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  #21  
Old 03-22-2011, 12:42 AM
amobrasil amobrasil is offline
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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
So possibly you could broaden your search to non bisexuals. You basically just need to meet a lot of girls and find ones that are good, and go from there. I wouldn't go out looking for poly or bi people as my main criteria because they often don't fit the mould anyhow and are a rare species. Many girls are interested in trying things with another woman but wouldn't list themselves as bisexual, or even think of themselves as bisexual.
You're so right. I myself was shocked and dismayed when my gf first approached me with the idea of poly. I was so conditioned to believe that love is jealous by nature, that I took great offense at her suggestion... But the idea simmered within me, and nearly a year later, I finally realized her intent was not to replace me but to build upon the foundation we already enjoyed. That's when I began to see the beauty of it. So, I can totally see how what you are saying is possible. (It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind anyway, right? Just kidding!!! lol)

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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
If you approach it logically you'll have a greater chance of finding someone I feel. Also I'd look at those 3 "encounters" you've had as growing experiences for you and your gf. You may think they have been a waste of time but in reality, it's honing your skills.
Yes, I feel the same way. I think we've been too focused on finding someone for the triad that we forgot that the process was supposed to be fun... It has definitely been a chore, with too much drama and heartache. In fact, we've been pursuing simple friendships, just like you suggested Our thought is that, if we build on friendship, we may someday end up with a true, lasting relationship.

Thanks for all your good advice!
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  #22  
Old 03-22-2011, 12:56 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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Originally Posted by amobrasil View Post
You're so right. I myself was shocked and dismayed when my gf first approached me with the idea of poly. I was so conditioned to believe that love is jealous by nature, that I took great offense at her suggestion... But the idea simmered within me, and nearly a year later, I finally realized her intent was not to replace me but to build upon the foundation we already enjoyed. That's when I began to see the beauty of it. So, I can totally see how what you are saying is possible. (It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind anyway, right? Just kidding!!! lol)
Once you realize why we are monogamous is 99% down to social programming it makes you look at all the other programmings we have received. Too many people think their values are their own, when in fact they are merely what they were raised with.

The thing that makes me giggle is the people that go out looking for "new values" and new experiences. Then somehow rationalize their original values back into their life. "I went around the world, I saw all the cultures and religions, and you know what? I realize christianity is the right one". It's a powerful feeling in many people to conform to their childhood programmings, as nothing else feels "Right" like that does.

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Originally Posted by amobrasil View Post
Yes, I feel the same way. I think we've been too focused on finding someone for the triad that we forgot that the process was supposed to be fun...
I was the same for a while. Always looking at the end result happy days where we are all together, baking cakes and throwing flour at each other "no you stop!" . It took us over 3 years to find the right one..... so yah. Just think, at least you've got love with one person, luckier than some.
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  #23  
Old 03-22-2011, 02:51 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hey. I think I forgot to add that there are other threads on here if you do a tag search for "coming out" (geesh, losing my touch )

I would agree with Mono, there is not a lot of reason to come out for me really due to the fact that it isn't anyones business and just seems to complicate our sanity We usually tell people that Mono lives in our suite and that he is a good friend. They really don't need to know more. They probably think he is all heart broken that his marriage ended and doesn't ever want that kind of life again. Whatever. I don't really care. What really matters is what goes on for us and how we are in our dynamic.

You're right, live and learn and move on to something that works better.
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  #24  
Old 03-22-2011, 03:03 AM
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I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious about coming out. I'm in no rush when it comes to my parents. They support me financially but if I told them I was bi, kinky and poly, well, I'm not sure what would happen. Someday when they aren't paying bills for me, (hopefully soon!) I may decide to come out. But I'm in no rush. Some of my friends know stuff. If I feel they are trustworthy. I haven't had too many issues with people freaking out at me. But then again, I've been very choosy as to who I tell.

And asking if America is ready for poly isn't the only question. There seem to be a lot of people in poly relationships that may not actually be ready. I appear to have just been a victim of that. And I know I'm not alone there. I keep hearing stories about couples that try to give a go but really hadn't thought it through or weren't really comfortable. To be fair, I am biased right now.
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  #25  
Old 03-22-2011, 03:08 AM
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Remember that oft used phrase, "sexual revolution"?

It never happened.

As for coming out.... Perhaps we should tell family that we're "Poly-Cuddly," meaning we're happy to cuddle and snuggle with more than just one person--simultaniously or otherwise.

