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  #11  
Old 03-30-2011, 06:40 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by koifish View Post
They all say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding.
May I ask, who is "they all".... You were talking about your parents, how many parents are we talking about here?

( do'nt get me wrong, I have 4+inlaws, I'm just trying to keep it all straight, not be sarcastic or obnoxious)

You COULD have a smaller ceremony if that is what you want.

It's this simple:

THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL DAY.
Stop your mind for a few minutes (meditate if that helps).

Now, picture in your mind what you would like for that day
(without considering the current drama)
...


...


...



Create it.

The current drama does NOT warrant changing something this important to you. Your personal desires (with fiance) should be the deciding factor of how the wedding is handled.

EVERY bride has a drama before the wedding-I swear. (check out the msn message boards, you can read pages and pages of other people's dramas over their weddings) because EVERYONE wants to put their own spin on the expectations.

BUT-it's not EVERYONE's wedding, it's yours and his. Period. End of topic. As a significant other your girlfriend may have a sayso (I don't know the specifics of your dynamic); but no one else does-unless YOU CHOOSE TO LET THEM.
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  #12  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
[*]proceed with the wedding as planned[*]tell my parents (and any other concerned parties) that nothing has changed except what they know about my/our love life, remind them that, as an adult, I think and choose and act for myself (as does my fiance) and that as much as I want them present to celebrate my wedding, I would understand if they choose to not participate or be present[*]prepare to do the same with anyone else concerned (or else get out in front of the avalanche by outting my tribe at a time and place of our choosing)[*]keep my ears and eyes open for the identity of the person who has chosen to stir the stink at our expense. When s/he reveals him/herself, I would express my genuine opinion of his/her actions in this matter (in clear and specific terms, if you know what I mean), then promptly expel the troublemaker from my life.[/LIST]
Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
My only real change here would be to the underlined part-I'd change to say this...

sex
(Because the truth is that their issue isn't with the fact that you love someone in addition to your fiance. It's that you are "in love" with and/or sexually involved with someone in addition to your fiance.)

I would add at the end of that sentence:

choose to be present if you are unable to behave in a respectful and loving manner.


The truth is that this isn't a day for "showing off". It's a day to commemmorate and acknowledge your commitment to one of your beloved's. IF they don't wish to witness it, that's their business, but if they choose to witness it, they need to behave with respect and dignity.


As for the "out to everyone" or not... I can't much help with that. That's such a personal decision. I know for me, I don't handle surprises well (good or bad).

Honest and truly:

So I'd (with signficant other) probably just make an announcement to everyone invited along these lines:

"Due to the recent drama over the fact that WE LR Smith & Maca Doe, love other people as well as each other;
it's come to our attention that apparently some people are unable or unwilling to do the same.
Therefore we feel compelled to most sincerely apologize for our serious neglect in considering the emotional and psychological limitations of our invitees before choosing our guest list to our upcoming commitment ceremony and celebration of love!
We'd both like to assure every person on our guest list that this oversight was completely unintentional and we intend to rectify it immediately!
We completely understand now, that while it has been natural to both of us since birth, when we learned to love both our mother and our father; to love many people; that is not true for everyone.

It is our desire to show due respect to every one of our invitees. In an attempt to correct our inadvertant misstep that may have trod on a few toes and to acknowledge our now deeper understanding about the following:

A) Our guests' personal right to love as they deem appropriate
AND
B) Our guests' needs to participate only in activities with which they feel safe and comfortable
AND
C) Our desire to ease any sense of obligation we may have created with our invitations
D) Any confusion we may have caused by not previously acknowledging our profound giftedness at loving not only each other but many others in our lives

We would like to reassure each of you that lack of attendence on your part will in no way negatively impact the joy and celebration of our day. We gratefully appreciate each of you taking the time to consider our invitation. We continue to look forward to sharing the day with all of you who do choose to attend. For those who are unable to attend for any reason, we look forward to sharing enjoyable camaraderie at a future date.

Sincerely,

LR Smith & Maca Doe



I suppose most people on the board would find the whole idea of doing something like that shocking. But, I know myself too well, that'd be my ticked off, eyebrow raised, "ok fine lets play" response to the b.s. you are suffering at the moment.
In fact, if it were me, I just might give up something else so I could pay to print it on special cardstock matching my original invites. Then I'd mail one to each person who got an invitation.


However, I'm not dumb enough to think that the world at large could handle the potential "WTF" questions that might follow.

Look to your heart Dear, find what will make you most happy and do it. Then, let go of that which you can't control-which is anyone else's thoughts or behaviors; and enjoy that wedding!
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  #13  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:14 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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Both my fiance and I work for my father is generally a jerk, controlling, high handed, difficult to work for. He accused me of not being committed to the business said that I was the worst employee he had and that he would have fired me if I were not his daughter. I do work that few or no other people can at the business. He says similar things to my fiance. That was already stressing me out.

Then last week he decided that our wedding was a train wreck and that he needed to take control from us so it would turn out well. We resisted and he accused me of not caring about him and mocking me about my supposed need to win and basically infantilizing me and then saying that I had burnt bridges with him.

So, we had finally reached a place of separation and autonomy in our personal lives, and then someone goes and tells on us and the "adults" talk amongst themselves and call us to a meeting where they tell us they disapprove and no longer have enthusiasm for our wedding.

Oh god. The worst timing.

I care very much for our third and so does my fiance.

