Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-25-2011, 08:33 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,376
Default

Things WILL change, for sure. Also, you said you don't want kids, meaning that this won't be a kid the three of you raise together as equal parents, but their kid and you'll be more of and aunt figure, right? (I'm assuming you're female, correct me if I'm wrong. Sometimes I don't remember things like that very well).

First, you need to be clear about the fact that you don't want kids of your own. Then, add that you do want to support them and that you love them (unless you don't want to support them and their decision appalls you. In that case though, make sure to talk to them. It will probably mean the end of the relationship - I doubt they'll be willing not to have a kid for your sake - but it will be better in the long run for the three of you as well as the baby).

Then, you need to realise that everything will probably take second seat to the baby. Your relationship with either of them, their relationship together and the relationship as a triad. So at least don't take it personally, their own relationship is also going to suffer, it won't be all on you.
On the other hand, being 3 adults provides a significant advantage. After the very early stages, there will be one adult who can take care of the baby while the other two are out together. That does mean you should expect it to be you every so often, however it should not be just you either.
And you should also try and date with the three of you again as well (I assume you do that) by having someone else take care of the child while the three of you are out together.

From your post it doesn't seem to me that you're living together. I would say, there is a risk for the relationship depending on where things go. It might seem to them that you're not being supportive enough, letting them deal with the bad things (taking care of the baby) and wanting to be there for the good ones (the relationship).
You might feel like they're excluding you from their lives, or feel like the baby was their decision and it's unfair of them to ask you to contribute so much.
You'd probably feel much more included if living with them, as they're unlikely to have much time to see you. Consider being the one to come visit them and rarely if ever the other way around.

Either way, it's hard to tell before it happens. And it might work very well. They might find in you some relaxation from their parenting issues, you might enjoy your role as an aunt.

But most of all, I would suggest you be honest. First with yourself: are you going along because you feel you don't have a choice, or are you fine with the idea? Are you wishing they wouldn't have a baby, and just staying because you'd rather be with them than without, or are you just worried because it's a big decision, but ultimately fine with it?
Then, be honest with them. "I'm worried things will change too much, it's a big decision". Or even "I'm really not sure I feel up for this", if that's the case. I think talking with them could help, you could talk about what is going to be expected of you towards the baby, for instance.

And don't forget the pregnancy. She's going to need support during her pregnancy, and she might feel tired or not want to be intimate with either of you (or want more intimacy than before. You never know). You might find that being together (without ignoring her when she needs help, of course) will help you deal with that, and that you'll also be support for one another. I've heard that fathers often feel excluded while their female partner is pregnant, at least there will be two of you this way. (Just be careful she's not the one who feels excluded, either).

And for that matter, the baby tries. It will become important that he be with her and not with you during her ovulation period for instance. You'll have to plan the scheduling around for that.

In other words, lots of potential changes, lots of potential messes, but you should be able to prepare for it and keep your relation strong.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-27-2011, 08:26 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

I'm in a similar situation but with the genders reversed -- I started dating my girlfriend, Gia, a year and half ago. I've been physically intimate with her husband, Eric, and consider him a good friend, but don't have the same sort of relationship with him that I have with Gia. About a year ago, they started making serious plans to have a child. Five months ago, Gia became pregnant.

Obviously, much of this will be very different for you since you're with Dave, not Amy... so, this is just me rambling in the hope that something in here will be pertinent or helpful.

The pregnancy has changed a lot of things already. Gia's had a rough pregnancy so far. Nothing TOO scary, thankfully, but she's been very nauseous, achey, and exhausted on a frequent basis. Less frequently she'll have more acute problems like gastrointestinal issues that really knock the wind out of her sails. I haven't been sexually intimate with either of them since she conceived. Her physical issues related to the pregnancy are a big part of it, but also she just has wanted more space. It stings, but I recognize that this is a transititional period and so I'm not pushing.

One surprising thing, for both of us, was that Gia felt her internal world entirely rearrange after she conceived. She had had plans and ideas and goals for her future that didn't have to do with the baby and it all sort of went out the window at first... those things are coming back now, but not necessarily in the same order or with the same force. It's all about the baby right now. My place in her life... what we might be building together... falls into the category of those things that she knows are important to her but that she can't actively plan for right now. So we're just riding it out.

I'm preparing to fall deeply in love with the child-to-be. How could I not, since it will be a part of people I love? I see it as being a big change that will come in my life, and a big responsibility... I've actually considered getting a tattoo representing the child's name when he/she arrives. It would be my first tattoo. That might give you a sense of how deeply committed I feel to the idea of being a part of this child's life, helping him/her grow and thrive and learn and live and love.

Gia has said that she sees me as an Aunt figure for the child to be, which I'm comfortable with. The big question for me is -- would I be willing to be more? Would I be willing to be a co-parent? I don't know if the two of them would even want that, but I can't decide whether or not to offer unless I know if I would want to follow through. How would I find the time? What would our families think (we're all soooort of out about poly right now)? Would it even be possibly, logistically, since I don't live with them?

