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  #11  
Old 03-14-2011, 01:17 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I'm a stable person, and the most important person to Jen. That's all I can ever be, no matter who comes and goes. I will always be there.
THIS!

I love you babe
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  #12  
Old 03-17-2011, 07:04 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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It's been a pretty good few days. Haven't been feeling too anxious, and have been feeling more like myself than I have in a few weeks. I've been talking a lot more about everything again, which definitely helps. I don't feel like I need to be around Jen as much as possible, but I very much enjoy when we are together!

She and I talked about her past, and how she was before she met me, and we got married. It was kind of hard to hear, but I think it gave me some good insight, and it helped sink in the fact that how she has been acting isn't new for her, even if it is for me. Baby steps, for sure, but it's in the right direction at least.

I feel more expressive of my own love, towards Jen (not that I never told her... haha), and towards my good friends at work. Maybe that will help me to accept poly a little easier? Not sure, but like I said, it's a good start.


Overall, I feel like I'm in a good place though.
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  #13  
Old 03-17-2011, 07:50 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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@ Beodude123: I've just read through the whole of this thread in one go. (quick aside: I'm not a trekky either, but the message I programmed to appear every time I turn on my mobile phone is "Beam us up, Scott!" It seems to go with the hardware.)

It strikes me that you and James hit it off pretty well together originally (it was you who introduced him to Jen), but now you write that he isn't very good at his communication. With you or in general? Is your difficulty / pain with his relationship with Jen maybe causing him to have difficulty communicating with you?

[I don't know you, Beodude123, but some of us got some flak from other newbies when we tried to give helpful advice and/or comments that didn't appeal to them... so I'm going to be cautious and assure you that I have no intention of being judgemental, and am fully aware that my ideas might be wide off-beam. Take them for what they're worth, and if they don't apply, please don't get sore. It's painful to read what you're going through and I do honestly only want to help.]

Whether that [your pain leading to his lack of communication] is part of what is going on or not, I think that it would be helpful for you to cultivate the friendship between him and you without Jen in the middle. Spend some quality time with him on your own. (If you don't like each other enough for this to be possible and potentially enjoyable, I don't hold out much hope for the future of your V relationship with Jen at the hinge.) You should both of you open up to each other without being judgemental and without "knowing" what motivates the other, without "knowing" what the other wants. Open your ears and open your hearts.

And don't be too hard on yourself! You're sailing uncharted waters. Others may have sailed similar waters but nobody but the 3 of you can get the 3 of you through this. Be patient, be kind, be understanding, be hopeful... and be yourselves.

Happy sailing!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 03-17-2011 at 10:10 PM. Reason: clarification (rewriting of ambiguous verb structure)
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  #14  
Old 03-18-2011, 02:54 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Don't worry man, no butt hurting here. I, unlike some, take the advice of others when I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. Still though, he and I have had a lot of time together (granted, it was pretty much all before the poly thing came about), so we know each other fairly well. I'm just not quite sure he is what will be fitting what Jen and I need, so we're talking about that right now.
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  #15  
Old 03-23-2011, 12:42 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Well, I keep getting deeper. J probably isn't going to work out, due to communication etc. Anyways, Jen has been talking to another guy that I have worked with, JB. They're just talking right now, but I know she is interested in him, and he's probably interested in her.


While I feel a lot more in control of my emotions, they still are getting the best of me at times. Last night I had another "don't know what to do with my hands" type thing. When I'm like that, pretty much all rational thought goes out the window, and everything that runs through my brain is negative.

Jen read a couple paragraphs from "The Ethical Slut" that talked about jealousy. That it's not an emotion, it's more of a reason for feeling the way you feel. Anger, fear, anxiety, depression... All of them I have been feeling.


