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Old 03-22-2011, 02:58 PM
Emily Emily is offline
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Default Hello! Im new, and confused.

Hello!
My name is Emily

Could i maybe ask for some advice?

Im not 100% sure if polyamory is right for me.
I am in a monogamous relationship, with someone who wants only that.
I love him so much, and would never want to leave him for my own selfish reasons. We have a 2 year old daughter, and he is one of the most wonderful people i know, except for the fact that he never opens up to me about any emotions he's feeling. Thats just how he's always been.

But im straying. And i dont mean sexually, i mean emotionally. Im starting to develop feelings for someone else, and I know it could develop into love if i let it. This other person is all for polyamory, and he is the one who introduced me to it a few weeks ago.

For some reason, i DONT feel bad about the possibility of loving him, because i still completely love my current boyfriend.

Thats where im confused. Is it is possible to love more than one person? I want to love more than one person. I cant imagine it being possible to love too much.

But what do i do if one of the people I want (my current boyfriend) doesn't want this lifestyle?
Does that mean i am not ready for polyamory? It would hurt me greatly to leave him.


Im only 21, im very young and confused about how i am feeling... I appreciate all feedback


And Im so sorry to go off on a rant, i dont usually talk about myself so much >_<
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:02 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi Emily, Your post is no longer than many here. We all usually need to vent when we first find this place.

I think there might be a problem with your bf's inability to share emotions, leading you to feel unfulfilled in that area, and seeking it elsewhere?

Its tougher to be young and poly, because you are still getting to know yourself. And so are your young partners.

My daughter is 25 and was poly, but has taken a break from going that route because it was too difficult to handle all the confusion.
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:24 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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It sounds like yoiu have accepted the idea that you can love two people at the same time, so you got the basic poly philosophy. (The other component is making sure everyone is informed of what is happening.)

I think one question you should ask yourself is if your boyfriend did open up emotionally, do you think you would still love this other guy? In other words, is he fulfilling a strong need and there is not much else attracting you or is he overall someone you are interested in.

I think you should talk to your boyfriend about the concept of polyamory and see what he says as a first step. Before you do anything with the other guy, you need to be on the same page with your boyfriend. It is hard to recover from a hidden affair (though it is possible).
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hello there and welcome.

I would agree with Mags that your boyfriend's lack of emotional expression is a good place to start. Poly couples need to have a good foundation of honesty, open communication, respect and consideration or empathy for everyone involved before starting out. Being emotional is a huge part of being able to express oneself and be able to achieve a foundation... there are other views on what a solid foundation is, the one I have expressed is mine. If you want to know more about other ideas, you can do a tag search for "foundations."

You could also look at some information on what others have learned about poly who have experienced relationship dynamics that way by doing a search for "lessons" in the tags.

It sounds to me that there is some disconnect for you and your boyfriend. Having a child will do that most of the time and you have a young one. Rather than finding connection elsewhere I think it might be a good place to start with connecting again with your bf.

Maybe finding a babysitter and going on a date once a week, or at the very least, when the baby is in bed, settling in for some one on one time. Express to him your concern for not knowing his feelings and ask if you can work on that together. Tell him that you don't feel connected to him and that it worries you and that you want to make every attempt to establish some of that old feelings you had of when you started out dating. They are not necessarily lost, just buried under responsibility and life creeping in. Suggest that you find them again... maybe going to therapy to help him learn how to express himself will help.

A lot of men have been trained not to show emotions by their parents.... I'm a parent too, its so important to make sure that we teach our kids to be emotionally strong, especially boys. What he does for himself now will rub off on his child for the better too.

As to poly and this other man, I think for now I would consider his presence in your life a gift. He has taught you that there is trouble in your relationship and it needs fixing. Getting a new man is likely not going to fix that. If your bf is not willing to do any work on your relationship after you have told him that you are concerned and suggest some ideas that you and he could work on, then I think I would move on. Adding someone and asking for a poly relationship under the circumstances you are in can often be disastrous and hurtful to already existing partners.

Then again, if he doesn't open his eyes to what you are saying the first go around then asking to open your relationship might make him sit up and listen. I think it better to opt for asking him if you can work on your relationship first though. Whatever you do... please please don't cheat. If you need any help with a decision on cheating vs not cheating, just do a tag search on "cheating" and I suspect you will be convinced not to in no time.

