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  #91  
Old 03-30-2011, 05:28 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Hey, dinged! Good to see you, hope you're doing ok.

Jen, it's all going to be ok. Beo has a genuine love for you, and you for him. This is a roller coaster ride, but I think you two are going hang on and make it, I really do.

I said earlier today on another thread that polyamory is not for wimps (or something like that!) and I really believe that's true. There are love warriors here! And you two are strong of heart. (Even dinged hearts stick it out on here )
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  #92  
Old 03-30-2011, 10:48 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Thanks all.. things seem to be a little smoother today so far. J is coming for dinner, so I guess we'll see how hubby is when he gets home tonight.

Magdlyn, I have read Sex at Dawn, and The Ethical Slut, and I just started Opening Up. Hubby read the first 55 pages of Sex at Dawn, and then switched to The Ethical Slut because I thought it was a bit more relevant, and I could summarize Sex At Dawn for him. He will probably go back and read it, but it's kind of a tough read so I thought the Ethical Slut was a bit more pertinent for now and he would get through it quicker. I found them to be great at explaining things to me, but I'm not the one that needs it the most.. though it did get me thinking about some things and changing what I think I really want out of this.

Dinged, I'm not opposed to him finding additional partners, but at this point, that isn't something that he wants or feels comfortable with at this point. A lot of it is his lack of self confidence, which is probably what makes poly so hard to begin with (his words, not mine).

I don't know that I would say he's not the center of my universe. He's the most important to me, the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. Is it enough? No, I guess not as much as that pains me to say it.. I do feel more complete with Poly. As I said, I was never unhappy before, but I do feel like something that was missing.. is there now.. or was for a while.

Carma, one way or another we will. I don't know in what way we will make it, but we will. I know that much.. because he's not getting rid of me, no way. Or I'll kick him in the shin.
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  #93  
Old 03-30-2011, 10:53 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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It's going to sound bad saying it, but the damage is done, and we can't go back to the way it was.... So we just have to move forward. I think the main reason that things were good in the beginning, is because things didn't seem as complicated, I was enjoying the NRE, and the sex was good. That was covering up a lot of my hurt. It was still there, I just think I was brushing it aside. Now it's punching me in the face.
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  #94  
Old 03-30-2011, 10:54 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Why does it have to be complicated?
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  #95  
Old 03-30-2011, 11:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
I promised I would never hurt him, and I have. To see him hurting, and struggling kills me.
You know in your heart of hearts that you did not behave in a way that was meant to hurt him.

You didn't hurt your husband. He is feeling hurt. Big difference.

We are all responsible for our own feelings. He could have any number of emotional responses to you and what's been happening. His feeling hurt is more directly related to how he was programmed at an early age to handle certain types of stressors. You have seen the rollercoaster ride of feelings he's been experiencing -- are you going to give him props for the happy pleasant ones but take the blame for the shitty ones? They are his feelings and he owns them, chooses them, deals with them or keeps them around. You did not cause them. You are just being you and as loving as you can be.

Beodude, I commend you for keeping at it and facing what's going on with you. It seems that your feelings of loss and inadequacy are your own and what needs to be dealt with if you want to find happiness.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #96  
Old 03-31-2011, 12:56 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Phew! What an oddyssey.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think maybe y'all *should* slow things down. Maybe it'd be better to keep things more casual with J, who seems confused about what he wants anyway (Jen, you said at one point that he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who gets confused... well, everyone gets confused, it sounds to me more like he just doesn't know how to show it!), while you and Beo make sure you still have a strong foundation. After all, you won't have much love to give J or anyone else if your heart is completely rent in two because your relationship with Beo has gotten damaged, yeah?

Two months is a very, very short amount of time. If you know for sure that you're committed to your marriage above everything else, then you've got to keep that strong. I truly believe you'll have more love to give if your primary love-relationship (in this case your marriage) is on the strongest footing possible. Maybe couple's counseling with a poly-friendly counselor who will be fair to you both and could help Beo get to the root of his fears?