So the big question is, how do you deal with jealousy? I think I'm jealous of the affection Jen would show towards others. I'd be very jealous of the sex, but we haven't even gotten to that yet. It's like I want it all (as silly as that is). How can I let go of that? It's not so easy as to say "oh well, that's dumb. Time for it to go". Obviously it's not really something that Jen can help with all that much, and it doesn't feel like talking about it is really helping either.



*EDIT* I'm pretty sure the main reason for the jealousy is that for pretty much the 7 years we have been married, Jen had pretty much been a stay at home wife / mom. Since we started together in England, we didn't really have any friends, so it was just the two of us. When we moved here, we had our first child within a couple months, and that had been consuming much of her time. Now though, she is seeing a lot more people, and doing a lot more stuff in general... So maybe it's a mix of codependence and jealousy? I don't know...


*EDITED EDIT* Also, why would I feel angry about the discovery of jealousy? When Jen first said it, it made a lot of sense... But I was feeling a little anger. Not a lot mind you, but it was still there. Is it because you can't really put it on somebody else, and have to deal with it on your own? One thing that I've kind of been going back and forth with in my mind has been "if only poly hadn't happened". So is the discovery of my jealousy making me mad because it's something I have to confront on my own?

Last edited by Beodude123; 03-23-2011 at 01:16 AM. Reason: Moar Stuff
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  #16  
Old 03-23-2011, 02:06 PM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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I can't help at all with the jealousy part. C was not at all gentle or patient and I was pretty much left to myself to work through things while he went out with other people and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. But I can say it gets easier to watch your partner go out once you've had a few experiences that tell you she's also going to come back and still love you when she does.

The other feelings you're having, (anger, anxiety, what-if's, etc.), sounds like the stages of grieving. Your relationship as you knew it is over and it's perfectly natural to go through a mourning process. Let yourself feel the anger and the depression and do the bargaining and know that it's okay. Write your feelings down and rant away, have a good cry, go hit a punching bag or whatever lets you get your emotions out. You have to go through that to get to the acceptance part.
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  #17  
Old 03-23-2011, 06:49 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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It's weird. I'm not really affraid that Jen is going to leave me. I know that what she and I have could never be replaced. I don't think she's going to fall "more" in love with somebody else....

But there is just this aversion to the thought of her with other men, mostly physically. Even just the thought kissing and stuff gets to me. The grieving thing makes a lot of sense, and there is that feeling sometimes. So I guess I'll just figure out how to work through that.
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  #18  
Old 03-24-2011, 07:45 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I just wish I knew what to do when you were feeling the anxiety. I get flooded with guilt and it makes me want to stop everything and "go back" to the way it was. At the same time the thought of that doesn't feel right either, and I immediately feel a sense of loss at the idea of it.

All I think I can do is listen, and keep telling you how much I love you, and that none of this is because I feel you are inadequate in any way, shape or form. I wish there was an easier answer.
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  #19  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:37 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I'm not quite sure what to tell you on that one.. I think it's just something I have to work through on my own. The contact does seem to help though.

I actually had a pretty positive thing happen last night. Jen was having a pretty rough time with a lot of things last night when I got to work. I tried to do as much as I could before I left, but I can't erase stress -_-. While I was at work, when J was headed out the door, I pulled him to the side. I asked if he could head over and hang out with Jen for a bit. He said sure. I asked if he had chocolate, and he looked in his bag, and he did! So he headed over there.

It was nice to be able to count on him, and help Jen out. It's the first positive thing that's happened (poly wise) in a couple weeks. Hopefully this will be a good start to something that can be healthy again.
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  #20  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:55 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Well, in my infinite wisdom, I wanted to tell somebody about Jen being poly. I figured it would help me to get more comfortable with her newfound life. I told one guy that I'm pretty close to. At first he didn't get it, but when I asked him if he knew any single girls for me to date... He finally understood. Haha

It wasn't my best idea. He pretty much reiterated all of my things, and sort of validated them, as silly as that sounds. So yeah, it kinda sucks. Great idea, right? Not so much.
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