Good luck
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:27 PM
Emily Emily is offline
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I admit, i do lack someone to share my emotions with. But he just never opens up to me. He is my best friend, but its almost as if we are best friends, who have a child together. Ive talked to him about his lack of emotions, and my abundance of emotions, but it always comes back to him saying thats just not how he is, and that i should accept him.
I mean no offence to him at all, but i think we have completly different levels of maturity.


I do consider that person who told me about polyamory a gift, it just seems right for me, and im glad i know about it. I dont think that he himself would want to be in any type of relationship with me, besides a friendship, but he's a good friend to have. I havnt even told him about how seriously i am conisdering it. He knows i was interested, but i just cant stop thinking about it.

Even if i leave my boyfriend, i think i would want a polyamourous relationship.

Maybe i will give my boyfriend everything i can, try to fix what our relatoinship is missing, and whatever happens happens.
I agree that i shouldnt go searching for someone just because certain needs are not being met in my current relationship.

After our relationship has run its course/ends, maybe i will try and seek someone with the same views on polyamory as me, and see if we can give it a try. I know you cant choose who you fall in love with, and I know it will be difficult, just like any relationship, but i think the only way i can see if its right for me is to try it.

Like i said, im very naive on this subject, so im still trying to learn.


Ive never posted on forums much before, but it think ill be one this one alot. Lol

Thanks!
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:03 PM
MsWoodland MsWoodland is offline
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Men in general are often misunderstood by women for one reason....we like to assume they are as deep thinkers as we are and sometimes assume something is wrong when they aren't. As if the moments of long silence means they aren't as close to us.
Don't get me wrong, I have known very very deep thinking men as well as a few emotionally aloof women. But what I've found in men is if they have a good job, a home the can count on, love in their life, food on their table, and especially a baby(ies), their thoughts beyond that can become a bit limited. This is not a bad thing if it's the case. It mean all his thoughts are focused on being content with you and your baby.
BUT....
If you are unhappy, for whatever reason you are unhappy, it's unfair to keep the marriage as it is, letting it break apart slowly and painfully. That's like pulling extra adhesive and waterproof tape off your skin slowly. Whatever you do, don't betray him...no matter what. If you decide you want another kind of marriage, kindly walk away from the marriage, or give him a chance to learn to accept what you want by presenting it kindly. But never break his heart by straying, not to say you would. But it can be tempting when we want our cake and eat it too. That is the wonderful thing about poly in not dealing with that so much. But it's not for everyone. Make sure this is what you want, tell him, then make necessary changes. It hurts to think about making these changes, but please trust me when I tell you the hurt of resolving things in this manner hurt so much less than waiting and have it fall apart later...especially when your child is old enough to understand the hostilities that might follow.

I wish you luck....but just know that if this is only about you thinking your husband is aloof from you...he is probably telling you the truth. It is just how he is. He don't love you any less. Don't mean he'll accept sharing you if you tell him...but he don't love you any less.

Goodluck to you.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:19 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Welcome to the Forum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
A lot of men have been trained not to show emotions by their parents.... I'm a parent too, its so important to make sure that we teach our kids to be emotionally strong, especially boys. What he does for himself now will rub off on his child for the better too.
I'll echo this as well, since it's a pretty common denominator for boys who don't want to communicate about their feelings...and if he never has, it's probably something deep rooted that's holding him back.

I'm guess you've been together for at least 3 years or so...so you were high school sweethearts maybe? College lovers? Something like that? Which despite the young age, I think it's a great time to get together with someone... (I met my wife when I was 17, and started dating when I was 19) Yes, you're both still figuring out who you are, what you want, and what kind of people you're going to be, but as long as you're dedicated to doing that together, then your relationship to each other simply becomes a part of that process (rather than waiting till later when a relationship needs to be added to a perhaps less flexible mold).

What my wife and I always had though was very open communication. As much as I was socialized with the same 'men don't cry, or talk about their feelings' nonsense as everyone else, I didn't learn a lot of the testosterone poisoning lessons very well. They still affect me from time to time, as has been pointed out with me when my expressions about feelings get stuck in my throat...but for the most part I've learned to get over them.

So...some of the points others have made are perfectly valid as well and I'd encourage you too look at them seriously, like figuring out what needs of yours aren't being met. And poly may be a way of life you'll want to follow, or not, but I think it'll be bigger than the simple question of emotional expression. And if you do want to try it, it'll be extremely challenging to do so when your bf's feelings are so cloistered, since if poly needs anything to be successful, it's honesty, respect and communication. And you need communication before you can get honesty, so you're already down 2 of the 3.

And the 3rd...if you don't disclose your feelings, and possibly emotional wanderlust to your bf, are you really showing him the respect he'd deserve?
(this is rhetorical mostly for you to answer to yourself...)


