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  #101  
Old 03-23-2011, 01:59 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Thank you for making me snort coffee, Derby!
You really think that by now we would all know better than to read the forum while drinking anything!
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  #102  
Old 03-23-2011, 02:13 PM
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I heard what she said..I just don't agree with it. But again it comes down to thriving as an individual or just living.
Although it feels wrong to get back to this issue after such a delightful foray into the world of liquids, I have to suggest Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as one model some folks might find useful when trying to conceptualize 'needs'.

Myself, I agree with Mono; I prefer to want the things I want versus wanting the things I need. In my understanding, using the word 'need' might masquerade some dependency and addiction issues I have, whereas realizing that I need very little but want a lot to me is about realizing our own power in choosing and acting on our choices.
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  #103  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:31 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Soooo...

...Went out tonight with T while she met with her first online Date/ meet up. ie. they met online. I was the secret chaperon ensuring T was safe. As the night progressed I moved to a different area of the pub/bar because well, I'm just not that much of a voyeur and watching my wife on a date was pretty....odd. (I went with T more as a security blanket for her as she hasn't been on a blind date in over 20 yrs)

As it worked out he was a nice guy, but there wasn't any chemistry with him to go further. You could tell he was disappointed, but he took it well and that was that.

So Jealousy....I found myself experiencing jealousy not at T meeting with a potential BF but at not being the guy who was with her having a great night! Which was also one of the reasons I moved out of line of sight. Good news was that a great band was playing in a different part of the pub and I spent my night sipping Ginger ale and grooving to the music.

I'm trying. I swear I am, but I have no.....framework or experience to draw on as to what's Ok here and I found as the night wore on I started to feel like I did on day one. I stopped going down that road as soon as I caught myself, but it took a while to get re purposed.

I think I'm a good man, I think I'm doing what's right and necessary to make it easier for us both, but I just don't have the context to know for certain.

I've stopped running away from anything my fears, jealousy, feeling sorry for myself, all of it. I'm grateful to be awake again, to feel alive and have purpose/desire once more for my life, but to tell you the truth, I'm not really having fun with this.

So much for me to learn yet. Hope I get there soon.

P.S. I apologize for Hijacking my thread back from the earlier hijack. I did however learn that beer and lube may be more fun then I might have thought, so thank you for that.
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  #104  
Old 03-25-2011, 02:25 PM
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So Jealousy....I found myself experiencing jealousy not at T meeting with a potential BF but at not being the guy who was with her having a great night! Which was also one of the reasons I moved out of line of sight. Good news was that a great band was playing in a different part of the pub and I spent my night sipping Ginger ale and grooving to the music.

I'm trying. I swear I am, but I have no.....framework or experience to draw on as to what's Ok here and I found as the night wore on I started to feel like I did on day one. I stopped going down that road as soon as I caught myself, but it took a while to get re purposed.

I think I'm a good man, I think I'm doing what's right and necessary to make it easier for us both, but I just don't have the context to know for certain.

I've stopped running away from anything my fears, jealousy, feeling sorry for myself, all of it. I'm grateful to be awake again, to feel alive and have purpose/desire once more for my life, but to tell you the truth, I'm not really having fun with this.
Sounds like it was a good night...even from a learning perspective. Glad it worked out well for you, and that you've started finding ways to catch yourself from going down the dark paths of your mind. You seem to be getting the coping mechanisms down fine, so I'm not going to bother suggesting new ones if you have stuff that's working for you.

Question time:

Why do you feel a need to be 'the one' having a great night with T? If she went out for girls night with her friends, and has a great night carrying on with them, do you feel jealousy when that happens? If you're at a party and she gets talking to an old friend, girl folk, or new friend, does that cause jealousy? If it's YeHaw week and she has an out of body experience on the Gravitron while you're eating mini-donuts, does that cause jealousy?

I'm not sure I understand the part about how working through your shit somehow casts doubt on being a good man. Personal ethics are personal...if you need external validation, is it really personal anymore? I guess the question here is what do you think you're doing that might be 'wrong', and why would it be 'wrong'?

Finally, if you don't think you're having fun, and it seems like a lot of work, despite all the advantages that you mentioned above...what would be? What do you think it should look like? What would be 'fun'? How do you envision that, and how is it different than what happened last night?


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Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
P.S. I apologize for Hijacking my thread back from the earlier hijack. I did however learn that beer and lube may be more fun then I might have thought, so thank you for that.
You can't really hijack your own thread...so don't apologize...but I'm glad the combination worked out for you.
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  #105  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:14 PM
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It sounds like there is some self confidence stuff going on for you... are you wondering if your wife has lost interest in you? That you are the steady guy here for the long haul and not the fun new guy? Or is your jealousy towards him about the fact that you wish you could date again and have that exhilarating moment of meeting someone new?
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  #106  
Old 03-25-2011, 09:20 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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You folks ask tough questions, you won't let me slide at all here will you?

II wrote: Question time:
Why do you feel a need to be 'the one' having a great night with T? If she went out for girls night with her friends, and has a great night carrying on with them, do you feel jealousy when that happens? If you're at a party and she gets talking to an old friend, girl folk, or new friend, does that cause jealousy? If it's YeHaw week and she has an out of body experience on the Gravitron while you're eating mini-donuts, does that cause jealousy?


