Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #191  
Old 03-19-2011, 07:31 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

If you do a tag search for "dating" or "coming out" you will find some other threads on this topic... generally speaking there seems to be a couple of more common camps of thought on this one...

The first being to be as open as possible right from the beginning in order to welcome and invite the type of partner into your life that would work for you... why go to the effort of dating and getting excited if they are not going to work out as far as the dynamic they would prefer? Telling them up front that you are poly and educating them means that you don't invest in someone that is not going to be willing to be with you in the way that is most natural to you... if they are interested it will be evident.

The second is the three dates theory... the idea being to let someone know after three dates that you are interested in being a partner with the person.. I guess this is to do with sex and commitment and that you won't know until having met the person once for a quick meet up, second for a proper date and third to seal the deal as to what their worth is to you and visa versa. Usually to have sex.

It tend to be a person who knows pretty much right away if the person is worth investing in... I said right on my dating profile that I was poly and tell everyone I meet that I am. At least I don't hide it. I am not ashamed or fearful any more and find that if I do this people who are interested or like minded gravitate towards me. Those who don't like the idea or are not like minded keep a happy distance.

I prefer not to spend time on people who are just too different, regardless of my attraction to them. Not that I am rude or don't hang out with them, just that I don't invest in them being more than an acquaintance. Hell, I've made some cool friends with people that are very different from me. But life is too short and my happiness, I have come to realize the hard way, is based on what I chose to do in life and who I spend time with.

There are lots of people out there to date, but if I spend my time on people that aren't suitable I miss the doors that open and miss opportunities to be with those that suit me more. Being open to all possibilities is how I met Mono and PN. I was honest from the get go with both of them. There were no secrets or info kept from either of them. Derby I met at a poly group... I totally advocate for seeking out groups of like minded people. That is the best bet if you ask me.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #192  
Old 03-19-2011, 09:07 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,306
Default

Hi Firewater, and welcome!

I just read your intro -- I'm solo and dating in NYC too. Of course my experience will be different from yours because I'm a woman and I would guess close to twice your age. BUT generally, I don't use any form of the word "polyamory" when I meet men -- it's just so ripe for misinterpretation (and I don't really like labeling myself anyway). What I usually say is that I'm "not looking for exclusivity right now" simply because the word exclusive seems to ring a bell with people, while polyamory just confuses them -- and I don't feel like educating everyone I go on a date with. I mean, I don't want to spend a whole night out talking about relationship dynamics.

Now, of course on the outset, if I say I don't expect a guy to be monogamous with me, this appeals to lots of men, probably because their first thought is that they're gonna get laid -- and I'm a looker -- but if they've been indoctrinated in the madonna/whore view of women, then they think I'm just slutty and into sleeping around and not relationship material. If the conversation lends itself and I get a good vibe that they're worth explaining myself, I then discuss more about it and how I would like to "cultivate multiple ongoing committed relationships."

Now, I know it is much trickier for a guy to meet women who will be open to this because most chicks have been handed that fairytale wedding to dream about. I don't know what younger gals are into these days but I would hope some are more open-minded. So try using words like non-monogamy and exclusivity rather than polyamory at first and see if they're receptive before you waste your time trying to explain it. I don't know if there's really any right or wrong way regarding when to tell them (first date or not), I feel that there's nothing harmful in going out a few times before talking about it, because you're still in the "getting to know you" stage, and if it's something they're not really into but they've begun to like you, then there's more of a chance that they might consider being receptive to poly. However, of course, it's important not to lead them on to thinking you're into monogamy until then. Dates should be about enjoying the person and the moment, not auditioning for a role you want them (or yourself) to fit into, anyway, I believe.

Also I've been told that other places where alternative lifestylers hang out are good venues for possibly meeting people open to poly. Look at groups or people involved in or into the arts, gaming, RenFaires, co-housing, BDSM, Burning Man, nudism, sci-fi, Unitarianism, intentional communities, ink and piercings, New Age and other "spiritual" philosophies, etc., where more free-thinking people will be found.

In NYC, I sometimes attend meetings at OpenLoveNY. Every month they have a poly cocktails get-together (drinking alcohol not required). I know of the meetings you go to (West Side, right?), as some people I know attend as well. There's also the Pleasure Salon monthly gathering for sex-positive people but be prepared for lots of really kinky types as well as poly peeps.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #193  
Old 03-20-2011, 12:50 AM
Somegeezer's Avatar
Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 805
Default

Good question. I'd love to know too. I'm not really a date kinda guy. I've never been into it. I enjoy cuddling on the sofa and watching a good film and all that cheesy crap. =P I get to know people over time and build strong friendships before I really love them. I guess it puts me back quite a lot. =P The closest poly group I can find is in another city over too. Which isn't financially viable for me, unfortunately.

