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  #11  
Old 09-21-2009, 04:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moose View Post
we do have one particular friend i would love to bring into our relationship but i don't know how to approach my wife.
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
The introduction of a baby will tend to strain even the best of relationships due to less time for each other and certainly a lot less physical intimacy.

I would strongly recommend putting your own needs on hold for a while in this area. Seriously, suck it up and let your family settle in.
Excellent advice from Mono, which is true whether you're interested in "exploring poly" or not. I have noticed that the best advice is not only timely, but versatile.

Having said that, warning bells and fanfare always go off for me when I hear of someone in a hitherto monogamous couple (or "closed dyad" if you prefer) speak of "bringing someone else into our relationship" or "finding a third to complete us". Language is a very precise and subtle thing and is as much a part of our social/cultural conditioning as monogamism or aversion to cannibalism. When trying to frame things in "polyamorous" context, it speaks volumes about what's going on in someone's subconscious when they say they want to "ADD someone to OUR relationship", rather than saying "My partner and I would like to PURSUE or EXPLORE a relationship WITH this other person."

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-21-2009 at 04:26 PM.
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  #12  
Old 09-21-2009, 04:44 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
When trying to frame things in "polyamorous" context, it speaks volumes about what's going on in someone's subconscious when they say they want to "ADD someone to OUR relationship", rather than saying "My partner and I would like to PURSUE or EXPLORE a relationship WITH this other person."
THIS THIS THIS! Such terminology makes that third person seem like a tool or accessory to the couple and it's extremely unappealing to most prospective partners, because it's not implying partnership at all.
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  #13  
Old 09-22-2009, 04:33 AM
sea sea is offline
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Be it a couple or single person approaching someone for the first time, it is person and situation specific. While one may respond to innuendos another may respond to a blunt 'wanna fuck?' To say that this first approach is implying partnership is rather premature, a first date is still a first date! It is a starting point and up to each individual person to express their needs and wants as well as what will or will not work for them. Lots of discussion in the start may save a load of hurt and heartache later.

Moose, it's fantastic that you say you have already had a 3-4 hour open discussion! Keep it up, open honest talk is a great thing!
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  #14  
Old 09-22-2009, 10:39 AM
Tia Tia is offline
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I agree 110% with Mono also... if you WANT this to fail, and your wife to reject the idea, sure.. go ahead an broach the subject when she is feeling tired, flabby, over-emotional, her nipples are raw from learning to have a baby feed off them...

If you want her to really be open to the idea, wait until it's a better time.. imo.
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  #15  
Old 09-22-2009, 12:17 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Moose-WAIT!

Your wife just had a baby. Your first baby. Now is not the time. She is going to need you to support her physically and emotionally for awhile while the dust settles.

I've already had a poly V relationship and I am currently in my eighth month of pregnancy. I miss having a female partner around as I was the one who was at the center of the V. But...my husband brought up going to poly events, seeking out a female partner, and even exploring some of the swinger clubs as soon as the baby was born. Even half considering it, I started crying. I honestly just can't imagine all that while adapting to a second child! And I felt like my husband wanted me to have a second relationship to take some of the pressure of support off of him. Pregnant women/new mothers are not rational. And now is not the time to bring up YOUR needs. My husband wants me to find a second relationship and it upset me enough. If HE wanted another woman in the near future I think I'd kill him for even suggesting it. And, as I said, we've ALREADY accepted our relationship as poly.
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  #16  
Old 09-22-2009, 08:43 PM
moose moose is offline
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I do agree with some of your points that this is a touchy time period for her, but i don't see where i would be less supportive for her. I dont' want just a g/f for me or a b/f for her, i want someone for us together (i guess the term is triad). On the other topic of this coming off to sound selfish about my needs my rebutial is that my theory on life for any single person is that if you are not happy and don't put yourself first how are you help or satisfy others in your life? Also, last night it just so happened that the MTV true life "i'm in a polyamory relationship" aired agian and we watched it together. She was quit and didn't say too much which i expected, but at the same time usually if she doesn't like something or is disgusted by something she will turn it off or speak up. For now i'm just going to give her time and let her think about it, i think she needs time to grasp the concept or principal behind it. I also found some get clips on youtube i'm going to show her. keep the feedback coming!!
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  #17  
Old 09-22-2009, 09:00 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Here's the point Moose. Bringing someone into your relationship under the guise that she would be for you and for her is probably not being honest with yourself. She is a new mother with all the physical and emotional stresses that are the norm and very overwhelming at times. This is an immense change with immense responsibility for both of you.

The baby is first for now, not you, not her. Because of her physical, emotional place as well as the sheer lack of time you will both experience if you're parenting is balanced, there is probably little benefit to this accept possibly to you.

Yes it is important to take care of yourself, but it is also important to know when being a supportive husband and father take precedent over your own needs.

I'm a dad too, I've been through all the new dad stuff.

Take care
Mono
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  #18  
Old 09-22-2009, 09:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Moose, I don't understand why you're in such a rush to find someone else. You have a new baby. If this is a happy thing (as it should be), you should still be enjoying the NRE of having a new family member. Having kids means you are supposed to put THEM first, which sometimes means putting YOUR stuff on the back burner for a while. You have your whole life ahead of you to watch your child grow up and to pursue your other involvements. Don't miss the forest for the trees.

To me it sounds like you're asking the members of this forum to give you "permission" to keep pressuring your wife about this. The answers folks are giving you are obviously not the ones you seem to have been looking for. If you want to get "permission" from MTV and YouTube, that's your prerogative.

I recommend that you read the threads here about "being poly with kids".

This is the general one:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=487



This is the one that focuses on legal and custody issues but it might have links or tangents that are useful:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655

ETA: It might not be such a terrible idea to have your wife read this forum to learn about poly instead of watching the Frat Boy Network I mean MTV.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-22-2009 at 10:02 PM.
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  #19  
Old 09-22-2009, 11:35 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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I am not a parent myself, so I can't come from that angle, and I'm sure you are all coming from a good place there, but did you hear what Moose said? He just recently identified his own feelings, already talked to her, and they had a good conversation.

I do agree that now might not be the right time to act on those feelings, but I never got anywhere by protecting someone from my feelings, so that's where I'm coming from.

I think that Moose respects his wife enough to tell her what he is thinking, and did so- with a positive outcome from what's been written.

Sure, Moose you're going to be really busy adjusting to life with your new child, and these are all good thoughts I'm sure you will take under advisement, but I respect the fact that you didn't patronize your wife by waiting to tell her and all along hiding something that is happening in your mind and needs to be addressed.

Communication should not be put on hold for pregnancy, childbirth, or anything else.
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  #20  
Old 09-22-2009, 11:59 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Sorry Rarechild...I can't agree with this. It's almost unfathomable in the timing from a parents perspective. I could be wrong but his focus has got to be on adjusting to this already huge change his wife and him are undergoing.

Babies change everything, shift priorities and deserve focussed parenting. I cannot stress the need to not be selfish in his impatience. Sometimes you have to put others ahead of yourself. A father and mother should be prepared for that before they bring a child into thier life. Balance gets restored and then you can shift focus, but this is way to soon in my opinion.
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