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  #91  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:28 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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People *do* need touch. Old people in nursing homes lack touch, which is why some places bring dogs in to be passed around and petted. This keeps the old folks healthier.

People who don't get enough touch usually turn to other things, food, TV, video games, to compensate.

Of course, there is a sex "drive" as well. We are compelled to mate by our biology. Most of also us hit a mood in our late 20s to also reproduce, we get baby fever.

I think this is all so obvious it barely warrants discussion.
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  #92  
Old 03-21-2011, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Is anything besides food, water and shelter really a need? I see needs as things that can result in death when we are deprived of them. Humans are a species driven by wants and desires that our intelligence has enabled us to dream of and fantasize about. The fulfillment of these wants beyond the basics of life is what gives us pleasure. Meeting our needs enables us to live...achieving our wants enables us to thrive Most other creatures are simply fulfilled by the basic needs.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's ok to have wants. Do you want to live...or to thrive??
Quote:
Originally Posted by Handmaiden View Post
Mono, I get what you mean, but I tend to think of needs in a non-violent communication framework. So yes there are survival needs but there are emotional needs as well. They are aspects that, if we don't meet them (given survival needs are met) we feel negative emotions, a disconnect from our life. I have a huge need for physical intimacy, where if it isn't met, I start to feel very unhappy, and like I'm starving. So while it's not a necessity from a survival aspect (although arguably emotional needs not being met may lead to suicidal thoughts) it's a need I have to meet or I start finding myself depressed and out of step.
Thank you handmaiden. Mono actually knows this if he looks back at the NVC talk we went to... we are an evolved society. Food/shelter/water is covered for us for the most part. We don't live in a third world country. Actually in a lot of third world countries they have intimacy/closeness/connection/family/touch covered more than we do out of necessity for survival I think. The society that most of us live in on this forum is moving away from intimacy/closeness/connection/family/touch because we don't have a necessity for it in terms of getting our greater needs met for food/shelter/water. It is the opposite from third world countries and something that I personally have worked hard to have in my life, because I need it. It turns out that humans need more than just basics for our body to be safe.
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  #93  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:03 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Need vs Desire.

In this situation I have come to the conclusion that for T this is an emotional/spiritual need to experience another connection with a man in a relationship that can or will be sexual. Do I completely understand it? No, and I'm not going to pretend I do. My "complete" understanding is irrelevant, my acceptance and support are not. T has communicated that this part of her life journey is temporary, not forever which makes it much more palatable for me. However in affairs of the heart, who really knows? I'll take this one step at a time, one day at a time.

She and I have had many, many talks late into the night about this desire of hers and although I'm not completely clear as to the why of it, I am working on fully supporting it. After all I'm her Husband, life partner and best friend, how cool is that? Exactly.

Today has been a very cool day for me. I have experienced one of the most peaceful fear free days I've had in years, and I have you folks to thank for that. You have asked me questions I didn't want to answer, supported me when things got/get bad, and encouraged me continue working on my stuff.

My wife T has been and continues to be, loving, caring, patient and understanding of what I'm going through. T has taken some big risks to show me just how much she loves me including being willing to walk away from this, if I asked her too. And with your help, May I never do that.

I want to be a light bringer, someone who supports the people in his life to live large, loudly and in love. Someone who encourages the people he meets and lives with to have the best life they can have and does what he can when he can, to help them along their way. I want to be the man my wife thinks I am.

I have so far to go, but at least for today I'm joyful at where I am.

You folks have a great day, I know I am.

FT

Last edited by Freetime; 03-22-2011 at 12:32 AM.
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  #94  
Old 03-22-2011, 01:24 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default We took another step.

At my urging T has responded to an inquiry to "get to know her" on a dating site from a possible suitor. ( I dunno what to call it/him )


Every day a step forward.
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  #95  
Old 03-22-2011, 04:14 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thank you handmaiden. Mono actually knows this if he looks back at the NVC talk we went to....
I heard what she said..I just don't agree with it. But again it comes down to thriving as an individual or just living.
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  #96  
Old 03-22-2011, 10:51 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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I'm not much for waiting around anymore, done far to much of that these past years, (see early posts) but now I'm encouraging T to get out and meet possible .... BF. The ying and yang of this is startling. First she wants to get moving on this, I fall down, cry and cause a scene in Safeway. OK, that's not really the case but I was less then happy about this gig. (see early posts) After the first no go ( possible BF has a girl...sorta) I go cool! break time. need to get re centered. T agrees, I feel relieved, all is well. For like 3 days. No, T isn't pushing to move on, or saying let's get on with this....I am! Me! I don't drink, but I may start as apparently all of this unfiltered reality is bending my brain into new and funny shapes. Has anyone else experienced this or am I need of some serious therapy?

2 weeks ago I barely understood polyamory. Today I feel like a recruiting SGT. All go no quit, Monogamy is for sissy's.

Last edited by Freetime; 03-22-2011 at 10:54 PM.
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  #97  
Old 03-22-2011, 11:28 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
No, T isn't pushing to move on, or saying let's get on with this....I am! Me! I don't drink, but I may start as apparently all of this unfiltered reality is bending my brain into new and funny shapes. Has anyone else experienced this or am I need of some serious therapy?
I find beer works pretty good...
(Although it's probably irresponsible to advocate it as a substitute for therapy...despite that kind of thing being par for the course in your town.

Beer....and Lube. Excellent combination.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
2 weeks ago I barely understood polyamory. Today I feel like a recruiting SGT. All go no quit, Monogamy is for sissy's.
I wonder if your wife will end up feeling like she created a monster! It's happened before....
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  #98  
Old 03-23-2011, 12:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Beer....and Lube. Excellent combination.
I almost sprayed my soda all over the keyboard at that one!
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  #99  
Old 03-23-2011, 03:03 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Beer....and Lube. Excellent combination.
As long as you get the required substance in the right end.
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  #100  
Old 03-23-2011, 11:43 AM
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As long as you get the required substance in the right end.
Thank you for making me snort coffee, Derby!
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