I'm pretty much buggered for ever having myself a poly relationship.
__________________
[Insert witty comment here]
Feel free to add me up on facebook. - Just click here.
Do send a message in your request saying who you are and that you're from this forum. It will help me filter out any spam requests.
=]
Reply With Quote
  #194  
Old 03-20-2011, 04:36 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
Good question. I'd love to know too. I'm not really a date kinda guy. I've never been into it. I enjoy cuddling on the sofa and watching a good film and all that cheesy crap. =P I get to know people over time and build strong friendships before I really love them. I guess it puts me back quite a lot. =P The closest poly group I can find is in another city over too. Which isn't financially viable for me, unfortunately.

I'm pretty much buggered for ever having myself a poly relationship.
Most poly people I have encountered begin relationships in this manner. I haven't met (online or rl) too many that begin with sex first.

As for your location, that of course is a different problem altogether
Reply With Quote
  #195  
Old 03-20-2011, 07:04 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

I don't date, I move right in!

Always sex first.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #196  
Old 03-26-2011, 02:33 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Well this is an interesting idea as a way to find dates and like minded people.

http://wholesexlife.com/2011/03/a-hy...or-my-husband/
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #197  
Old 03-26-2011, 05:30 AM
Somegeezer's Avatar
Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 805
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Most poly people I have encountered begin relationships in this manner. I haven't met (online or rl) too many that begin with sex first.

As for your location, that of course is a different problem altogether
I think most people do see sex as very important though. But I don't put love and sex together. I prefer to have sex with someone I love, but even then, I don't require a lot of it to keep me sane. =P I really doubt many people would do it on the first date, unless it was something casual to start off with, or some other good reason they might have. But I prefer the love thing to come along, which always takes time. It also means you get to know someone a lot better and finding out whether they are really going to connect in an intimate/romantic relationship, or whether it is better as a friendship.

If they can't accept me as poly, it would hard to even have that friendship though. Whether they agree with it or not, they have to accept me as believing in it, as I would accept them with their beliefs, whether I would believe them or not.
__________________
[Insert witty comment here]
Feel free to add me up on facebook. - Just click here.
Do send a message in your request saying who you are and that you're from this forum. It will help me filter out any spam requests.
=]
Reply With Quote
  #198  
Old 03-27-2011, 01:09 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,306
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
I really doubt many people would do it on the first date, unless it was something casual to start off with, or some other good reason they might have.
Or if they are a child of the seventies* and just used to things going that way.




*me
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #199  
Old 03-27-2011, 01:13 AM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Or if they are a child of the seventies* and just used to things going that way.




*me
Me too.
__________________
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
Reply With Quote
  #200  
Old 03-27-2011, 01:28 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,306
Default

I had a first date last night with someone from OKC . . . my second actual meetup with a guy I met online.

But I won't kiss and tell . . .

Well, maybe.

But seriously, I got an email that this weekend is a "free communication weekend" at chemistry.com and so I re-joined to check it out. Ugh, the pits. I un-joined less than 20 minutes later. I really believe OKC is the best I've come across for meeting people online. Even though it's poly-friendly, though, I am told it is tricky for most men to get responses from women, whether poly or not.

Regarding Firewater's questions, I think that when you meet someone, whether online or in the real world, if you are nervous and preoccupied with thoughts like, "Oh my gosh, how'm I gonna tell her I'm poly?" it will take you out of the moment. You'll be in your head the whole time and thus will enjoy their company even less because you're monitoring yourself and preparing to break the big news, and therefore will basically seem faraway and inattentive to your date, which will likely be less appealing than whether or not you're seeing other people or want to keep things loose.

So the trick is to have simple goals for a date: just enjoying someone's company, having a good time, getting to know someone, attending that new exhibit at whatever museum, hearing that music and turning your date onto your favorite band -- WHATEVER. Don't get all caught up in the dialogue you hear in your head about how hard it is to get a poly thing going. Bah! Relax, enjoy yourself, pay attention to your date, really listen to them, and be your real authentic self. That is the best way to attract someone. If you are compatible, and the person really likes you, chances are they will consider overcoming any "obstacle" to want to get to know you more. Besides, it seems to me that blurting out, "I'm polyamorous!" on the first date is sort of egotistical, as if you're expecting them to want a serious relationship with you. Just be there with them and go with the flow.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 03-27-2011 at 01:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
approaching someone, asking people out, dating, finding someone, first time, flirting, married and dating, meet ups, meeting new partners, meeting people, okc, online dating, poly dating, primary, primary/secondary, secondary, sex, small town, solo, third partner, thirds

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:57 PM.