You're absolutely right in that if T was out with friends I'd be fine with it. But as soon as she's out with a guy?Not so much, and that's what's bothering me here, it's a guy. Not a girl. Why can't T be Bi and have a girlfriend? that'd be so much easier to deal with. (Ok, that's my fantasy voice taking over, I'm back now.)

Where was I? Right The guy thing. Why does that bother me? Why do I treat this differently? Why do I start feeling jealous of ts activities because she's with a penile life support system instead of another woman?.......dunno. Just do. And I'd like not to.

II wrote: I guess the question here is what do you think you're doing that might be 'wrong', and why would it be 'wrong'?


Hmmmmm what I"m trying to say here is that I don't know what I should be doing here II. How much more do I have to do? When this got started I signed on here, and got busy.I've worked to overcome any of my old emotional/mental shit that might get in the way of Ts journey and continue to do so. I've paid attention to everything you and the others have said and have done what I can to implement your suggestions. I've helped screen the candidates online, provided security on her date, and continue to be open to this new Idea called Poly.

But it seems that everyday I come up against or experience something I don't understand. Am I whining? Maybe. I just wish I had something to ground me when I start feeling uneasy or afraid. This board is all I have right now, You folks are it.

II wrote:Finally, if you don't think you're having fun, and it seems like a lot of work, despite all the advantages that you mentioned above...what would be? What do you think it should look like? What would be 'fun'? How do you envision that, and how is it different than what happened last night?

This, my friend is something I have to think about, you're not cutting me any slack here, are you?

redpepper wrote:It sounds like there is some self confidence stuff going on for you... are you wondering if your wife has lost interest in you? That you are the steady guy here for the long haul and not the fun new guy? Or is your jealousy towards him about the fact that you wish you could date again and have that exhilarating moment of meeting someone new?


Hmmmmmm, I wanted to be the guy last night who was having a great time with my wife, not sitting by myself watching her have a good time. the last part of your reply makes me uncomfortable, very much so. What am I really jealous of here? Fuck me, now I have something else to look at.

Sigh, why couldn't T just want a puppy?
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  #107  
Old 03-25-2011, 09:33 PM
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This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
Why do I start feeling jealous of ts activities because she's with a penile life support system instead of another woman?
And this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
Sigh, why couldn't T just want a puppy?
...seriously made me LOL.

You're a pretty cool guy, Freetime, and are working really hard to overcome some difficult issues so your wife can be happy.

Now that's love, IMO. I applaud you, sir.
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  #108  
Old 03-25-2011, 09:56 PM
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Ditto, Penny!!!
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  #109  
Old 03-25-2011, 10:14 PM
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And whoa, look out -- bi polys bring a whole different dimension to the mix, there is still jealousy there, I've seen it here on the forum. You may think it's all about the penis, but you'd be surprised!

It's odd -- my husband has no problem with the other penis*, it's the emotional intimacy that shakes him to the core. Incidentally -- our latest BIG conflict stemmed from my first "date" with the bf, even though we'd been sleeping with each other (husband approved) for 5 months! He saw the date as "wrangling" (if you search "cowboys" on here you'll see what I mean) -- but that's not what it was at all. I said if we are friends with benefits, it can't just be the benefits! Going out for a beer together was the FRIEND part. Freaked the hubby out. He panicked that the bf was "wooing" me. We are working on some new arrangements that he will feel more comfortable with. Because the last thing the bf wants is to cause conflict in our marriage. He really loves and respects my husband. Sometimes I fear he loves him more than me! Actually, THAT is a terrific feeling. I feel safe when these two men respect one another. It validates my good taste in men

*OMG that looks weird in print! Haha!
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  #110  
Old 03-26-2011, 03:15 AM
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thanks for the smile freetime.

Just a thought... why not just stay home next time and plan a night of fun for yourself. I'm not sure why you need to protect her. She is a grown woman and presumably not naive about the world. You could be going on a lot of dates before she finds the one that fits her life. At the very least maybe you could go and observe on a second or third date. By the third date though I would think you would be setting up a time to meet the dude anyway. I'm not sure how honest it is to watch from a distance anyway... its not sitting well somehow that this guy had no idea you were there... did I get that right? he didn't know you were watching?

When I was dating a couple of years ago I went through about 50 dates between late summer and new years. More maybe? If PN had come out on everyone we would be broke due to drinking out so much and he would of lost interest pretty quick. Not to mention my pace is crazy fast compared to him. I had two dates in one day once!

Besides, I can take care of myself and never went anywhere without him knowing where I was and when I arrived and left. I would pick places that were known to us a head of time and didn't drink alcohol on the first date. I was fine. Most of the guys were so terrified I was completely capable of doing something to them rather than them doing something to me!

Mono took one coffee date and that was it. Love. There was no question. If PN had been hanging over my shoulder when we met I would of felt very uncomfortable and would not of felt I had privacy. I would of felt like he didn't trust me and that he was in some way controlling me. We are both far too independent to be fussing around wondering about the dates we have at this point though.

Mono had a hard time me hanging out with my friends after I met. He didn't trust the men I was developing friendships with in our local poly community. It was not something he was used to to have his partner go out for dinner with a male friend... how could he trust that I would not be taken advantage of???!! It seemed rather ridiculous at the time and confusing... I have never had that kind of concern for me before.

I dunno, maybe you should work on what you could do with your life during this time of your relationship and leave her to it... except for hearing how its going of course.
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