A life alien to your own (Our Blog)

[TeamD79]

Well-- looks like for the time being we are back to just us.
It seems she DOES care about me too much to do the alone thing.
So while I am happy that she feels that way, I feel guilt that I could not deal well with it in time.
And I am afraid I have lost all hope of maintaining a friendship with her.

UUUGGGHHH I am so ready to stop feeling bad. Am I paying 10 fold for the heaven we had? I just want that happiness again. For both or even just one of us- I could deal in time. I just want everyone to be happy.

[magikman79]

I still cant believe we lost, & im still dying inside.

I wonder if she even realizes what she threw away today...

I don't see her growing up enough to fight for what she wants before it's too late.

But every time I try to do ANYTHING with her now, she will say yes, then not show up, or have an excuse why she can't or won't..

Today was the last day I could take of it, it just hurts too much each time...

[SNeacail]

Hugs to you both!

[magikman79]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Hugs to you both!

Thank you, at least people here understand us. It's nice to know our life isn't as alien as we thought it was.

[magikman79]

heather sent her a letter today I had to share...

Hi Sweetie.
If it is ok I would like to talk. I owe it to you to tell you the truth and not hide anything, and all i ask is that you listen. No more than that, ok? I will not push you into anything- I am not looking to change your mind or bring you back. As a friend, I just want to talk. That's all.

First let me start by saying that i DO miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss my friend. But you know that already. You were a good friend to me. And you still are. And I do and always will consider you part of our family, and I take care of my family. That will never change. And I CAN love you as a friend, and as family. And I believe that you can understand that because I know you care for me. Lets keep in mind here that there are many kinds of love. Perhaps when I said I love you, That is what I meant. I love LOTS of people. And when I say I love you it can mean many different things. I never meant to scare you away when i said that to you.

I have been doing A LOT of soul searching in the last week and I would like you to know and understand WHY I changed my mind about alone time, if that is ok. Just so you understand. I am not going to try and change your mind or push you into anything you do not want to do.

It is in my nature to FIX people.

I was grieving for the loss of what you brought to our lives, and yes. I was sad when it was over. For the most part I keep sadness to myself and deal with it on my own.
My sadness ended and changed into "fix" mode when I knew kris was feeling the same sadness I was. We held each other and I did everything I could to try and fix the problem on my own. I can not STAND seeing him sad or unhappy in ANY way.
I became desperate to make his hurt go away, and even though you and I had not been talking, I know you are sad and hurt over all this as well. And while it is NOT the same as the love I have for Kris- the love I have for you is stronger than I have for most friends, and the need I felt to fix YOU was almost as strong as the need to fix kris.
So I re-evaluated myself. I re-evaluated the situation.
In all honesty, I really do not mind if you guys have alone time. I never REALLY did. What scared me most was that I would push myself out completely of both of your lives by allowing that.
But I know better. I know you both love me just as much as I love you, and that even if alone time was allowed- YOU guys would never allow me to be pushed out. And I was silly to ever doubt that.
That being said I COULD never allow that to happen with anyone else. I trust the both of you. I trust that you both care about and love me, and That is what I was afraid of loosing.
Once I realized I would not be loosing anything, I was ok. I realize it more and more with each day. And alone time for you guys seems more like a beautiful thing for the two people I care so much for rather than a death sentence now.
I EVEN, even though I doubt that either of you would allow it to happen, would understand, and I have said this before, but I do not think anyone really HEARS me- Love can change and there are MANY ways to love someone, and I would step away if the love between you to ever got to that point... I would give you guys my blessing, and I would stay in your lives and I would be ok. I know you do not want that to happen- I know He does not want that to happen, But it happens sometimes.
AND I also know that I am awesome enough that I would not be alone for long. I DO have a lot to offer, and if I have offered all I can in this relationship, it simply means I have done my job and fulfilled the purpose that God put me here to complete. How could I have a problem with that?
Love is a blessing. All the many variations of it. And I am very very loved, and I am lucky. Too lucky to be selfish with it.

