Just LR

[LovingRadiance]

I am happy, sad, hopeful, depressed, more reassured and yet insecure, more confident and yet still afraid...

Maca and I met today for our first "Goal Making Meeting". We drove 2 hours down the driveway, talking. It was a little stilted at first, both of us a little defensive, not wanting to say the wrong thing or whatever.

Once we got to the middle of nowhere we managed to go over our goal lists, added to them, compressed them into more succinct plans. We agreed on 6 specific goals for this week between us. 1 is just his, 2 are just mine and 3 are for both of us to do.

We have agreed to meet each Saturday to discuss how we are doing, figure out what needs to be done the next week and ensure that our current actions are moving us towards our long term goals.

This is a big first for us. Up until now most of our marriage has run on "auto-pilot" and our auto-pilot guy sucks.

He took our little girl tonight, they had to leave too soon-I mean, it's 9 at night, but it felt like we didn't get but a few seconds together (it's not true, but that's how it felt). He's bringing her back tomorrow. We'll see each other when he brings her home, then.... another week.

I miss him so much.
His smell, the way the sun shines in his hair, his beautiful blue eyes.
The way he gives me his arm whenever we walk, the way he matches his steps to mine.
The way his mustache tickles my face when we kiss. His tongue caresses my lips and mouth....
The way his hand feels when our fingers are entwined.

I should simply appreciate the moments we shared today, they were good AND
they were productive. That means that we have a real chance to have a future, because we're actually working on it.

But damn it waiting sucks. I love him. I already KNOW I love him, I want to feel him in my arms, not fall asleep thinking of him alone in town while I'm here.

We shared a rough moment. I've moved our daughter and her baby into our room. Because-he's not here, why do I need a 330 square foot room? I don't. I won't stay with GG all of the time, I put some of my stuff in the laundry room and some in my personal bathroom. But, I don't need the space as much as she does with the little guy.

We're only part way through moving her stuff in there, and there is still a closet full of stuff that belongs to Maca and I in there. He and I were looking for something and stood there for a minute. We didn't say a word, but I'm sure he was feeling the same things I was. Regret, longing, disappointment, loss. It hurts.

We agreed to log a positive experience each day in a diary and in a different diary something that we could have done better or need to work on each day.
We also agreed to do 3 "The Work" worksheets a each this week. (www.thework.com)The goal being to work through some of the anger, resentment, jealousies etc that are destroying our relationship from the inside out.
We also have some personal goals (I'm going to try to finish 2 chapters of math and start my French) to work on this week.
When we meet Saturday next week, we'll check in on what we did or didn't accomplish, set new goals for the next week and talk about what we learned, need, want, etc.

It was a good day, but the ending of the day made it feel very.... bittersweet.

[redpepper]

Keep at it LR, hopefully you will both get to the bottom of the work this time around and make a change for a life time... always here for you if you need me.

[LovingRadiance]

Today I finished up section 1.3 of my math. That's 3 sections of chapter 1 (roughly 30 pages) knocked out. Whew-so far with an A.

I also finished moving SpicyPea's things to the larger room downstairs.

GG tore out the carpet from her room upstairs so that we can re-do the flooring in there.

Maca helped move my large dresser (with mirror) upstairs while he was here (dropping off SourPea).

Mimi is cooking dinner, the boys (SweetPea & SaltyPea) helped get things moved around and cleaned up so that the house is still livable.

AND

I got the laundry all finished too.

Overall a very productive day.

It was also very emotional, but I'm focusing on the accomplishments for now.

[LovingRadiance]

I woke up at 1:30am alone. That was disconerting and sad.

Earlier in the day Spicy Pea and I took SourtPea and PPea to see Maca for dinner in town. It was a long drive, but she needed out of the house and he was lonely, Sourpea wanted her daddy and so off we went.
Maca enjoyed holding PPea and getting caught up with him-it's amazing all the little things hat change in just a couple days at this age.

Sourpea was thrilled to see daddy. She told him "I want to come take care of you and you take care of me at your work house! He was moved nearly to tears I think. He just replied "I love you too baby".

We snuggled at dinner together and made plans for the weekend. We have a date to go dancing Friday night, followed by me spending the night at his place. Then we do our "work" on goals and stuff Saturday morning. Then GG is bringing the kids in to town at noon. Spicy Pea and Ppea are going to see their grandparents, GG is goign to a movie with Sweet Pea, Salty Pea and Sourpea are going to hang with daddy and I'm going to go have tea with a friend.

