Don't really know what I'm doing...

[redpepper]

I'm wondering if this woman is ready for marriage to this guy. By her actions with you and at the bar later, it sounds to me like she agreed because this guy flew across the world to ask her and she was caught up in the romance of it all and/or felt obliged to say yes... it doesn't sound like she is ready for that kind of commitment and has some oats to sow still first. Maybe that is why fiance said to go do whatever as she has promised herself to him later? I dunno.... there is something kind of controlling in that or something. Something in this situation is not sitting right with me. Don't know what it is.

[TravelGuy25]

I've talked with her about it again and she has stressed that it I shouldn't worry, it is her decision and if she screws up her yet-to-be marriage it will be because of her actions.

I still have this remorse every time she leaves. I know that the smart thing would be to end it right now but I just can't bring myself to. It is just full blown cheating.

He doesn't know.

[TruckerPete]

So you know damn well what you're doing now. The question is, what are YOU going to do about it?

[FlameKat]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

So you know damn well what you're doing now. The question is, what are YOU going to do about it?

This.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by TravelGuy25

I've talked with her about it again and she has stressed that it I shouldn't worry, it is her decision and if she screws up her yet-to-be marriage it will be because of her actions.

I still have this remorse every time she leaves. I know that the smart thing would be to end it right now but I just can't bring myself to. It is just full blown cheating.

He doesn't know.

I've cut this out of another thread because it directly relates to the damage you are doing to yourself...I've been there and know what I am talking about. The message is within this comment...it's not meant to be personal but it does hold truth. The original thread deals with a woman who is knowingly cheating with a married man who's wife has asked her to step back. Just because a partner might know about the affair deosn't make it anything more than an cheating if all partners can't find health within the dynamic or give consent. In your case this other man..a person with a heart just like yours doesn't know yet.

"Talk about looking after number one....sorry, I obviously find the bonds of marriage way more sacred than this woman or any other person that would behave this way. I was cheating with a married woman and I will likely always carry that burden with me...I hurt another person to get what "I needed".....bullshit, I was selfish and not thinking about anything beyond my own childish desires....to get whatever I want in whatever way I could. I'd like to go back in time and kick the shit out of myself for the damage I did. I guess each of us as individuals need to grow up the hard way sometimes. Perhaps when this woman gets a taste of her own bullshit medicine she'll have a better appreciation of how it feels to be betrayed. Sorry to rant but after what I have seen I want to shake the shit out of anyone who thinks thier "needs" are more important than any other persons. If people were truly coming from a place of "giving more is getting more" then they would actually be giving more and not taking for themselves at the expence of another human being's happiness. I live in a world where I am responsible for the happiness of others and if that requires sacrifice within reason than so be it.

This woman is a taker IMO. Maybe she should go out and find something for herself that does not erode the happiness of another. "


Find the strength to get out before it gets worse. If she will do this to her fiance she will do this to anyone. She doesn't love her fiance...she disrespects him.

Take care
Mono

[TravelGuy25]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I've cut this out of another thread because it directly relates to the damage you are doing to yourself...I've been there and know what I am talking about. The message is within this comment...it's not meant to be personal but it does hold truth. The original thread deals with a woman who is knowingly cheating with a married man who's wife has asked her to step back. Just because a partner might know about the affair deosn't make it anything more than an cheating if all partners can't find health within the dynamic or give consent. In your case this other man..a person with a heart just like yours doesn't know yet.

"Talk about looking after number one....sorry, I obviously find the bonds of marriage way more sacred than this woman or any other person that would behave this way. I was cheating with a married woman and I will likely always carry that burden with me...I hurt another person to get what "I needed".....bullshit, I was selfish and not thinking about anything beyond my own childish desires....to get whatever I want in whatever way I could. I'd like to go back in time and kick the shit out of myself for the damage I did. I guess each of us as individuals need to grow up the hard way sometimes. Perhaps when this woman gets a taste of her own bullshit medicine she'll have a better appreciation of how it feels to be betrayed. Sorry to rant but after what I have seen I want to shake the shit out of anyone who thinks thier "needs" are more important than any other persons. If people were truly coming from a place of "giving more is getting more" then they would actually be giving more and not taking for themselves at the expence of another human being's happiness. I live in a world where I am responsible for the happiness of others and if that requires sacrifice within reason than so be it.

This woman is a taker IMO. Maybe she should go out and find something for herself that does not erode the happiness of another. "


Find the strength to get out before it gets worse. If she will do this to her fiance she will do this to anyone. She doesn't love her fiance...she disrespects him.