Sooooooooo-- If you are only holding back because you are worried you will hurt me, know that can not happen. The dynamic of the triangle can change and still be beautiful.

As long as I still have my friend through all of this I will be ok... And THAT is the truth. THAT is why I changed my mind, and whether it changes anything or not, I wanted to let you know.
Every thing will be ok, sweetie. And I want to say thankyou for caring me and loving me in your way.


So stop being a stranger and txt me sometime, ok? And do not run away from Kris, please. Even he would rather be friends than nothing else and while it wil take him time, I will help him, if that is the way you would prefer it. But it hurts him that you guys can not talk anymore. I can understand that. Do not make it harder for him by pushing away completely, please. What we all had was far far to beautiful to let it end badly. If it has to end- let's do it right.

[nycindie]

Truthfully, there's something in your posts that I can't quite put my finger on, which make me a bit squeamish.

Originally Posted by magikman79

I wonder if she even realizes what she threw away today...

I don't see her growing up enough to fight for what she wants before it's too late.

But every time I try to do ANYTHING with her now, she will say yes, then not show up, or have an excuse why she can't or won't..

Maybe she's acquiescing to your requests and then backing out of it because perhaps you're coming across like you're guilt-tripping her? And isn't it a bit... hmm, arrogant or disrespectful in a way, for lack of better words, sorry... to assume that she doesn't realize what she is walking away from just because she is walking away? Perhaps she knows full well and is making the choice anyway.

To me, it sounds like she has given her actions much thought and from a mature perspective:

Originally Posted by TeamD79

[B]. . . She was so attentive to my feelings. She never did anything without making sure I was 100% ok with it first. We would make jokes that we were going to run away together just me and her. . . . Obviously at this point our view of her as being a fun new toy had changed into one of pure love and adoration. We were willing to give her our lives.

Then rather suddenly after a few months of heaven something changed. . . . She did tell me then she was having feelings for him and she was just trying to deal with jealousy of her own . . . She loved me enough to not want these feelings that were arising in her for him. . . . She assured me that she was NOT here to take him away from me and she had no intention of ever allowing that to happen. . . . She cared enough about me to step out of the picture in the end. . . . She was not Bi. She was young.

It seems she was being very considerate when she chose to leave the relationship. I know you all had feelings of love for each other, but the sentence I bolded above stood out for me, and when I read your posts, I just get the sense that there is still an element somewhere in you of losing a toy or possession. She is standing up for yourself and you two seem rather offended as well as hurt.

If I were you two, I'd leave her alone for a while. That big long letter was a bit much, IMHO. And I am someone who has written letters like that and realized that they tend to be overkill, or rub salt in the wound, or add drama to a situation. Be with your feelings of loss, examine them, and give yourselves some time before jumping into something with a third again. You don't need to "replace" her right away.

I hope you don't mind my honest feedback. I am offering it in the spirit of helpfulness.

[lotheriel79]

I see what you mean, and I will speak for myself:

See when we started this it really was- FOR ALL OF US- nothing more than sex. A fun threesome, and I myself (seeing as I was SOOOOO MONO) HAD to think of her as nothing more than a toy to make myself ok with it. I did not know her at all before we started this, so I was easily able to view her as some stranger coming in just for sex, because to me that is all she was.

Then that did change. I started to hang out with her and we developed a friendship, and above all else that is what I miss the most. We became each others shoulders to cry on and I want to say there were, with the bond that we created between her and I things we could share with each other that we felt we could not tell anyone else.

When I mourn for her, I mourn for the friendship, not the sex.
And that is what makes the best relationships, after all- being able to be a friend to your lover. I tend to think that had we started as friends INSTEAD of lovers this would have ended quite differently- at least on better terms where we may still continue to talk.

Well, it was our first go at it, and we learned a lot and I do not regret any of it. My main hope at this point is that SHE not regret any of it either because there was something magic there.

