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Old 03-25-2011, 07:44 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
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Originally Posted by LovingLove View Post
I think though that there is a lot of comfort in venting to someone else and that it can often make someone feel better instantly, or see things in a more simplified verbalized form that makes it less of a big deal, if that happens, then why run to the other and make them worry that something is wrong?
I agree and disagree at the same time...
With Raga (my future ex-husband) I did that kind of thing a lot. I would vent to other people about things that annoyed me but that seemed to silly to create a big fuss about, or things we had already talked about but didn't seem to improve, etc.
It would make me feel a lot better about our relationship, and I knew it spared him a lot of pain from hearing me talk about these things to him.
So I completely understand the appeal of doing that.

However, on the other hand, in hindsight it probably wasn't such a good idea. For one thing, the friends I vented to were friends we had in common (so that they knew him and knew what I was talking about) and it had the effect of making me sound horrible (obviously, I was venting, so I was accusing him and not talking about my own part in things). Also, when they thought it was a debate or something, they would argue with me, which annoyed me as I was just trying to vent to them.
And finally, while I was trying to vent so I could have a talk with him after I had calmed down, rather than fall on his back right away, too often the friends would actually contact him first (even when I told them what it was about) and usually had remembered my words wrong, and would only repeat something like "she's really pissed at you, she's probably gonna break up", so when I tried to start the calm discussion, he was already a nervous wreck.
Worse, it probably caused him more pain to hear things from a third person than from me.

I haven't done anything like that with Seamus. Granted, I haven't had the opportunity to be pissed at him yet, but when I'm in a foul mood (which can happen through no fault of anyone else's own) I try to isolate myself instead and think about things on my own, while listening to music, or pacing, or trying to relax.

Also, I should add that the one friend I vented to who wasn't a friend in common never repeated anything to him and never tried to defend him. So if you have to vent at all, I think someone who doesn't know anything about the situation is actually the better choice. They'll let you just say whatever you want and when you're done they'll think nothing of it.
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