The biggest lesson for me has been not to freak out trying to get answers... from myself or from her/them... about what shape the future is going to take. It's just unknowable. Things are completely different now than they were five months ago, and they'll be completely different in another five months. Children are change, is what I've been learning so far (or, at least, pregnancy is). I'm more excited than I am scared, more in love than I am worried about getting burned.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 03-27-2011, 10:18 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 83
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
The pregnancy has changed a lot of things already. Gia's had a rough pregnancy so far. Nothing TOO scary, thankfully, but she's been very nauseous, achey, and exhausted on a frequent basis. Less frequently she'll have more acute problems like gastrointestinal issues that really knock the wind out of her sails. I haven't been sexually intimate with either of them since she conceived. Her physical issues related to the pregnancy are a big part of it, but also she just has wanted more space. It stings, but I recognize that this is a transititional period and so I'm not pushing.
Well you better hope to get any sex stuff you want before the pregnancy, otherwise add another 3-6 months on after the birth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Gia has said that she sees me as an Aunt figure for the child to be, which I'm comfortable with. The big question for me is -- would I be willing to be more? Would I be willing to be a co-parent?
If you were more than an Aunt figure you have to consider what the child would call you. It seems an issue for me, what do you call the co parent? It seems many people just go by their name, that doesn't really gel well with me, I wouldn't want my kids to call me by my first name.... it's an interesting one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
The biggest lesson for me has been not to freak out trying to get answers... from myself or from her/them... about what shape the future is going to take. It's just unknowable. Things are completely different now than they were five months ago, and they'll be completely different in another five months. Children are change, is what I've been learning so far (or, at least, pregnancy is). I'm more excited than I am scared, more in love than I am worried about getting burned.
I think that is a good lesson you've learned. If you can just relax and say "I'm not sure how it will be but I'm going to give it a shot" you're in a better place than most I think.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 03-27-2011, 03:27 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,567
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Gia has said that she sees me as an Aunt figure for the child to be, which I'm comfortable with. The big question for me is -- would I be willing to be more? Would I be willing to be a co-parent? I don't know if the two of them would even want that, but I can't decide whether or not to offer unless I know if I would want to follow through. How would I find the time? What would our families think (we're all soooort of out about poly right now)? Would it even be possibly, logistically, since I don't live with them?
Don't offer, just do. An Aunt figure can be a little involvemet or a lot. Her idea of an Aunt figure could very well mean co-parent. Stop worring about the labels and just do what you are comfortable with. They will let you know what they are comfortable with and in the beginning, they may not even know themselves. What's OK one day may not be the next and vice versa.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 03-27-2011, 06:06 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Don't offer, just do. An Aunt figure can be a little involvemet or a lot. Her idea of an Aunt figure could very well mean co-parent. Stop worring about the labels and just do what you are comfortable with. They will let you know what they are comfortable with and in the beginning, they may not even know themselves. What's OK one day may not be the next and vice versa.
This is great advice and is something I've basically been thinking to myself. Fits well with the whole "don't try to know the unknowable or plan the unplannable" thing.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 03-27-2011, 07:20 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,376
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
If you were more than an Aunt figure you have to consider what the child would call you. It seems an issue for me, what do you call the co parent? It seems many people just go by their name, that doesn't really gel well with me, I wouldn't want my kids to call me by my first name.... it's an interesting one.
My mom called both her parents by their first name (well, a nickname for it). My grandmother died when I was a kid, but she still calls her father that way, as do we all.
I've never called any of my grandparents grandpa or grandma, they all have nicknames based on their names. I've always seen it as the norm (how do other people do to differentiate between their grandparents if they call them the same thing? Or do they call them different things, for instance "grandpa" and "granddad" or something?).
There are also homoparental families that work in a similar way (since both would otherwise be "mom" or "dad").

So while I don't question the fact that you wouldn't like that, I think it can work well. If you grow up with it, it's just normal. Personally I like the idea of having a nickname rather than being "mom". I mean, I would want to be called something that doesn't only relate to my relationship with the kid. I wouldn't want my brothers to call me "sister" or my parents to call me "daughter", I'm glad they call me in ways specific to me. I would like for it to be the same way with a kid, being called not just as their mom, but as my own person.

But I think it's a matter of taste.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 03-27-2011, 10:44 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,303
Default Names

My Beloved is "Auntie Vice" to her nephew. His parents wanted him to have an Auntie Vice and Uncle Vice. The Vices were to be the people their son could go to when he had awkward questions about stuff you just don't want to talk to with your parents (sex, drugs, etc.).

Uncle Vice has dropped out of the picture but her nephew loves his Auntie Vice. She always gets the best toys and will answer any question he wants. In fact, he recently asked what tea bagging was. So she told him. (His parents were really happy she handled that one - and yes, it was not about politics.)

She finds this profoundly rewarding and has a special place in that child's life.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 03-29-2011, 12:31 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,260
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
If you were more than an Aunt figure you have to consider what the child would call you. It seems an issue for me, what do you call the co parent?
There's no doubt that Mimi has been a co-parents all of the 19 years I've had children.
The first child called her Auntie, the next two followed suit. The last one calls her Mimi (we don't know why).

The thing is-that "Auntie" was a comfortable name for her and so that's what she was, but her time and effort has always been equal to parent.
shrug-as long as she and the child are comfortable with the name... who cares?


GG, was "N'uncle" to the first child.
The next two alternate between calling him Uncle and calling him by his given name with "ey" added to the end.
The youngest calls him his given name with "ey" added to the end.

Again-definitely co-parent. But, who cares?

It wasn't all too unusual in times past for aunts and uncles (and grandparents) to co-parent children, but they were still auntie, uncle, nana, papa, grandma, grampa.

You know?
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 04-02-2011, 03:54 AM
koifish koifish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 71
Default

People handle the births of babies differently. I strongly suspect that the focus will shift away from you and towards the baby. Some people have more energy than others to give to the non-babies in their lives.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:56 AM.