Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #141  
Old 03-26-2011, 02:34 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 83
Default

If you're relatively young you can still get away with the "she/he is my room mate" , at least from my experiences. In this economy people seem to more easily accept the fact you need to get someone in to help pay the rent/mortgage.

We have a large family get together for me and the 1st gf later this year. Still not sure what we'll be calling the second gf by that stage. Some know, but most don't. Ah well, we don't _need_ any of them in our lives if that's what they want, so it doesn't really matter in the end. People that are still dependent on their parents/family (whether financially, emotionally, etc) probably have the hardest time of anyone coming out. All that fear.
Reply With Quote
  #142  
Old 03-27-2011, 06:05 PM
meinsb meinsb is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16
Default

It seems this thread is old now, but coming out is difficult to face. I want to believe I am not different from society, but I am. I only recently realized I was poly, and it is not from experiencing. So basically I am identifying as poly and trying to figure out if I should come out about it then pursue it, or pursue it and then come out about it.

Its more complicated then that though because I am married with a three year old, and although my wife has known I was different since early in our relationship (going on four years) I have only identified as poly for about 6 months.

She is supportive or at least not un-supportive, but definitely mono. I don't want to hurt her.

My parents are open minded people. My sister seems to be poly as well, and we are now beginning to discuss what that means for us. But I only introduced her to the term poly a few days ago, and I don't think she has done any research yet. I came out to my brother and that went really well. I guess it will probably go well with my family, but it is still quite scary.
Reply With Quote
  #143  
Old 03-27-2011, 06:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by meinsb View Post
It seems this thread is old now
no thread is old unless the info is old.... thanks for posting here
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #144  
Old 03-27-2011, 07:30 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,374
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by meinsb View Post
Its more complicated then that though because I am married with a three year old
There must be something wrong with me, I read that sentence completely wrong at first (as in, your spouse being a three year old).

Other than your partner, I don't think you have any obligation to come out to anyone before pursuing it. However, I can see how you would want to get it out of the way. It would also help if the coming out isn't associated with anyone in particular, nobody will blame that person (thinking they "turned" you poly since it's the first time they've heard about it).
On the other hand, it's always hard to come out, and it can seem pointless when you could live very well without coming out...

Really, it's your call. I can see benefits to both options. Since your wife already knows, that's really all I would have advice about and you don't need my advice anymore :P

I just realised I'm in a similar situation.
Well, originally I came out to my husband, and pretty much nobody else (only one close friend). Years later I started a relationship with Seamus. Then later one I separated from my husband, and lots of people blamed Seamus, not understanding the situation.
Now though, I'm with Seamus, and to a bunch of people who didn't really follow things, I never came out as poly. So if I do it now, I'll do it before having another partner.
And honestly, I want to do it now. I've had bad experiences with coming out too late, or not coming out and being found out and misinterpreted.

But that's really my situation. In your cas,e if you think you might stay mono de facto despite being poly, you might think it's less important to ever come out. You need to consider your wife's feelings as well - my boyfriend is poly and out to everyone, but my husband was mono (then poly-identified to me, but it turned out after we separated, actually still mono) and didn't want me to come out to people who also knew him, as he wanted to be the one doing it when the time would be right. Which happened for some, and not for others.

Anyways, each situation is unique, in my case from now on I want to be open regardless of how many partners I have, however when I was in your shoes I picked the other option, and it could have worked out better if the circumstances had been different.
Reply With Quote
  #145  
Old 03-27-2011, 09:36 PM
meinsb meinsb is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16
Default

My story has been a long time in development. In high school I watched a peer who I had known since early grade school come out of the closet. He was not flamboyant, but once he came out took his sexuality very seriosly and become an important figure and leader for the GSA club which I joined as an ally.

More recently I have begun to identify as bi or partially bi, and am beginning to feel like I should / would like to be open to my family.

This of course is a different topic than poly, but is somewhat tied in. Coming out in general poly or bi is way uncomfortable for me, but I have watched very highly respected friends do it and was always proud of them. They also seems to have positive results.

For now it seems like I will spend a lot of time reading, pondering, and seeing what others have to say about me as I explore my new relationship-ness (is there a poly term for this - is it just poly or polyamorous?) and alongside that, will probably explore how I feel about being bi.

Its great to have support from you and the community. Did the end of your relationship with your mono partner have anything to do with him not being poly? or was it more typical relationship struggles? I worry a lot about my wife and I breaking up over all this even though things are going well and communication is good so far.

I tried to walk out on the relationship not too long ago for fear that I am only delaying an inevitable failure and only going to do more damage in the long run. I know I am a good father, but I struggle with how I am as a husband because of being poly. I told my wife this and that I didn't want to do harm in the long run and she basically said she would never want me to leave. BUT the whole poly thing is really hard for her at the same time.
Reply With Quote
  #146  
Old 03-27-2011, 11:04 PM
PolyNewbie's Avatar
PolyNewbie PolyNewbie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19
Default

The whole coming-out thing has been very much on my mind lately, and on my wife's. We're a historically mono couple, married 20-plus years, and we're just starting what looks like, maybe, hopefully, with luck and communication and quite a bit of adjustment on everyone's part, is going to become a long-term committed equilateral triad relationship with another woman. My wife and I never thought of ourselves as poly -- a year ago we would have laughed at the suggestion of any such thing, honestly -- and we weren't looking for this; we just happened to both fall very hard for the same woman at the same time, and she seems to feel the same way about both of us.