Also, to Beo -- I would recommend waiting until you're absolutely, positively sure you're in a better place before you consider watching Jen have sex with J or any other man. I don't mean to scare you, but this letter to the Savage Love advice column made a big impression on me: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/S...ve?oid=7198946

I wish you guys all the best. It's clear that you're both working so hard. Like I said above, I really think that slowing down would be the best thing when running forward has brought you to such difficult places. It sounds like you may already be doing just that, with what you said about going back to basics.

Jen, I really relate to your fears when it comes to knowing things could end at any moment. You're a strong person to choose to give your love freely despite your fear.
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  #97  
Old 03-31-2011, 03:36 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Why does it have to be complicated?
I just read your blog and was surprized to see you are in Louisiana!! What part, if you don't mind my asking!!

I just wanted to give some feedback, based on what I have experienced.

All of the honesty and making sure everything is discussed is very important. And- what can happen is that the discussions themselves begin to create a mood change and can become addictive. What can result is that discussions and analyzing the relatioship(s) can be overdone. Then, there is more talk about the relationship(s) then there is actual relationship(s). In fact, it's crazy to realize there isn't even a relationship there yet because it hasn't been able to develop yet.

There comes a point where discussions can be suspended and it's time to actually live it.

Best of thoughts to all of you!!!
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  #98  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:03 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Cyndie, yeah, you are right, but easier said than done. Thank you for all of your responses. You always have such great insight to what's going on and I appreciate that!

Annabel, yes, we have taken a huge step back and gone back to basics. Drew has okay-ed snuggling and kissing. So far that hasn't really happened. J did come over tonight for dinner and we watched a cheesy for TV thriller flick and it was a very comfortable visit. We took turns giving shoulder rubs and head scratches and when he left he shared a couple of quick kisses, but nothing extravagant. I was okay with that and content. We have a lot to work back from on all of our parts. Drew texted me and told me I should give J a big kiss, but I wasn't really comfortable with that, because J told me before he's still trying to sort some things out himself... so I'm letting him take the lead as long as all boundaries that Drew and I have set are maintained. So far, so good.. and even slower, which I think is better.

I have looked into a marriage counselor that I believe will be open to poly, and I intend on giving her a call tomorrow to see if our insurance will cover it and how we can go about getting an appointment. Our marriage itself I feel is very strong, we both are very adamant that we don't want to live our lives without each other. We need help working through how to make this work for both of us with our very different backgrounds and histories.

Idealist, we are in the Shreveport/Bossier City area. I also think you are correct, and exactly what I meant about why does it have to be complicated? I feel like we're beating a dead horse half the time because all of this discussion about something that isn't really even happening. He said he was tired of talking about it every day, so I didn't mention it for a day and a half and that ended in last nights big cry session..
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  #99  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:32 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Well... good-ish stuff going on I guess? [...] Everything with [J] is always plural "I've missed you guys too", and "how have you guys been?". I don't feel like I am an individual to him, and that he wants to be a part of us, but I don't feel like he wants me, and that's difficult. I should reiterate that I DO want him to be a part of our family regardless, but as far as "my person" I don't know if it will be enough for me. Still seeing where things go... it's not like I'm looking for anybody else or have any other prospects, so what have I got to lose, right?
Hey Jen! (first a hug) Don't you know when you're lucky?! J is Beo's friend and he knows that Beo is going through a hard time. Would you rather that he [J] were so strung out on NRE for/with you that he didn't care a jot for Beo's feelings - and didn't include him in his love? Could you really love someone like that? Sounds like both of you [Beo and you] have struck gold with this guy. As always, I'm wishing you

All the best!
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  #100  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:47 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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[continued]
Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
I don't feel like I am an individual to him, and that he wants to be a part of us, but I don't feel like he wants me, and that's difficult.
I wouldn't worry about him not seeing you as an individual if I were you. Once you and Beo are on firmer ground, once Beo's feeling positive about the whole thing, that'll be the time for him to pay you individual attention.

You've got a husband who - despite his painful jealousy - sends a friend (his "rival") around to cheer you up when you're feeling blue. (And makes sure that the friend has chocolate on him before he sends him off!) And you've got a friend who doesn't want to hurt his friend - your husband - for the sake of some hot sex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Well... good-ish stuff going on I guess?
You guess right, Lady!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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