Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #111  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:07 AM
FlameKat's Avatar
FlameKat FlameKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: :P Cautiously looking around this new world that seems to fit...
Posts: 311
Default

For myself - it's easy... (accepting it is another thing entirely)

I love my fiance and am committed to him in every way...

I also love his best friend and wish I could have the same with him... at the same time.

_____________________________________

have you considered being upfront with this person? telling her for instance that you seem to have difficulty with committment, and may possibly be poly but that you dont know yet... that you dont want to hurt her but are very attracted to her and would like to deepen your relationship... but that you want to be comletely clear that you don't know whether you can commit or whether you may want other gf's during your relationship....

it may not be their cup of tea anyway... honesty can't be faulted though - ever.
__________________
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to

Engaged to my sweetheart, WaterWolf

my blog (non-poly) Pearls & Pixiedust



Last edited by FlameKat; 03-21-2011 at 06:08 AM. Reason: grammar/semantics... something pedantic anyway
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by amnesiac View Post
In virtually every relationship I've been in, particular over the past four years or so, I've experienced a tremendous amount of ambivalence and indecisiveness. as soon as I start reaching the point where I have to start to commit to something, I get this feeling that I'm "locked in" and just feel anxious and suffocated and have this really insistent worry about making the wrong decision... so you can imagine the effect that would have on any feelings I do have for someone. I feel like such a stereotypical guy in my phobia of commitment, and I don't like that.
Feeling locked in, trapped is fine. But understand poly does not make that feel easier. Being poly still requires commitment. It isn't easier because you can suddenly be with other people. I would say its harder sometimes. Relaionships take work...

Quote:
I'm sorry if this post is completely incoherent -- I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how do you know you're poly, as opposed to just having issues with commitment / decisiveness that need to be addressed in other ways?
I know I am poly because I love two women very deeply. Its hard to deny my polyness then. There is a bit of a machine that surrounds poly but the reality is, if you can love two people romantically, you are poly. What you do with that, is your business and relationship structure.

Don't confuse the freedom of poly with a lack of commitment
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:33 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I know I am poly because I love more than one person. I know I can achieve a poly relationship because I am good at time management, being able to step away from one person to be with another and give them the same amount of undivided attention as the other loves I have. I am able to consider all my partners as being equally valuable and worthy of my respect, honest communication, love and attention sexually and otherwise. that's pretty much it in a nut shell.

My husband is poly and he struggles with some of the above, that doesn't make him any less poly though... just more poly in theory and support... there is a difference. I don't know if he will always be the latter, but he is right now and is happy where he is at.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 03-21-2011, 08:30 PM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

It's entirely possible that you are poly but I would take a good look at why those feelings of fear occur. I don't think that they'd disappear in a poly relationship. Imagine how it might feel if you had multiple partners. Imagine if your partner had another lover. Is that what you want in life? Are you thinking about poly so that you can avoid dealing with your fears? Only you'll be able to answer. It sounds like your fears are substantial and regardless of whether you're poly or mono or something else, you'll need to work through them.
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 03-21-2011, 09:53 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,369
Default

You would be the one to know if you're poly or afraid of commitment. If you're afraid of commitment, being poly won't help (you need to commit to even more people!)
However, if your feeling of being trapped is due to "not being allowed" to have someone else, it could be that poly (or swinging) would be suited to you, or nonmonogamy in general, and I would suggest looking for a partner who knows and understands that.

I think the easiest way to figure it out would be to wonder if you've ever been in love with more than one person. Think about relationships, too, what feels best for you, being with one person at a time and ending the relationship to start a new one when it's too committed, or having several partners at once, or one with the option to have another one?
Would you be fine with just one relationship if it wasn't as committed?

Also, what would you qualify as committed? (Did I mention the word committed? :P) Is it the length of the relationship, or just a feeling, or is it more concrete things such as moving together, making plans for the future, etc...

I don't think there is a way for us to know if you are poly, and giving you tips might be hard because people don't always realise it in the same way or for the same reasons. On top of that, there are several types of poly, as well, so you might think that one doesn't work for you, and yet be poly, just better suited for another type.

Here are some example of types to help: You can have a single primary (person you have a serious relationship with) and other relationships that are less "important" for various reasons (less emotional involvement, less time spent with them, no plans together, etc). You can have several primaries, and they could be involved together, too (for instance a triad). You could have no primaries at all, only secondaries. You could be in a polyfi relationship, meaning you have several partners but you don't look for other people (similar to traditional monogamy but with more than one person).

Whichever works for you, there are mono equivalents for a lot of them (the first one could be equated to a fusional mono relationship. Another would be the equivalent to dating but not "planting roots", simply with more than one partner at a time...)
Reply With Quote
  #116  
Old 03-21-2011, 10:49 PM
amnesiac amnesiac is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 2
Default

Thanks, all, for your helpful comments.

