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  #61  
Old 03-24-2011, 08:18 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobFire
Issues lurk in both mono and poly relationships. Mono relationships don't have that great a statistical success rate, even in institutionalized marriage.

Poly relationships are more challenging to manage than mono due to the additional partners in play.

Though rare, super-duper high-quality mono and poly relationships exist. Both , IMHO, have rewards worth pursuing.
This.

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Originally Posted by Tonberry
People seem to have that romantic notion that if you really love each other you'll have the same ideas about everything and therefore don't need to talk about them, especially if it's an "ugly" subject such as money or other partners. But it seems to me real intimacy is when you can discuss these things openly, and deal with the differences of opinion when they come up.
And this.

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Originally Posted by TruckerPete
I certainly find such discussions to be as bonding as a good session in the sack!
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Originally Posted by RitaFire
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete
I certainly find such discussions to be as bonding as a good session in the sack
Haha me too!
And this.
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  #62  
Old 03-24-2011, 10:39 PM
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@ritafire (thanks for the intro TP )- I have a non sexual boyfriend named Leo. I have written a lot about him in my blog. Especially since the beginning of december 2010 as we broke a boundary with Mono around not having sex. You can read about it there if you wish.

Generally speaking though, our relationship and commitment to one another goes far beyond friendship. Our investment and connection is just as strong as the one I have with my other partners. I don't need to have sex to feel that and neither does he.

Do we feel desire for one another? Yes! Mostly because it is natural to show someone you love them by experiencing them naked and at their most vulnerable. We are not at liberty to go there but we have enough to go on to feel close.

Really our relationship has been our design. It works for us. We meet once a month and have a fantastic date and email and text for the time in between. Our relationship fullfills something in us that is not there in his life or mine and so we decided its perfectly valid to create what works for us. Both of us are very happy with it for the moment. As I said, details are on my blog.
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  #63  
Old 03-24-2011, 10:50 PM
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For the record, there are plenty asexual relationships going on that are poly and or mono. Sex for me is a big thing. I am not asexual, but those that are have just as rich a relationship life as any of us that have sex. There are just different drives and desires at play.
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  #64  
Old 03-24-2011, 11:36 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sex for me is a big thing
It is for me too. I love sex and eroticism. I enjoy flirting and sexual tension. I think sex can enhance a relationship through the giving and receiving of pleasure. Is it love? It can be an expression of love, or it can be a way to satisfy a primal urge. Some relationships are meant to go there and some are not, for various reasons.

But for me, if I had a very close male friend I would not consider him one of my poly partners (if Rob and I were practicing poly), unless we had a sexual relationship. I may have a certain type of love for a man and not be sexually involved, but that sexual relationship makes it more love for me. If that makes sense. lol. I had many male friends growing up so maybe that influenced my thinking.
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  #65  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:13 AM
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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
Sexual activities need to reoccur to be rewarding. Generally speaking. You may have some good memories, but they pale in comparison to the act of having sex with NRE. As such the sex is the driver for a lot of people, yet they usually say otherwise, because then it's not "love" or "poly" it's just typical sex like most people have.
IMO, sexual activities do not need to reoccur for them to be rewarding. I also disagree with the idea that typical sex pales in comparison to NRE sex.

For example; I have had sex with Pretty Lady twice since we became friends, both times were very rewarding. She and I care about each other as friends and both love her husband, Wendigo, very much, but there has never been NRE between us. With Wendigo, I spent a few months NRE drunk and while the sex was great, it got even better AFTER the NRE wore off.

My husband,Wolf's belief is that non-reoccuring sexual activities can be confidence boosting and can actually improve the typical sexual activities with your spouse.

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Originally Posted by RobFire View Post
In some cases, yes. In some cases, no. Depends on what the person seeking sex defines as "rewarding".


NRE+sex is one flavor, Long Term Love+sex is another. Both have different rewards, and neither is necessarily a bad thing.
Agreed.
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  #66  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
The irony here is my observation comes from the other direction. I find to many people throw friendship under the "love" cloud (speaking about romantic love). I am beginning to realize this is where I seem to differ greatly from people in poly.

In my head I can easily break out friendship and romantic love. I can then split it into crush, lust, puppy love and real long term love. Can I define it for others (as GS keeps asking ) no, I can't. I can't define it for anyone, just like no one is going to tell me friendship and a new lover fall equally in line with each other.