My suggestion to you would be to concentrate less on poly for poly sake, or the new poly guy, and work on your relationship with your bf. It won't matter if you're poly or mono, you're in a relationship with a decent fellow already, the father of your child, best friend, and so learning the communication and such will serve you well no matter what.

The trick will be trying to break him out of his shell, and maybe getting him to work on it. I found it's very easy in conventional mono relationships to kind of run on autopilot and just cruise...without really paying attention to the needs or wants of your partner, or yourself. When there aren't a lot of outside forces poking, prodding, and pulling, the relationship can carry on like that for quite a while. It's convenient sometimes, but I'm not convinced it's healthy in the long run.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily View Post
Ive talked to him about his lack of emotions, and my abundance of emotions, but it always comes back to him saying thats just not how he is, and that i should accept him.
I mean no offence to him at all, but i think we have completly different levels of maturity.
That's the autopilot..."just accept it"....it's a double edged sword though, since you could say the same about needing that emotional expression or at least discussion.
There's a fine line...between trying to change your partner to something you want, and them changing themselves to meet the needs of the relationship...yet without change, most relations ships are likely to stagnate and die. Bummer eh?

And I'd caution you not to mistake a reluctance to discussion emotions the way you want with maturity. They're not related.

Have you actually broached the subject of poly with him? Or are you just assuming that you know his mind on it? If you didn't know of it before your new friend came along, then how do you know he's not simply ignorant of the possibilities?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily View Post
I do consider that person who told me about polyamory a gift, it just seems right for me, and im glad i know about it. I dont think that he himself would want to be in any type of relationship with me, besides a friendship, but he's a good friend to have. I havnt even told him about how seriously i am conisdering it. He knows i was interested, but i just cant stop thinking about it.
Sounds like a good fellow to keep around...and if he's not actually a prospect then it'll be a decent way to approach the subject without actually having another partner 'waiting in the wings' so to speak...it's generally not comforting to the current partners, and puts a lot of undue pressure on the process.

And I'd also suggest keeping your emotions in check while you're figuring out what to do. The general stats are that Men get most upset about physical infidelity, and women get most upset about staying emotionally. Stats have nothing to do with your bf though, so don't assume that he won't be just as angry about straying emotionally. The notion of not having control of who you fall in love with is a great excuse when you're justifying a long haired punk guitarist to the parents, but doesn't wash when you're telling it to a long term partner. There are ways to control the heart, and you always have control over your own actions...and just as well, since yours are the only actions you do have control over.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily View Post

Ive never posted on forums much before, but it think ill be one this one alot.
You're certainly welcome to stick around as long as you want.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:40 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
My suggestion to you would be to concentrate less on poly for poly sake, or the new poly guy, and work on your relationship with your bf. It won't matter if you're poly or mono, you're in a relationship with a decent fellow already, the father of your child, best friend, and so learning the communication and such will serve you well no matter what.
This... ... well said
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:11 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily View Post
He is my best friend, but its almost as if we are best friends, who have a child together.
A RED FLAG! When somebody says something like this to me, I have learnt it is most often an euphenism for 'we have put our sexual relationship on hold'. While I'm not saying that sex (especially PIV sex! yay for new acronyms) is the be all and end all of all relationships, feeling sexually rejected IS a major issue that needs to be dealt with, I think. Even if you've more or less stopped sexual intimacy out of mutual agreement, however silent, it's so important to take care that not all intimacy, cuddling, sharing, etc. goes out of the window when the sex stops.

Is this your situation now?
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:34 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
A RED FLAG! When somebody says something like this to me, I have learnt it is most often an euphenism for 'we have put our sexual relationship on hold'. While I'm not saying that sex (especially PIV sex! yay for new acronyms) is the be all and end all of all relationships, feeling sexually rejected IS a major issue that needs to be dealt with, I think. Even if you've more or less stopped sexual intimacy out of mutual agreement, however silent, it's so important to take care that not all intimacy, cuddling, sharing, etc. goes out of the window when the sex stops.

Is this your situation now?
Although friendship with a small child around can really get you through a lot. My husband and I didn't have a whole lot of sex when our kids were really little, there was too much else going on. He's my best friend as well and the sex has come back (and better than ever). I guess what I'm trying to say is that little sex with a 2 year old isn't so much a red flag as a phase that will pass. Keep spending time together as a couple and when you are out together on a date limit the amount that you talk about the child (although I'll give you that sometimes it's hard to come up with other topics).
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