A Mono walking the POLY journey

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

Um wow. Ok so number one stop her giving you comparisons. It's not healthy for either of you...it's just hurtful. I don't think this will end well if it keeps up because now you're in direct competition by HER doing and in her eyes. If she loved you and cared about your feelings she wouldn't have done the comparison, at least vocally to begin with...

^this. There's a difference between honesty and saying things that you know will be hurtful. There are always ways to say things that show comapssion. Even if she had said something about liking doing XY and Z with the OG it would have been less hurtful than to say to you that she enjoyed sex with him more. Sex with different people is just different, not better or worse, just newer and more comfortable.

[nycindie]

Hi Cap'n,
What I find interesting in your posts is that you say you are committed to completely being honest with each other... and yet:

Originally Posted by CaptainKIDD23

I dread a divorce, and fear (at times) not being enough for my wife. I struggle with Jealousy and fear of abandonment and loss. The idea of any open marriage, sometimes even hearing that my wife desires another man on occassion triggers intense emotions of rage, jealousy, insecurity and fears of abandonment. I rarely act on it or discuss these feelings with her, because I do not want to become a burden to her.

Maybe she would have been a bit more careful in telling you how she felt if you had really expressed to her the depth of your fears, rage, and jealousy. Just sayin'.

[redpepper]

Just to echo a bit here. It's in the way things are said that is the key. Radical honesty is so important... I am a strong advocate for that, BUT, that doesn't mean that purpose and compassion go out the window. What was her purpose in sharing that your cock is smaller etc? If she has has known you for that long, would she not then know that it is probably not a good idea to give some details that could hurt your sense of worth and confidence?

Okay, don't get me wrong. I am not a saint in this department. I tell it like it is and have been told several times... well more than that, that details are not necessary in situations like yours. Mono for one has been very hurt by my telling him details of my sex life with the tersiary I have. He didn't want to know and I was so not catching that until he said so. Perhaps this is what happened here. We all have a learning curve on these things I think.

I hope that you will consider what else I said and get that therapist of yours to concentrate on YOUR issues rather than convincing you to get a girlfriend to even up the scare. It's a common idea, but really not advisable.

[CaptainKIDD23]

@Redpepper, Thanks for the response. I am seeing two therapists right now, one is connected to my DBT group (borderline). I discuss with him personal issues, and ways this poly thing is triggering my fears of abandonment and other apsects of my BPD. My wife and I also see a marriage therapist (who identifies as poly-friendly), and rarely if ever do I go too deep into my past or into my issues with marriage therapist. But obviously they come up, just not as much as in my DBT group... I think my marriage counselor suggested the girl friend angle, after I said that I am not sure if I am wired MONO or do I feel MONO because of insecurity, jealousy and abandonment issues. One is about what comes natural, the other is about what I am not considering due to fear... BUT I agree with 100% btw, one of the reasons I have not jumped into dating other women si because I am not fully aware of my motives. Am I merely trying to be an "even-handed-poly", meaning if she gets another relationship, so do I, and I won't feel good until the relationship balance is even? If thats the case, then cleary my motives are unhealthy.. Until I sort this out, I refuse to pursue another woman in a relationship... Thank you so much for your input.. You seem to offer a lot of wisdom and insight. Thank you!

[CaptainKIDD23]

UPDATE:

I just wanted to share an experience that happened this Saturday morning, that has moved us deeper into a poly relationship.

My 3 children were at my brothers place for the weekend, so my wife and I made plans to get out of town for the weekend.. Drive into the country, get a decent hotel room and order room service, go dancing etc. That type of thing.

I picked her up at OG's at around 9 AM Saturday morning. OG met me at the door and invited me in for breakfast.. At first it felt uncomfortable, but I decided to push through the discomfort. It wasn't long until I was completely at ease. While my wife was in the shower, OG prepared breakfast and we talked.. Mainly sports.. But OG also came across as an expert in my line of work (immigration law). Much of the conversaton, even after my wife joined us for breakfast was about my career. He seemed well informed. My wife latter told me that OG takes a real interest in people, and one time she mentioned to him what I did for a job, and next time she saw him he had been reading about it.. I admit, maybe this is self centred for me to say, but this helped me to warm up to him.

Near the end of breakfast, in a very natural way , the conversation turned to my wife and OG's relationship. It wasn't forced or insensitive, just natural feeling. It was the first time we all actually discussed it together. It felt comfortable.. OG repeated a few times, that he and my wife want to go at a pace that I am comfortable with.. This comforted me... They then explained to me about whrre they were at with everything.

According to them, about 3 weeks ago they had "fluid bonded" (I don''t really know what that means). They had fluid bonded both orally and in the traditional way (vaginal/penetratiive).. They said that this was a very intense experience for them both, and since this started my wife had been wanting to talk to me about adding OG into our life in a deeper way.