Nah. Never mind.
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  #26  
Old 03-22-2011, 04:16 AM
amobrasil amobrasil is offline
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Originally Posted by ray View Post
I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious about coming out. I'm in no rush when it comes to my parents. They support me financially but if I told them I was bi, kinky and poly, well, I'm not sure what would happen. Someday when they aren't paying bills for me, (hopefully soon!) I may decide to come out. But I'm in no rush. Some of my friends know stuff. If I feel they are trustworthy. I haven't had too many issues with people freaking out at me. But then again, I've been very choosy as to who I tell.
I do wish that we had not come out... It felt rushed and premature, and raised all kinds of hell. Oh well, too late now... At least we won't have to do it again!
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  #27  
Old 03-22-2011, 04:23 AM
amobrasil amobrasil is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Hey. I think I forgot to add that there are other threads on here if you do a tag search for "coming out" (geesh, losing my touch )

I would agree with Mono, there is not a lot of reason to come out for me really due to the fact that it isn't anyones business and just seems to complicate our sanity We usually tell people that Mono lives in our suite and that he is a good friend. They really don't need to know more. They probably think he is all heart broken that his marriage ended and doesn't ever want that kind of life again. Whatever. I don't really care. What really matters is what goes on for us and how we are in our dynamic.

You're right, live and learn and move on to something that works better.
Thanks for the pointer, I'll try it out Yeah, I like the roommate idea. And it would not be a lie, because the person really would be a roommate living with us
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  #28  
Old 03-22-2011, 04:24 AM
amobrasil amobrasil is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
As for coming out.... Perhaps we should tell family that we're "Poly-Cuddly," meaning we're happy to cuddle and snuggle with more than just one person--simultaniously or otherwise.
Haha, "poly-cuddly" - love it. I'm going to have to tell my gf that one!
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  #29  
Old 03-22-2011, 05:57 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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"Poly" wasn't the only issue here.

These "unicorns" were young...in their 20s...often an idealistic age....not always very realistic in terms of what the world "should" or "shouldn't" accept.
(Nothing wrong with idealism, per se, as I'm still called "Pollyanna" at 56 years old....but it has come at great cost to me at times!)

Their parents didn't know they were bi-sexual in some case, much less poly.

No...most of America isn't ready for poly. But much of America wasn't ready to give women and Blacks/African Americans the right to vote and to own property either. It didn't stop it from happening eventually, but there was certainly a lot of pain, loss, and sacrifice along the way. Many individuals paid a high price in speaking up for what they believed to be the right thing.
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  #30  
Old 03-22-2011, 07:40 AM
Kika Kika is offline
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Yeah, I do agree that our ďunicornsĒ were too young. I would love to find a girl in her 30ís, but it seems like most girls (out of the girls I have known) in their 30ís are already in relationships or not interested in relationships of any kind. I did meet a girl in her 30ís who was very interested in me. I was very happy because she seemed to have a lot of experiences. She even told me that she was in a triad before! I was very excited. But, about 10 minutes after talking, she wanted to sleep with me. Iím kind of shy, I mean, Iíve never ďbeenĒ with a girl. So, I tried to get her to slow down, but she was so pushy. Every five minutes she was trying to get into my pants! Then she started talking about how I was going to be her wife. We just met (O_O). Plus, I just donít like the term wife or husband for that matter. I feel that those titles imply ownership. I actually would much rather refer to ďmyĒ boyfriend as ďtheĒ boyfriend, because saying the word ďmyĒ makes me cringe. I hate the idea of owning a person. Anyway, I had to break up with her before we even started dating. Iím actually praying that I never have to go through that experience ever again. I felt very venerable and kind of unnerved. It also made me feel bad that she didnít want to get to know me. She just went on and on about my looks. I mean, Iím happy she thought I was pretty, but there is more to me than just skin, bones, and a vagina.


On another note, I too wish we would have never have came out. I actually thought it would be a good idea to come out because Mia did. The story goes like this: We asked her not to tell her mom, but she was very excited. Mia and her mom were very close. She honestly thought her mom would be excited for her. Once I realized Mia told her mom I told my mom. Not because I felt inspired too, but because I knew Miaís mom was going to freak out, call my mom, and tell her what a horrible person the BF is (everybody always thinks the triad is his idea, grrr). I wanted to call my mom and tell her about me being poly before Miaís mom got a hold of my mom. I was thinking it would be better if my mom heard it from me. Pffft, my mom and dad immediately started bashing the BF even though I told them the triad was my idea. OH, nothing infuriates me more than being undermined because of my gender. My parents are pros at it too. My dad didnít even talk to me about the poly thing. He went straight for the BF. Just because Amobrasil is a guy doesnít mean it was his idea. I remind my parents all the time that being poly and seeking a triad was my idea, but I still donít get the sense that they believe me. Itís so infuriating! Like being poked in the eye (>_o).
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