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  #51  
Old 09-21-2009, 12:34 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It might be ok if you just said "I love Mono the same way I love your father, but it doesn't affect the way I love you. I love you the MOST."

My mother always told me that, and she was seeing a married man for 14 years (it was an "affair" his wife "knew" about, but it wasn't "poly").

But some mothers get all up into explaining how "There are different kinds of love, etc. etc." Kids that age, or any age really, don't need to process all that. They just need to feel secure that their world isn't going to come crashing down around them. Just tell your son that whatever happens, you (and his father) love HIM the MOST. It's probably true anyway.
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  #52  
Old 09-21-2009, 02:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Thanks ygirl! That is a very good point. I think I will tell him just that.

He knows I love him most as I say it all the time but I have never said it in the context of mono. Great idea!
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  #53  
Old 09-21-2009, 02:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks ygirl! That is a very good point. I think I will tell him just that.

He knows I love him most as I say it all the time but I have never said it in the context of mono. Great idea!

My mother would be glad that this advice was useful to someone, since I'm not having kids myself.
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  #54  
Old 09-21-2009, 03:32 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadine View Post
Anyway, I'm just concerned mostly about children in a poly family. With the social stigmas I'm really feeling like this is something I need to hide from my kids and family but I don't want to.
Anyone been there, have any stories or advice, or whatever?
My daughter was 11 when her mother and I began dating again. She had already been told that my wife and I are poly, though I'm not certain she fully understood. When I began dating her mother while still married, though, I doubt she could mistake the meaning. She never asked for any details; she just knew that I was married to her step-mom and dating her mother at the same time.

My son hasn't ever had any trouble with relationships of any sort. My ex-wife's family provided him with a gay uncle and a lesbian aunt (and their partners) and I've discussed my relationships with him on occasion. He's 20 now, though his disabilities mean he's very much 12 in so many ways.

I suspect teenagers would have more problems with poly than younger children.
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  #55  
Old 10-09-2009, 12:01 PM
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Funk2Lopez Funk2Lopez is offline
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Default Children and Polyamory

My husband and I are actively trying to have a child. Our girlfriend is older than both of us and has an 18 year old son. When we talk about us having a baby she has very definate opinions about how a child should be raised and cared for. It's beginning to make me worried that she'll try to take a much more active role in the rearing of the child than I'm comfortable with. I mentioned my fears to my husband but probably not at the best time as we were both tired and about to go to sleep. So he probably doesn't remember the conversation. I plan to take a Child Developement class at the local community college soon to be a good well informed parent. I guess I'm just concerned she'll make me feel like I know nothing and should do everything her way. Sometimes I feel like we are both trying to be first wife instead of equal partners.
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  #56  
Old 10-09-2009, 01:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You all need to accept that YOU ARE the "first wife". it is what it is. There was a conversation about this in another thread. About not forcing "equality". If you are trying so hard to "be equal" there is obvious something that just "is" NOT EQUAL, and rather than fighting it, you's should be exploring it. If you deny the UN-EQUALNESS now, you might never end up at a place where you "are equal".

having said that - if you have a kid with your husband, you will not only be "first wife" but you will be "parents". You and he will have a whole new level of relationship between you, in essence a "triad" with the new baby. Why should this GF be able to dictate to you how you raise your own kid? Why can't you put your foot down when it comes to that?

Are you sure you want these things in your life? Or are you going along with some or all of it to keep your husband happy?

I can't even bring myself to say much more because I can't find words to describe it, and who am I to tell you what to do with yourself. All I know is, I would not bring an innocent person (a baby) who has no say in matters, into a situation with so many loose ends.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-09-2009 at 01:24 PM.
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  #57  
Old 10-09-2009, 01:36 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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There's a great thread on here about children and polyamory, but not one that specifically addresses what you're asking.

I have one child with my husband and another on the way. We had a gf who was a friend of the family for years (before we had the first child) whom I actually found very helpful and enlightening in her perspectives. But, while she was engaged in his life, and happy to offer advice, and he loved her dearly, she did NOT overstep her bounds and essentially tell us how to raise him. She took on an "aunt" role to him rather than third parent and it was a role we were ALL comfortable with. Should we ever form another poly relationship, I'd want to be with someone involved with the children as my family IS my life and inviting someone into my life and love means inviting them into my family.

It's really up to you and your husband to decide how much influence she should have in this situation. It's also up to her to decide how comfortable she is with your ultimate decision. Will she be a second mother, with all the adult privileges and responsibilities that go with? Will she take on a role of "aunt" or other loving and nurturing adult, but be expected to abide by the parenting standards you set down? Do you value her experience as a mother and have interest in her views, but maintain a "take it or leave it" approach? Is she expected to butt out completely when it comes to your child?

If you're bringing a baby into this world, and this lifestyle, these are things that need to be discussed between ALL of you BEFORE that baby is born. You also need to understand that, at least for awhile, this is going to create plenty of INEQUALITY as you redefine boundaries and needs and she may have different expectations about the raising of this child than you do. Your husband may even have different expectations. Even in mono couples parents often have at least a few strong opinions that differ on how children should be raised. These require communication and negotiation and compromise as it is, without throwing more opinions into the pot.

If you feel you have an equal relationship and want to keep it that way (in all areas except for the raising of the child) then you need to have a discussion between the three of you about your fears, hopes, desires, and expectations. You may find she's happy to step aside in this case. You may find your husband does or does not share your fears. Or she may not be able to handle the new unequal feel of the dynamic with you two being parents while she is not involved in that aspect. The point is, anything can happen. But, without first knowing everyone's feelings on it, all you can do is worry and guess. It isn't fair to bring a child into a relationship (of any dynamic) without being prepared for handling the needs of that child. Good luck.
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  #58  
Old 10-09-2009, 02:15 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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It is right and good for people to have definite opinions about all kinds of things, including the rearing of children, and to freely express themselves, especially with the people they love. It is also right and good for people to respect the rights and boundaries of others, especially others they love.

Approaching the situation with love and respect for all concerned, discuss your worries with your loves. Know what your boundaries are, and express them. Ask for what you need. Give them a chance to love, respect and support you in this area of your lives. You may find they are each glad for the opportunity.
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  #59  
Old 10-09-2009, 10:09 PM
Winterfire Winterfire is offline
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From the way you're talking, it's sounding to me like the relationship you have with your girlfriend is a lot more casual? If the relationship with her is not at a level where it would be considered a life partnership, then I wouldn't think she should have that much say in how you raise your child.

You really should have a conversation about your relationship and how you're feeling. You mention being equal partners, maybe she's feeling like having a baby is something you are all doing together, rather than how you're feeling about it that it's something you and your husband exclusively are doing?
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  #60  
Old 10-10-2009, 01:21 AM
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Funk2Lopez Funk2Lopez is offline
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Thank you all for your advice and opinions. I was very tired when I wrote that and I know I left out a lot that might clarify things. I also phrazed things a bit weird that made sense to my sleep deprived mind but probably not much to anyone who read it without the other facts. Mostly I think I was just airing some fears about bringing a baby into this world, and how and who would be raising it. I was really wondering if anyone had had any good or bad experiences with being poly and having children. Thank you
XYZ123 for sharing your story.

Also eventhough we are trying, I might not ever be able to conceive and that is a whole other issue that I don't feel strong enough to face right now.
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