For the record I do see a lot of poly people that claim to only want love and not be concerned for the sex... maybe its my cynical side, but I just can't believe them. Maybe if they were more honest about their needs they might find their preferred gender more approachable.
Totally concur.

If I only wanted love and not sex, I had it from day one with GG. No need to identify as polyamorous.
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  #67  
Old 03-25-2011, 01:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
For example; I have had sex with Pretty Lady twice since we became friends, both times were very rewarding. She and I care about each other as friends and both love her husband, Wendigo, very much, but there has never been NRE between us. With Wendigo, I spent a few months NRE drunk and while the sex was great, it got even better AFTER the NRE wore off.
Not really sure how this proves your point. I wasn't talking about reoccuring sexual activities with one person, but having sex over and over again with anyone. Sex isn't some one off need for most people, it's something that needs to happen again and again. Having the odd random encounter can help boost existing sexual relationships temporarily as it gives you those new memories, but over time that affect will wear off and you will need to repeat it to get the same thing.

You will find that once someone opens up their relationship in this manner they may start off slow but eventually start needing more and more of that new sex to feel the same.

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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
My husband,Wolf's belief is that non-reoccuring sexual activities can be confidence boosting and can actually improve the typical sexual activities with your spouse.
Well you would think this would happen. I'm not really sure why you'd necessarily need to step out of a healthy relationship to get confidence, but alas, having sex with new people certainly will give you more memories and experience to fall back on.
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  #68  
Old 03-25-2011, 01:57 AM
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Originally Posted by RobFire View Post
Gross generalization. Those types of people do exist, but so do the types of people who call themselves poly and also maintain legitimate long term relationships with their partners.

One could reverse that and show that many people calling themselves mono often have nefarious intentions as well.

Issues lurk in both mono and poly relationships. Mono relationships don't have that great a statistical success rate, even in institutionalized marriage.
I'm not quite sure why you're on the "defend poly" crusade. I am poly, so I think you are likely confusing what I am criticizing here.

If you don't want to believe that many "monogamous people" love the idea of polyamory simply because it means they can have more sex, then you can be of that belief. From my own experience with talking to mono people a great deal of them are interested in it merely because of the new sexual possibilities. These people I know have the relationship skills of a casio calculator, yet see the potential of able to have multiple sexual partners and finally not be "cheating" if they do it.

There is this thing in our culture that tells us if we could have sex with others with no repercussions, then we would. It's portrayed in movies and books quite often also. As is cheating and lying about it. If you don't think this segment of society will be attracted to polyamory, or aren't already in it, then again, you can be of that belief.

The reality as I see it is that plenty of people are going to lie about their needs or wants because if they were honest it's much harder to find people that will accept it. The amount of people that will accept someone that just wants to have as much sex as possible is low compared to someone that "wants to find the love possibilities out there and expand their mind".

It is why when I see the same spiritual, non logical lingo used in forums and whatnot it immediately makes me question what is going on with these people. I could hide my true needs behind poetic writing, fancy adjectives and a flurry of compliments and most people would be unaware but I don't do so because it's misleading and manipulative.

Given all this I am aware there are exceptions to the rule, and that there are plenty of people who are honest. It doesn't mean if you are one of these it's time to take the stand against generalizations or feel like I'm attacking polyamory.
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  #69  
Old 03-25-2011, 02:57 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preciselove
The reality as I see it is that plenty of people are going to lie about their needs or wants because if they were honest it's much harder to find people that will accept it. The amount of people that will accept someone that just wants to have as much sex as possible is low compared to someone that "wants to find the love possibilities out there and expand their mind".
And those that are open and honest on both points get called liars by both sides.
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  #70  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:57 AM
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I don't see how arguing about any of this is helpful. I think it's great to read what works for everyone as pertains to this topic -- isn't it? -- and there really is no need to make someone wrong and someone right. I am sure the OP just wanted some different viewpoints and opinions, not a debate (which gets to be pretty damn tedious to read).
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-25-2011 at 09:08 AM.
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asexual, asexual poly, love, love language, marriage vs. polyamory, non sexual, secondaries, secondary, sex vs love, third partner

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