Take care
Mono

Thank you for taking the time to find that. Appreciate it.

I understand what you are saying. I think I will be ending this soon but I would like to continue this discussion just a little further.

If the goal in a relationship such as this is to receive sex for both parties and as you have stated, if she isn't going to cheat with me she is going to cheat with someone, is it that wrong to be the guy in the middle? I know that sounds horrible, but is it so wrong to think selfishly in the fact that I am her outlet of the things the she may or may not think is right?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by TravelGuy25

If the goal in a relationship such as this is to receive sex for both parties and as you have stated, if she isn't going to cheat with me she is going to cheat with someone, is it that wrong to be the guy in the middle? I know that sounds horrible, but is it so wrong to think selfishly in the fact that I am her outlet of the things the she may or may not think is right?

I'm glad to discuss this further and also happy you didn't take offence


The first part of this is accepting that your actions are actually hurting another human being. Shitty behaviour is likely to continue by this woman if what you are saying is true; she will find someone else to have sex with.

If I was going to rob a bank and asked you to be my getaway driver would you do it even though you knew it was wrong simply because someone else was going to do it and get a cut anyway? Or would you still look at the fact that those bank employees (who don't own the money I am stealing) are still going to be traumatized and hurt by my shitty behaviour?

Would your conscience and sense of self worth not be more intact if you walked away from that temporary gain and did not take on the responsibility of hurting people indirectly?

What she is offering is temporary sex. That's it....sex with the potential to explode in your face (not in a good way). Remember, this woman is untrustworthy...if you are just looking to get off I can understand how you could use her body to help with that but it sounds like you have real emotions for her. Even if she wasn't engaged would you trust a person who has this type of outlook?


Why not find some one who can provide you with the physical side of relationships who is actually capable of having a healthy one? You deserve better..just as her fiance does.

Treat others the way you want to be treated....would you want some one fucking your fiance behind your back?

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Treat others the way you want to be treated....would you want some one fucking your fiance behind your back?

Exactly what I was thinking. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to someone else.

[meinsb]

My wife and I are new to the concept of poly. She is mono and I am recently identifying as poly. If the fiance is mono and this girl is poly it still seems there needs to be good communication between her and her fiance. At least I am not doing anything I feel my wife is uncomfortable about.

What is she saying is the result of everything with respect to her fiance?

[BlackUnicorn]

I feel bad for you, or that's not quite right. I feel compassion.

Whatever the outcome of this situation is, what struck me about your original post is this:

Originally Posted by TravelGuy25

I think she told me this in order to get the conversation going in this direction but I still hold reservations.

She is throwing signal after signal after me but I don't want to bite.

That day we talk, via text, and it comes out she desperately wanted me to make a move.

She goes back and forth from telling me I make her feel like she is 15 again and she is nervous every time she sees me complete with butterflies and word fumbling to re assuring that its just sexual.

She went out drinking last night and it seemed as if she was trying to gauge my jealousy of another guy hitting on her at the bar. I am a little jealous but I've never been the jealous type so I don't really bite. It seems to bother her but she brushes it off quick and I get the feeling the goes back and forth between states of feelings beyond sexual towards me and the hard ass, more mature girl looking for sex.

One thing she is not, my friend, is mature. There is nothing mature about her behavior. She is demonstrating the exact opposite behavior to maturity; manipulation. She is in fact so afraid of taking responsibility over her own life and actions that she has to resort to constantly pushing other people to behave in the way she would like them to.

What would a mature person have done in this situation?
Communicate openly about her needs and wants with EVERYONE involved.

The harm has already been done; she has established a dishonest, manipulative and irresponsible pattern of communication in this relationship and after initial resentment, you have allowed yourself to be swept of your feet and are now actively supporting and enabling that behavior. You are not helping her become the best person she can be, but are allowing her to function at her lowest and basest level. This is not love, this is giving up.

That being said, I think there is a way out of it, but that way involves both of you fessing up to what you have done, accepting the repercussions, and especially for you to stop enabling her cheating. If you love her, you will not allow her to hurt herself and others in this manner.

As to your question of does being the man in the middle make you as guilty as she is, a quote from a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh came immediately to my mind. I'll paraphrase the idea if not the exact words on what he has to say on ethical sexuality;

"I accept my responsibility for the correct use of the gift of sexuality. I promise to conduct myself sexually in a manner that is nonviolent, generous, honest and free from addictions."

Lots of love.