone who has grandparents, and trying to see life without them, and having trouble with that. But it's not the same as not having any to begin with. Not to mention, if out of the three of you one set of your parents disown you, you still have two left.

And grandparents aren't always a blood thing. My husband doesn't have any grandparents that are biological, but he "adopted" a grandmother and a grandfather in some figures in his life, and because they chose each other they have a great relationship. If you do have children, you'll probably have plenty of friends they can grow up around, and they'll feel loved. I think you need to wonder "do I want person X to be around my child" basing it on who person X is, and not who they're related to.

Also, it seems a bit silly to base a fear of coming out on people who don't exist yet and might not for years, if ever. If you come out now and your parents take it badly, you still have time to show them you're happy this way, and for them to change their minds before you even have kids. If you come out later, when you do have kids, maybe then there will be a breakup and the kid will lose grandparents they actually knew already and might miss.

But yes, I definitely understand the problems that can come with coming out, and I'm not saying you should do it right now. Just that often, sentences starting with "I can't, because..." are just rationalisations, and the only reason you don't do it is because you're scared, and it won't get any better until it's done.
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  #12  
Old 03-31-2011, 05:33 PM
borghal borghal is offline
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Default one sticky wicket to consider

The only thing I would say, not to be difficult, but as a very monogamous person currently in love with a poly person, is that it is almost impossible for me to consider falling in love with someone else while I am with him--because part of my monogamous nature is that I am not interested in anyone else. I've tried to be, to see if it would make the situation easier for me, but even people I know I'd be interested in if I was single don't appeal.

So, being with you might prevent him from being able to connect with someone who can give him what he wants. This is not meant to be a criticism of you, or to imply that he can't make his own choices, or that your relationship could satisfy his needs long-term...

It's just a truth for many monogamous people that might not occur to poly people, who are naturally able to find other, new people attractive while being in love with someone else.
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  #13  
Old 03-31-2011, 05:55 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I guess it's hard for me to wrap my head around why I would stop loving someone just because I'm not with them, and why I would want to do that in order to meet someone else when I might not end up doing so.

I have noticed that I never stop being in love with anyone I've ever loved, the feeling is always there, and I thought it was falling in love with a new person that "washed that away" for mono people... But are you saying you can stop loving someone, or indeed HAVE to stop loving someone before loving someone else? But how do you stop?
I guess that's the hard part for me. Trying to picture not loving the people I've loved anymore. And it doesn't mean I want a relationship with them - we've both evolved past that point, some of them we never even were at a point when we could have dated - but I can't think about them and not feel it.
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  #14  
Old 03-31-2011, 06:19 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
why I would want to do that in order to meet someone else when I might not end up doing so.
Not saying that anyone should stop loving anyone at this time but...

If a current partner cannot provide the things we need from a relationship than the only way to do that is to compromise our wants/needs or move on.

As a mono, the romantic love of one person may not be completely severed until a romantic connection is formed with another. The remaining "love" is a different love similar to that of friends, siblings or children.

Turning off love is not something I think a healthy person could do...but I do believe a person can reshape the way they love someone and can express love in different and possibly more healthy ways if the situation is not going to provide for our needs or make us unhealthy.


That is my experience and may not apply to any other monos.
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  #15  
Old 03-31-2011, 06:40 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think I understand it better. Actually, that describes my breakup with Raga, too. We needed to go in two different directions and for a variety of reasons that meant breaking up. I still love him and I'm sure he still loves me, but I've said goodbye to a future in which we'd be each other's primaries, because it just can't happen... Just like I've had to accept things wouldn't happen with some people who have rejected me. And while it doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, our relationship dynamics have changed for sure.

So I think I see how it is, that being with someone you love but can't bring you what you need from a relationship, you might want to break up to be yourself instead, even if you end up being alone... And I guess I would do the same if I was with someone who requested me to be mono, even without anyone else in mind, even if I ended up single, I'd rather be single and poly.
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  #16  
Old 03-31-2011, 07:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by younglove View Post
We eventually landed on just continuing and letting things naturally transition when he meets someone he thinks is appealing to date seriously. In the mean time, I told him I don't want guarded, held back feelings. He understood that and is happy to let us both feel these natural feelings of love and happiness while we spend time together. I enjoy this opportunity to spend moments of my life, however long, with him. I think this whole thing is worth it.
Hurrah! This sounds really healthy to me.

As far as the parents and worrying about the future... gosh, I wish there was a way to know sometimes, but you don't. So many people automatically assume, "We could never be accepted if we tell them" or "I don't want to deprive someone of their lifelong dream" whatever. People change. Our wants, desires, and needs change. We may think we must have that spouse, children, and a house with the white picket fence when we're 27 and then life experiences come along and at 37 we're all, "Fuck that!" And parents often do amazing things. I had a friend whose mother was a very traditional, conservative Eastern European, married for 50 years sort of person. My friend came out to her mother when she fell in love with a woman for the first time in her life, an unexpected thing, and was really nervous about it. Her mom shrugged and said, "These things happen" and was more accepting of it than anyone she knew.

That's why, so often, worrying about things that haven't happened yet just does no one any good in the here and now. Take it from me -- a chronic worrier learning to shed myself of that habit! It's not worth it. Having a game plan is great, but worrying is usually detrimental. Oh, but every game plan should have built into it the option to change the game plan at any time!
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-31-2011 at 07:38 PM.
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  #17  
Old 03-31-2011, 08:04 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Just wondering ... How long have you and boyfriend been dating?
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  #18  
Old 03-31-2011, 08:16 PM
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A Mark Twain quote that I try to remember when I start worrying about "what ifs" is this:

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~Mark Twain
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  #19  
Old 03-31-2011, 08:40 PM
Ummagumma Ummagumma is offline
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Thanks for posting younglove. I feel like I am in the exact situation as you are right now. I am 23 and married and I'm deeply in love with both my husband and someone else, and it's been both amazing but also extremely confusing.

Just knowing someone out there is going through something very similar to me is comforting.
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  #20  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:13 AM
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By the time I turned 40 I started looking after my parents, not the other way around. I think that has a large influence on my being able to not give a shit what they think... I also tell them virtually nothing about my life now whereas when I was being taken care of by them in my younger years I felt obliged to let them know. I felt they were my mummy and daddy and that they should know what I am doing. Somewhere along the line that ends in favour of "its none of your business, I am an adult." For me it was when I was about 25. I moved out west, got a girlfriend and I changed some how.

If you are not able or willing to walk away then it is likely not meant to be yet. There is something to be learned here and you haven't finished experiencing being with him. Sounds like just living it until its done is the only way to go.
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