My wife and I already agreed that until my youngest child (8 years old) has moved out, we will not disrupt the living arrangements by moving out of our house or moving someone in. OG understands this, and seems fine with it. My wife says that since fluid bonding with OG, she is starting think of him as not just a boyfriend or a secondary, but as a life partner who she is every bit as committed to as she is with me. Because of this, she feels that if OG were connected to the family that it would aid in normalizing their relationshp, both in my mind, in the minds of our children and every one else in our lives.

We agreed that an initial first step would be to have OG over every other Wednesday during family night at our place. This Wednesday OG is coming over for the night, where we will be ordering in pizza, eating popcorn and watching Tangled together.. OG even suggested that he bring the Pizza, as if that might help the children to indentify with him as one of the group... The purpose of this night is NOT be another date for my wife and OG, but rather as a bonding experience for my family and OG... I feel comfortable with this.. I am not prepared to have him over EVERY family night, but every other family night would be infrequent enough for me to feel comfortable, but frequent enough to help my wife and OG's relationship become more normalized in the minds of my children... Does this make sense?

There is one more thing I wanted to discuss about Saturday morning. I think I had my first moment of compersion, but as I am at work and this post is getting long, I shall post about this latter today.. Thank you.

[TruckerPete]

Wait, back up ... they fluid-bonded without your consent??

[CaptainKIDD23]

@TruckerPete, Yes they did... But I'm not sure whether this is relevant or not. Mainly because from the start of this relationship with OG, I've wanted to take a comfortable middle ground between micro-managing their relationship on one hand, and throwing the door wide open with no discussion for boundaries. Our only "rule" when it came to sex was that OG be STD free (which he is) and that there should be a policy of full disclosure and radical honesty if asked for... We never discussed the specifics of sexual acts such as fluid bonding. To be honest it bothers me no more or no less than any random thought of my wife having sex with another man. By that I mean, I already knew they were having sex and that was enough to create some jealousy and discomfort me. Merely asserting that they fluid bonded does not add to my discomfort... The fact they she feels as committed to OG as she does to me does bother me very much however. It scares the shit out of me actually.

While the fluid bonding itself does not bother me, the fact that she fluid bonded orally does... Since our first child, my wife has refused to perform oral on me. The reason being is that some how anything beyond missionary and a few "vanilla" positions, seems to make her feel anxious and uncomfortable, as if blow jobs and kinky sex violate the "purity" of marriage and her being a mother. She can't be "slutty" for me (her words). She says it is easier for her to explore that with OG because sex with him doesn't bring up a tension between something "pure" and something "vulgar". That bothers me, that she is exploring a side of her sexuality that I am excluded from as her husband, because of her upbringing sex is thought of as bad, and marriage is good, so to mix them seems wrong.. More comfortable for her to live in sexual black&white thinking... Does ths make sense? This has been eating away at me all day..

[Penny]

My earlier cock-size comments were not terribly helpful, I recognize, but there's something about the dynamic between you and your wife which sets me on edge and makes me feel instinctively hostile toward her and defensive toward you.

My gut tells me you are being mistreated and taken advantage of, rather than cherished.

I hope that my voicing this opinion does not cause more harm than good, but her behavior has been neither respectful nor kind, and it strikes me that you are being used.

I should say more and be more specific, but, as a woman who has the honor of having both a husband and a boyfriend, seeing someone else abuse that position makes me unreasonably angry. I know you are trying to accept the situation, but I am not liking what I'm hearing here and it sounds like you are being walked all over. If someone treated my husband like that, I'd scratch their eyes out.

[Penny]

Never discussed the specifics of sex... except for when she tells you that you are inadequate, that she does things with this guy she's unwilling to do with you, that his dick is bigger and he's better in bed...



I am not going to say any more at this point because I know it won't be helpful, and it will just make you feel the need to defend her.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by CaptainKIDD23

While the fluid bonding itself does not bother me, the fact that she fluid bonded orally does... Since our first child, my wife has refused to perform oral on me. The reason being is that some how anything beyond missionary and a few "vanilla" positions, seems to make her feel anxious and uncomfortable, as if blow jobs and kinky sex violate the "purity" of marriage and her being a mother. She can't be "slutty" for me (her words). She says it is easier for her to explore that with OG because sex with him doesn't bring up a tension between something "pure" and something "vulgar". That bothers me, that she is exploring a side of her sexuality that I am excluded from as her husband, because of her upbringing sex is thought of as bad, and marriage is good, so to mix them seems wrong.. More comfortable for her to live in sexual black&white thinking... Does ths make sense? This has been eating away at me all day..

I think this is something that needs to be addressed and you should make a concerted effort to correct. The upbringing excuse is bullshit, if she was so tied to her upbringing, there wouldn't be a boyfriend in the picture. That there's a mental block of somekind I have no doubt. I too find it difficult to try and ask for new things with my husband, just because we have such a long history and if it's not something he has asked for I get self concious about what he will think of me or worry that he won't like it or be willing. On the other hand, I have no trouble doing anything new he asks for. There are a few things I know he likes, but I have only done it once or twice and am therefore not confident in my ability so I just don't do it and he doesn't ask for it (probably for the same reason). Another reason why she shouldn't be sharing such detailed information of her sex life with OG.