Originally Posted by JenAgain
I just wish I knew what to do when you were feeling the anxiety. I get flooded with guilt and it makes me want to stop everything and "go back" to the way it was. At the same time the thought of that doesn't feel right either, and I immediately feel a sense of loss at the idea of it.
All I think I can do is listen, and keep telling you how much I love you, and that none of this is because I feel you are inadequate in any way, shape or form. I wish there was an easier answer.
Hi Jenagain, I'm right in there with Beodude and would like to share an experience with you that may or may not help. I'm so new to this and the board, I'm not sure I should even be offering advice, but I am and I hope it helps.
T feels as you do when I get fearful and angry, and like you she does exactly what you discussed above. Here is what her actions do for me at that time. First it gets me out of the dark place I go to when I'm like that. Ts quiet reassuring tone and loving behavior get me back to seeing this for what it is, and not what I am afraid of. She keeps at it until she gets through my thick skull and ego driven reaction. Much of what I'm feeling at this time Jen has nothing to do with T being poly but is old hurts and pain coming up. This journey into poly has acted as a conduit...doorway for old undealt with emotional pain to rear it's head. I cannot speak for Beodude but much of my jealousy and fear have nothing to do with T getting a BF. I have been able to deal and look at this only because T acted just as you did and do. Love expressed and reassurances offered at these highly charged times helped me focus on how much I love T and how much she loves me. It's been awesome.
I have a lifetime of old fears and hurts all trying to attach themselves to this experience and am learning to tell them they don't belong in this conversation/ experience of poly. Takes time, but Ts patient, loving demeanor and refusal to give up on me has made a world of difference.
Originally Posted by Beodude123
I'm not quite sure what to tell you on that one.. I think it's just something I have to work through on my own. The contact does seem to help though.
I actually had a pretty positive thing happen last night. Jen was having a pretty rough time with a lot of things last night when I got to work. I tried to do as much as I could before I left, but I can't erase stress -_-. While I was at work, when J was headed out the door, I pulled him to the side. I asked if he could head over and hang out with Jen for a bit. He said sure. I asked if he had chocolate, and he looked in his bag, and he did! So he headed over there.
It was nice to be able to count on him, and help Jen out. It's the first positive thing that's happened (poly wise) in a couple weeks. Hopefully this will be a good start to something that can be healthy again.
You're a good and decent man Beodude.
Originally Posted by Beodude123
Well, in my infinite wisdom, I wanted to tell somebody about Jen being poly. I figured it would help me to get more comfortable with her newfound life. I told one guy that I'm pretty close to. At first he didn't get it, but when I asked him if he knew any single girls for me to date... He finally understood. Haha
It wasn't my best idea. He pretty much reiterated all of my things, and sort of validated them, as silly as that sounds. So yeah, it kinda sucks. Great idea, right? Not so much.
I shared my story with 2 people. The first guy was one of my closest friends, he fed my fears, told me my marriage was over and that Poly was unnatural. He spun me up to where I starting to breakdown, and we were in a food court at a mall! He then got up, said he had to go and that was the last time I heard from him. Some friend.
The second guy also a good friend, said although he didn't really get it, he supported T and I and anything he could do to help, he would. He's been a real friend and I'm fortunate to have him. But I did learn from this that few people in our society as it exists today understand what you and I along with Jen and T are doing and experiencing. So I'm glad this board and through it, you, are here for me.
I may post some of this in my thread so that I have a record of my thoughts on this.
My best to you and jenagain, may we all find that which we're looking for.
P.S. You and I seem to be on parallel paths here beo and I thank you for taking the time to let me know i wasn't alone.