And in any future ventures into a unicorn search WILL start differently, and you are right- The view I had of her in the start was very very wrong, and I am very disappointed in myself that I ever allowed myself to view anyone in that manner. I never had before, and I swear to every God everywhere I will never ever allow myself to think of another person so shallowly again.

[magikman79]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Truthfully, there's something in your posts that I can't quite put my finger on, which make me a bit squeamish.


Maybe she's acquiescing to your requests and then backing out of it because perhaps you're coming across like you're guilt-tripping her? And isn't it a bit... hmm, arrogant or disrespectful in a way, for lack of better words, sorry... to assume that she doesn't realize what she is walking away from just because she is walking away? Perhaps she knows full well and is making the choice anyway.

To me, it sounds like she has given her actions much thought and from a mature perspective:



It seems she was being very considerate when she chose to leave the relationship. I know you all had feelings of love for each other, but the sentence I bolded above stood out for me, and when I read your posts, I just get the sense that there is still an element somewhere in you of losing a toy or possession. She is standing up for yourself and you two seem rather offended as well as hurt.

If I were you two, I'd leave her alone for a while. That big long letter was a bit much, IMHO. And I am someone who has written letters like that and realized that they tend to be overkill, or rub salt in the wound, or add drama to a situation. Be with your feelings of loss, examine them, and give yourselves some time before jumping into something with a third again. You don't need to "replace" her right away.

I hope you don't mind my honest feedback. I am offering it in the spirit of helpfulness.

I agree, & I know Im fucked up & not thinking right now, & I dont mind the honest feedback at all.
So I am leaving her alone, still being friends, I just keep what I think to myself now because I know im not thinking rationally.

& Im not really offended at all, more surprised than anything else. But She DID care enough to move away & Everyone cared enough to not cause a scene.

I also agree with Heather, its the relationship I miss, not the sex.

But Thank you nycindie for your thoughts, I will think on them more for sure.

[lotheriel79]

Originally Posted by nycindie

If I were you two, I'd leave her alone for a while. That big long letter was a bit much, IMHO. And I am someone who has written letters like that and realized that they tend to be overkill, or rub salt in the wound, or add drama to a situation. Be with your feelings of loss, examine them, and give yourselves some time before jumping into something with a third again. You don't need to "replace" her right away.

I agree, and I have been ok with stepping back. I thought we should have given her space after we had our group talk that ended it, and new that over time I could still have a friendship with her and it would not have been odd.

Then I saw how badly kris was handling it, and I started to wonder... All she had asked for was alone time with him, and I had been selfish, and afraid to allow that. I KNEW it would cut me out of something I wanted to share with her too. I had not really thought out my response on that issue and been able to weigh all options before I answered to that. Then after it was all said and done, I was able to clear my mind, get over the feelings and fear i was having, and make myself ok with all possibilities that could come of the choice to say yes. Then i told kris, and I felt like she needed to hear it from me with explanations as to WHY I would say ok now after I was so dead set on NO WAY. She was owed an explanation, so she could make her choice herself.

And I HAVE been able to talk with her some after all this mess, Nothing about the letter, but I know she read it. She has also read our blog. It all involves her as well, so she has the right to know it all.

I cant help thinking we should have done what we said we would do and let her go when she was ready.
We have to let her go.
I CAN let her go, because I love her. Just like I CAN let him go if I ever was asked to.

[lotheriel79]

Originally Posted by magikman79

I agree, & I know Im fucked up & not thinking right now, & I dont mind the honest feedback at all.
So I am leaving her alone, still being friends, I just keep what I think to myself now because I know im not thinking rationally.

I also agree with Heather, its the relationship I miss, not the sex.

Do NOT keep your feelings to yourself. That is what I am here for and everyone else here too... We can help you sort out those thoughts.

Love can mess up a persons rational mind quite a bit, and that is NOT a bad thing!!!