Ariakas and ray, I absolutely agree that a poly relationship would involve at least as much commitment as a mono one, and for that reason wouldn't automatically solve the issues I've had in previous ones. I fear there is a part of me that wants to see polyamory as a "quick fix" to the worries I experience, but I don't fully trust that part of myself.

Tonberry, thank you for your thoughtful reply -- it's given me a lot to think about. I do think the feelings I have are partially due to "not being allowed" to pursue other people... but I don't know if that's all of it. In my life in general (i.e., non-romantically as well as romantically), I often struggle with indecisiveness, worry, and self-doubt. So this makes me think that that might be a more core issue, rather than it simply being a matter of me not being "wired for monogamy." But part of me does feel that I would be able to commit myself to a relationship more easily, and worry less, if I knew I was still open to have experiences with other people I might meet. I don't think I would even plan on actively pursuing other partners -- I think just the sense of that possibility not being closed off would be helpful to me. I'm not sure what that means, if anything. Part of me thinks it just means I'm selfish, not polyamorous.
Reply With Quote
  #117  
Old 03-22-2011, 01:36 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,369
Default

If it helps, I had some of that feeling too at some point. I think it was how I reacted to the traditional model, and rejected it. I didn't want to be with other people, I didn't intend to pursue them, but knowing it was off the table made me feel locked in, and it gave me some anxiety, too.
I looked up a lot of things about open relations, talked with my husband a lot, tried to figure out what was for me and what was not, and after taking a look at swinging (by looking at swinging websites, etc) and figuring it wasn't for me, I finally learned about polyamory, and it felt like so much more of a match for me!
After my husband and I opened up our relationship, I didn't meet anyone I was interested in for something like two years. Yet these two years were so different! I felt freer, happier, more myself.

It's hard to know if you are the same way or not. First, because monogamy is the norm, and poly people do tend to question themselves and think there is something wrong with them, so thinking these things doesn't exclude the possibility of being poly. Yet it might be true that your problem is not there.
However I would recommend not thinking about it as being selfish. I think as long as you are as honest as you can be with your partners, that's what matters. A relationship in which you're unhappy for the sake of someone else isn't going to be a good relationship for either party. And all relationships should have a part of selfishness: find someone who makes you happy, who matches what you want and need, and vice-versa. That's the foundation of relationships. Of course, that doesn't mean you leave as soon as something annoying happens, but a problem arises and you discuss it and try to address it, sometimes breaking up (or not going further) is actually the best solution for everyone.

I guess for now, no matter whether you are poly or not, you should probably warn any potential partner that you think you would be more comfortable with an open relationship, and then figure out together what you feel works for you (and I mean the two of you).
Reply With Quote
  #118  
Old 03-22-2011, 02:25 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I guess for now, no matter whether you are poly or not, you should probably warn any potential partner that you think you would be more comfortable with an open relationship, and then figure out together what you feel works for you (and I mean the two of you).
Agreed, really your won't know unless your try it out and see. Telling potential partners that you are unsure and new to it all is a great way to show you are humble, honest in your communication and care that they don't get hurt in the process.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #119  
Old 03-23-2011, 09:08 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 83
Default

"Relationship cold feet" is usually related to knowing inside yourself this person isn't the best person for you. They may be the best person you've found so far but yeah, there is a knowing that someone is just "fucking right" for you, if I can use the swears. And that can happen with more than one person, certainly.

You may just be more complex than most people and need a complex person to satisfy you.
Reply With Quote
  #120  
Old 03-23-2011, 11:16 PM
cuddinrick cuddinrick is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: NE. Ohio
Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
... because monogamy is the norm, and poly people do tend to question themselves and think there is something wrong with them,...
amnesiac

This is exactly the way I thought. Way back long ago I knew that I could love more than one lady, but the accepted theory said that it was impossible. If I REALLY loved someone then they would be enough and bells would ring and the universe would disappear and all that would exist for me would be that one woman, etc., etc. (that's probably over stating the theory a bit, but what the hell). I could see that it wasn't true, I could feel that it wasn't true, but I denied having those feelings because it just didn't fit with what I was taught. I had heard it said many times that the longer and harder I worked on the relationship the deeper the love would grow and the less I would want to be with other ladies...In other words I WOULD GROW UP! Never happened...after thirty years of being married to my wonderful wife I still love other ladies.

That's how I know that I could be poly. BUT! That's just me.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, cheating, coming out poly, commitment, defintion, description, descriptions, discovery, dissatisfaction, first time, happiness, history, introduction to poly, learning, mono poly, mono/poly, new to polyamory, opening a relationship, poly, relationship issues, scale

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:23 AM.