Things are getting to the point where all three of us really need to think about how open we're going to be about this with our friends and family. Our friends are probably going to be able to take it in stride, and I think most of our family members are going to be ok with it, with the notable exception of a couple of the new partner's relatives, but what they're mostly going to be shocked about is that she's no longer identifying as a full-on lesbian, which she did for a number of years. None of us has employment-related issues about being involved in a non-traditional family, which is certainly something to be thankful for.

One wrinkle about coming out, however, is that for my wife, on top of everything else, this is going to be coming out in the classic sense: nobody in our friends or family has ever known she's bi. She always has been, but she's been extremely private about it. I suppose we could just keep quiet about the details and let people wonder whether this is a full triad or a V with me as the hinge, in which case there might be some doubt about her orientation, but for various reasons it's pretty unlikely that anyone's actually going to think that. So that makes it extra-specially difficult for her. On the other hand, it's becoming increasingly obvious that keeping the relationship secret would involve more self-discipline about public hand-holding and so forth than any of us has. So we're really wrestling with how to handle this.

Are we completely nuts to think that our friends and family will be able to deal with it? They're all nice leftie liberal tree-hugging Birkenstock-wearing types, so it seems to me that they'd be accepting, but maybe I'm kidding myself. This thread has been very instructive, but I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in this situation. What kind of horrified reactions should we expect? What are the pitfalls associated with this part of the process of forming a poly family?
Reply With Quote
  #147  
Old 03-27-2011, 11:40 PM
meinsb meinsb is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16
Default

My dad comes from a conservative religious catholic background, but my mom is more liberal spiritual (no religious affiliation). It seems my sister had a hard time being accepted as bi, but mostly the lack of acceptance is my parents not believing her, thinking it is a girl thing, or making some poor jokes at her expense (which she mostly lets roll off her back).

For some reason I feel like the rejection of being a son, who is bi, and poly will not go over well for my dads pride. My mom may be supportive, but she doesn't fully endorse her more liberal laid back raising because I think she wants to get as far from it as she can at times.

People are going to notice if there are other romantic relationships in our marriage. And frankly I want to be who I am with out concern and therefore feel coming out is an important step for me. But I am afraid.

The interesting thing about me is that becoming poly and coming out are not tied to any new people in my relationship. I may choose not to come out until my wife and I are comfortable with a new addition.

It is becoming clear to me that this forum isn't helping just see what poly is and if I am poly, but more helping me figure out what to do with the knowledge, and there is a big question of how to figure this all out with my wife who isn't.
Reply With Quote
  #148  
Old 03-28-2011, 07:13 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,549
Default

I'm all for not comming out, until there is something to come out about, as in you have established another relationship. As far as I'm concerned the only one that really needs to know you are thinking about or starting to date is your existing parnter. If people notice that something is out of the ordinary, they will either blow it off or say something. If they say something, then they are ready to receive an answer. I'm all for letting people be willingly ignorant if that is their choice, as long as no one is getting hurt (actual danger, hateful remarks, etc). Mind you I don't have any experience in this, other than knowing how my super religous, judgemental parents think and how they respond when faced with someone who has a different opinon on religion, politics and morality.
Reply With Quote
  #149  
Old 03-28-2011, 08:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Totally agreeing with you SNeacail. People seem to get all NRE about their situation when really settling into something real and sustainable before a possible bashing from others, to me, would be far more constructive and less hurtful.I think being on ones game before coming out makes a person confident, untouchable and unstopable in their vulnerability. That to me is a much better place to be.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #150  
Old 03-28-2011, 09:34 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,374
Default

Well, I can see how you are in a much more vulnerable place when you haven't explored poly yet, and people will maybe even try and stop you... However it seems to me you avoid a few things that way:

- Having the whole "I can't believe you lied me for X long" thing from everyone, on top of all the rest, when you do come out

- Hiding someone you love, and therefore not giving them the same level of respect you've always given your first partner by acknowledging them (unless you were hiding them as well at first?)

- If someone finds out before you can come out, have them misunderstand the situation, draw their own conclusion and never come to you, but spread it to other people, in effect causing you to suddenly lose a bunch of people who were important in your life without ever being told why or warned before being cut off (I'm saying that because it personally happened to me)

- having your polyamory be associated with the person you're with when you come out. Similar to how homosexuality can become your bf's or gf's "fault", as in they seduced you and made you believe you're gay, or something. In this case, that person gave you crazy ideas and is manipulated you, and is obviously unsafe to be around, etc

I realise the risks that go with coming out are high. And it can seem more tempting to be able to say "I'm polyamorous, and yet it can last, it's been X years", but during these X years and at the time you come out, you have to go through things I would personally rather avoid.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, coming out, coming out poly, coming out to kids, family, friends, invitations, mono, poly, quad, society, workplace

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:06 AM.