Then at 4 or so we're hooking back up to have a family dinner. Salty adn Sweetpea are staying with Maca in town for the night-Sourpea may stay as well-that's still up in the air. GG, Spicy, Ppea and I will be heading home. Then I have plans with Spicy to walk down to a nearby dance class at 7, check it out, see what the prices are etc. We're considering joining after she returns from her trip to Oklahoma to see the baby's daddy.

Going to be a BUSY weekend.

Tomorrow is pretty busy too. I gotta find a comforter for one of Spicy's friends. She's here helping with the baby. The three of them moved into my old room (it's 330 square feet) They got wo beds, cradle, couch, tv etc set up so it's like a little studio apartment. But, She's using Maca' and I's special comfroter and that's not goign to work out. .So I'm gogni to find a special one just for her in her favorite color.
Have to take some billing paperwork to SpicyPea's medical people for insurnace stuff.
Gotta take Salty Pea in to order his new glasses.
Gotta knock out the next section in my math and go over the French lesson again....
Gotta finish up the paperswork Maca and I agreed to get done this week.
Helpd Sweet Pea with school.
Try to get a walk in witih SourPea and maybe do arms or abs or both workout...
Did I mention trying to clear out the popcorn ceiling in the bedroom upstairs? It's all demo'd, but we have to finish it up before we can move stuff into it. So that's one whole bedroom (second biggest in the house) sitting empty while all of our shit is in the rest of the house waiting.
My dresser is in the dining room... I realized that last night when GG returned to work just as I was returning to bed. Because my freaking vibrators are in the dresser! INCONVENIENT.
Ok, back to bed at 2am.

[LovingRadiance]

I finished chapter 1 of my math this week.

I had a date night with Maca Friday. We got a lot of talking done. We ironed out goals to work on (for improving ourselves and for improving our relationship) for this next week. We addressed a few issues that crop up between us regarding communication and laid out methods for improving them.

We also went through the house and discussed which "fixer up" things were going to be dealt with first, second, third etc.
We cleaned out 2 more bags of "stuff" to go to the trash and got a few bags of donation stuff ready-together.

Then Maca took the kids Saturday night to his place for the night. They had a BLAST!

He brought them home today, he and I talked over some aspects of the family dynamic, how/when we were going to start adding the steps for improving that into our goal lists.

Overall-another productive weekend. We both worked our butts off on our goals for last week and were very happy with our own progress and reassured by each others efforts as well.

[nycindie]

Wow, LR! Maybe you two work better together with a little distance. Perhaps dual homes is the next step in your relationship - hey, you never know! I've met people for whom that really works well.

Just glad to hear that things are moving forward for both of you.

[MrFarFromRight]

Hi LR!
Glad to see things are getting better between you and Maca. Have the nightmares stopped?

I've worked out that SpicyPea is the new mother. Is PPea the new arrival? Is that to be taken phonetically and describing one of the manufactured products? If not, and the baby hasn't got a name yet (or if PPea proves embarrassing later), might I suggest SnowPea? Given your location and the date of birth... (Or is that a British term?)

Have you noticed that I've grown up? (Read this.)

Still dancing...

[MonoVCPHG]

Nothing but smiles for you Pretty Lady Glad you guys are still working at it.

[sage]

Isn't snowpea a neat name? I hope you post again soon LR I'm really enjoying your posts here. It calms me. I haven't got any poly issues at the moment but I suppose a bit like you I'm in expansion mode. You're studying - I'm writing for a living and my brain feels a bit like an out-of-shape body being put through bootcamp. I can't even post on polypeople at the moment (although my little e-book is being put in a US university digital poly section and someone has asked me to speak at some sort of poly conference next year). I'm struggling to keep up with my other blog lifebeyondstuff, even though that's had it's best week ever in terms of traffic.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all this ramble is that I know things must be full-on for you right now, and maybe it's hard for you to post as well but right now this is my favourite blog and with the nature of my work I follow a lot!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by sage

I'm struggling to keep up with my other blog lifebeyondstuff, !

I just looked at your blog...you seriously need to touch base with Redpepper's husband. Two peas in a pod!