Right now I do not want to have to tell his parents. They are lovely and sweet and very religious and right now I love his dad more than my dad and they love me. I'm so afraid that the mystery busy body will tell them. I don't want to have our wedding destroyed, honestly. The three of us are getting along well in the last 2-3 weeks, but historically our relationship has been fraught with either she or I having serious freakouts and my very talented fiance holding it together. She almost broke up with us again 3 weeks ago and my fiance put things back together. But I was ready to let her amicably break up with us. She has the same issues come up over and over and they are legitimate and probably not fixable except in the very long term. She wants to be on completely equal standing with us right now, and always has, so the wedding sort of constantly upsets her. We were engaged 9 months before we met her.

When it's good with us, it's good. But that has been well under half the time.

I'm very afraid of random malicious busy bodies destroying my livelihood or my relationships in the future by springing this information on people. Because "they should know" or "they have a right to know". Telling my 80 something grandparents or something.

I don't know if I am cut out for this. You may have read my other posts about being sick and polyamorous. This much stress is literally making me ill. I don't sleep. I barely eat. I've lost too much weight. I'm too thin.

ps. I do consider it a betrayal of me and my fiance for my parents to conceal the busy body's identity. We will be seeing this person at the wedding or other places and we don't know who they are.
  #14  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:25 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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The people at the meeting were my mother, stepmother and father, btw.
  #15  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:31 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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Also,we were going to do a quaker style ceremony with a moment of silence followed by a few minutes during which people can stand up and say something or read something. Hopefully nice things.

This seems like a bad idea now. It figured prominently on our invites, unfortunately.
  #16  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:32 PM
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Honey, it sounds to me like you could really benefit from some classes, therapy, reading about how to live your life for yourself and not for everyone else.

All of these things, right wrong or otherwise, are part of life. Dealing with assholes is part of life.

That's not to say you have to continue to deal with the same assholes day in and day out-but that no matter where you go, there will be an asshole. It's just life.

The key to having a sane, healthy, happy life isn't to try and avoid assholes;

It's to learn to be sane, healthy and happy regardless of how many assholes are around.

You need to learn to let go of the issues which are out of your control (changing how others think or act), take control of the issues which you can take control of (like finding a job that doesn't include working for someone who treats you like shit) and how to figure out which sort of issue you are dealing with!

You might consider reading the Serenity Prayer as a mantra until it starts to sink in.
Or
Ask yourself each time you get upset about something-"is this something I can change or not" if the answer is yes, change it, if it's no, then let it go.

The book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie would be a good place to start.
www.thework.com

Another one is "Living Happily Ever After" by Marsha Sinetar.
www.marshasinetar.com

Good luck!
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  #17  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
The people at the meeting were my mother, stepmother and father, btw.
Did they each have take issue with your situation?
You work for your father?
Wedding is at your mothers home?
May I ask your age(s)?


Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Also,we were going to do a quaker style ceremony with a moment of silence followed by a few minutes during which people can stand up and say something or read something. Hopefully nice things.

This seems like a bad idea now. It figured prominently on our invites, unfortunately.
I think it's a beautiful idea-I'd do it anyway. I'd simply have the person whose opening it for comments to emphasize that all comments are to be positive, loving, friendly and supportive. That would be easy to word in a way that was encouraging and didn't come across as a "warning" per se-but it would also serve as a "reminder" to people that their negative two cents wasn't being requested...
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  #18  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Two words start to come to mind:

City and Hall.

Get married. Live your life. Be well.

If this means moving to a neighboring town and becoming financially/emotionally independent, so be it. Easier said than done, I realize, but there you have it.

Your "family" is a bunch of creepy control freaks. I know you love them because they are the only family you have, but it is obvious to me that your father is holding your and your husband's livelihood hostage for a variety of reasons known only to him and possibly yourself, which have nothing to do with your other partner. Sorry, but you HAVE to grow up sometime. You are being treated like an adolescent child and not being given the respect an independent adult has earned by definition. Is your family paying for the wedding? I'd "thanks-but" that one. Seriously. Someone has already said it - this is YOUR LIFE, YOUR WEDDING, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, and at some point, you will have to start doing what makes YOU happy or you will have a miserable life trying to make everyone else happy and not succeeding.

I know it makes me seem like a jerk, but I am kind of relieved that most of my immediate family is dead or just not in my life because I don't have to think about this bullshit.
  #19  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:42 PM
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I know it makes me seem like a jerk, but I am kind of relieved that most of my immediate family is dead or just not in my life because I don't have to think about this bullshit.
Adore my younger brother, younger stepbrother, younger foster sister.
Absolutely adore my father in law.
Can get along with my mom and my stepdad is no problemo.
Can get along with my brother in law no problem.
Can get along with GG's mother sisters bil and sil (one gay sister).

The rest of my family? Blech, don't need the drama.
The rest of Maca's family? Blech, don't need the drama.
The rest of GG's family? Blech, don't need the drama.

You CAN in fact create a family of people who are worth being around and there is something healthy to be said for people who despite being raised in dysfunctional and fucked up families, manage to escape them and move on to greener pastures.
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  #20  
Old 03-30-2011, 07:49 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Oh hun, I am so sorry.

We got married in November, and the thought of that happening ... UGH. Sickening.

Good advice here. It is YOUR (you and fiancÚ's) day. You are celebrating the love you have for each other and your commitment - AS YOU SEE IT.

Here's a post from shortly after the wedding from my blog. It may be useful, particularly having a back story for your gf, if needed. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...1&postcount=61
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