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  #121  
Old 03-26-2011, 11:34 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
It's self destructive to torture yourself by seeing her out...that being said I've felt the same jealousy of TP going out and not anything about who she's with. Redpepper was right, when she goes out plan to fill your time; I went to the gym, read, played xbox...chores, anything to keep busy...
We're here for you and you are doing well, keep it up and be patient, the frustration will pass.
Wow if I was married to you I would be going out all the time just so the chores would get done (and not by me)
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  #122  
Old 03-26-2011, 11:52 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Wow if I was married to you I would be going out all the time just so the chores would get done (and not by me)
The best is when he decides to bake!
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  #123  
Old 03-26-2011, 11:56 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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It takes a real man to nest and make a decent bread pudding...stop hijacking the thread!
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  #124  
Old 03-27-2011, 12:11 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Oddly enough....

..... My night with T ended on a good note. Man I'm tired. After my meltdown I pretty much locked my office door and wept tears of frustration and anger. I felt completely shutout and shutdown. T made several attempts to talk to me but I was to pissed off and hurt to go there. "fuck off and leave me" alone are the words that come to mind, along with other you hurt me and I want you to know it expletives and phrases. But T being T didn't let that stop her from trying even when I told her she was free to fuck anyone and everyone, but don't tell me about it. I was making plans to move out, you know the plans crazy people make at 5:00am when they're sick, tired and angry. It was all pretty nonsensical to say the least. T finally got through to me and apologized for shutting me down. She explained it was a panic defensive reaction, nothing more. I set her off when I started interrogating her as to why was I the only one researching and working on understanding poly. ( total bullshit, as T has been and continues to do a lot of work learning about this Life change)
We spent the next 2 hours talking rationally about what was going on here and what we could do differently. First thing is....Slow down! I know! Who knew? ( OK, you did.) Going on Ts date what just dumb, no it was really dumb. Won't be doing that again, my bad. All go no quit works well in a fight, not so much in moving from mono to poly. Next; We love each other, life partners, no moving away from that. and finally,We'll spend time researching and discussing poly together at a certain time each day instead of doing it on our own. We;ll still do our own thing online but will bring what we find to our daily talks for discussion.

I have to be careful I'm not making me sound like a victim or a martyr here. T has been and continues to be loving, supportive, caring and understanding of my challenges and emotional......stuff. This can't be much fun for her, She wants to have an Adventure, let another part of her soul out to play and thrive and really, intellectually I get it. Emotionally? Not so much.

I am at a loss truly as to why I am having the problem I am with this. I'm surprised and saddened at my reactions. I expected to be far more open to this then I am. I need to read up on the benefits and positive outcomes of Poly and get my head right.

You folks take care and thanks for taking care of me. I had no idea I'd need this or you, so much.

Be well

Freetime.

Last edited by Freetime; 03-27-2011 at 12:42 AM.
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  #125  
Old 03-27-2011, 12:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Freetime, you definitely do not sound like you are playing the victim or martyr!! You are indeed coming across as very human and real. I am so happy for you that you and T. discussed the situation further and came up with some workable boundaries. Lessons learned, eh? And ain't that what life's about?

(((HUGS)))
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  #126  
Old 03-27-2011, 05:32 PM
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Ah, that's good FT. So good.

I know some people go on first dates with their partners and a new person. (On here, TL and LTforeverU2 do this. ) But they sit at the table and get to know the person, don't just lurk voyeuristicly in the background. I bet the guy your wife went to dinner with might've felt weird if he knew you were there watching over them.

My gf has a bf, and his wife went on several of their first lunch dates with them both. (I thought it was a bit weird and control-freakish of her myself). And now that my gf goes to their place once a week for a sleepover, the wife is almost always there, which we can see is hampering M's being able to feel as sexually and emotionally free with my gf as he'd like.

Sheesh, I keep telling my gf to have M over to her place. Alone. Of course, I'd vacate the premises and go home and give them space.
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  #127  
Old 03-27-2011, 08:02 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Dear FT,

My husband and I ride the roller coaster too, as I see many others doing here on the forum. What we are doing is a wild ride. It's HARD WORK! But there are successes here, people who say it is worth it. The highs are higher, the lows are lower -- I've felt so low at the lows it seems like everything is crumbling, disintegrating, final and dead. To me poly is like a phoenix love. It keeps rising out of the burning ashes, over and over. What grows is always something more beautiful than it was before. (We are there today. The highs are awesome!)

My husband took his wedding ring off a long time ago. Yes, our marriage, as we knew it, has died, several times over. We've had the "I'm moving out" fights, that become, "I'm moving to the spare bedroom" to "I'm sleeping in the same bed just so the kids don't suspect anything and get scared." We've grieved and mourned. Then we've even grieved in advance for things that never even came to happen. We DON'T want a divorce. We love each other. We are best friends. For the most part, we get along. We decide to stay together, for better or for worse, then we celebrate a wedding, all over again! Sometimes he even puts his ring back on!

I love the advice you've gotten from everyone the past two days or so. Wisdom here! We are all here to support and encourage each other. I hope it helps when the extreme lows take you to the burning heap, to know that most of us here have been through it, too. You are a pioneer. You are designing your own love life, writing your own story. There is no script and you are making the rules up as you go. I wouldn't say you "shouldn't" have gone with T on that date. It was part of the journey. We don't live in "woulda coulda shoulda" here. This is a "what if?" place. You are right where you are supposed to be. And you have friends.

Love to you and T. You're doing just fine
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  #128  
Old 03-27-2011, 08:08 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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And BTW -- my husband does about 300 crunches every day now! (He had a hot body to begin with, but once I went poly, he went ABsolutely nuts about it!)
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  #129  
Old 03-27-2011, 08:36 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Have I learned anything yet?

1) I'm not alone. Good news..no, really good news!
2) This isn't going to kill me, just feels like it some days.
3) I love T. Everything else is just Bullshit.
4) T loves me.
5) T really really loves me.
6) Change hurts. (It hurts a lot more when you've been running from it for awhile, but you'll live, and you'll be stronger for finally facing it.)
7) Don't quit. It's Ok to say you quit, even to mean it when you say it, just don't do it.
8) When this gets to be to much, ask for help and take a break.
9) Love and gratitude are more powerful then fear and selfishness. Always.
10) I'm not alone. never was, Never will be.
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  #130  
Old 03-28-2011, 12:38 AM
garret9453 garret9453 is offline
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acceptance, communication, dating, jealousy, marriage vs. polyamory, metamours, struggling, transition

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