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  #11  
Old 03-21-2011, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post

And maybe I should post a new topic for this. I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted to me. Maybe I have hard time comprehending how Rob and I would be able to give so much of ourselves to more than one intimate partner, without somehow short changing the other.
No, it grows more-so, not less so.

Think of your brain.
We can choose to learn as much as we want in life. The more areas of our brain we open up, the more knowledge we acquire. Many times in life, we think to ourselves ;
" I can`t possible take in any more information ! "
Well, that might be true in the interim, but it`s not true over any period of time.

You don`t just learn in one manner, and forget about any other way of obtaining information. Many times, the more you learn, the more you want to learn.

So,..if there are parts of the brain we slowly open up to, and acquire more information as time goes on, then equate that to parts of the heart.

Now join them together.
*singing* The brain-bone is connected to the heart-bone....

The more you learn about your spouse, the more you will love them. It may be a tough love at first, but your love will grow...long as you always respect each other. The more you are able to learn about yourself, and those you love....the more respect is given.
When you are able to get through tough things together, and come out the other side,..love deepens.

So , say you are 'poly' and you have a new flame. That new flame starts out as NRE. Which is the beginning of feelings.
There may be tough times with your spouse, as you re-learn how to negotiate new principles, you never even knew exsisted before poly. However,...when you get to the good stuff....The compassion, the comperson, the sacrifice that feels strong, and not out of fear,...

Thats when that love that you thought was all you ever needed, .....grows.
Basically, you find new ways to love, you never new, until it hits you in that moment.

You love your new partner, for what new and exciting things they show you. You love your long-term partner, when you see the way they have chosen to grow and learn with you. The way they have been selfless, the way they have encourged you to be yourself. You love them for all the things they brought you at the beginning of the relationship,..as well as the things you`ve learned since then.


Everyday, my relationships remind me of why I love, who I love. I am humbled by their generosity, and appreciation. I am humbled by their ability to see that forrest through the trees. It makes me want to learn and love more.
As for time. 'Time' is a funny thing. It`s quality vs. quantity. Technically, love can be limited by time. Time spent wisely though, never limits love.

The more we learn. The more we know. The more we know, the more we are able to love what we know.
It`s really that simple / complicated.
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  #12  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:51 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Rita, one thing I've come across in my thought paths, that really helped me was this. While I was thinking that if another came in the picture, I kept feeling like it would be more or less a copy of what Jen and I have. That is not the case, and cannot be the case. What you and your hubby have is irreplaceable. The love that you share is immense. If anything, others that come in will be more of a supplementary relationship.

So don't think of it in terms of black and white, since it's pretty much never like that. It is sort of like friends. Different friends fill different roles in your life. I know it's not the same, but the concept is in line.
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  #13  
Old 03-21-2011, 08:28 PM
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I can only talk from personal experience, but my husband and I have become much closer and our relationship is more loving.

Time management is always an issue, but it's really a separate problem. We have to work to make sure there's enough time for all the loving.
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  #14  
Old 03-21-2011, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
Love is infinite?

If you consider that meeting someone takes time, and you only have limited time, you will see that love is indeed limited. The time you spend in bed on the Sunday morning with your existing love(s) is less time you spend finding new ones
you are talking time no? In my experience it is time that limits my love, or tries too. I can feel love and not express it because of time... that doesn't limit love though.

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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
It's why closed triads, and to some extent quads, make the most logical sense of all the polyamory relationship types. That said, any closed group of low enough size will have the same qualities but also have more potential for mishap as you increase the number of people in the group.
logical? maybe to you my friend. yes, more people seems to increase more potential for drama or mishaps as you put it.
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  #15  
Old 03-21-2011, 09:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think saying love is infinite is an exaggeration (I don't think you could possibly love everyone on the planet as a partner, for instance) but I do agree that its limit have to do with time, mostly.

I also think it depends on the people. I have seen people have only one child because they don't believe they'd be able to love two children as intensely as they love one (not that it's the only reason to have a single child, obviously!) and others who find they love their first child more when they have a second one. I've seen people who have only one or two friends and believe that if you have more friends, then they can't be really good friends, and others who have more friends and would feel like an island if they only had one good friend.

I think you can be "mono" in several forms of love. The only thing is that in our society, it's normal to be "poly" for some things (friends, family) and normal to be "mono" for some others (romantic relationships).
However, different people will be fundamentally one or the other in all of these types of love, I believe.

You can be thinking lovingly of several partners at once. You can also be in love as a general state, and not feel that you're in love with A specifically or B specifically. You're in love, that's your state of mind, and there are a number of people who contributed to that state (for instance A and B). Sometimes, being in love can feel more similar to being happy, and in this case you wouldn't say "who is making you happy? It can't be more than one person". Well it can, if they all contribute to it.

As for time, you can spend time with more than one person at a time. And giving your undivided attention? I'm sorry but it's never really the case with me. I'll always be thinking about things at the very least, and that takes some of my attention. During a date, I might be enjoying the food, and that takes some of my attention. It's even more obvious during a movie, and yet I might be holding hands at the same time and enjoying that.

I think people who think with that mono perspective tend to forget that you already give some of your time and/or attention to other things and people. You spend time at work, you spend time sleeping, you spend time enjoying your hobbies. You spend time with your family, with your friends, or on an Internet forum. It's quite possible to be mono and have much less time and attention to give your one partner than a poly person does with each of theirs.

And then sometimes there is a quality aspect to it as well. When you're together, especially for a long time, not all time spent together will be quality time. It could be spent doing the laundry while your partner is in the next room, or things like that. Yet when you have more partner, it's possible that the quality time is simply condensed. You spend less time with each partner, but it's also much more intense than it used to be. Things like that.

Ultimately, it will depend on the situation, the people involved, the type of relationship, but it's not as easy as "dividing" the amount of love by the amount of partners.
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  #16  
Old 03-21-2011, 10:33 PM
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I think saying love is infinite is an exaggeration (I don't think you could possibly love everyone on the planet as a partner, for instance) . . .
I think love is infinite - without a doubt! That, to me, simply means that it always there inside of us, never dries up (even though there are times we feel that way when hurting), and is accessible forever. It is infinite because of the fact that you can love, lose that love, and love again. It's not like we're thermometers with mercury inside us and if that thermometer breaks, we can't get the mercury back in. It is a bottomless pool because love is always there and is the connector among us and the people in our lives. The number of people we love isn't dependent on how much love we have, but how many people we choose to let in close enough to connect with that love. That infinite love.

Time, of course is limited. Our choices are limited. The number of people we can fit into our lives is limited. Love is not.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-21-2011 at 10:35 PM.
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  #17  
Old 03-21-2011, 10:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
What you and your hubby have is irreplaceable. The love that you share is immense. If anything, others that come in will be more of a supplementary relationship.
Interesting....can you explain that more? When I think of supplements, I think of something that we need because we are missing it. It is something that needs to be added because we are lacking in it. Rob and I talk a lot about this. I wonder if he realized he was poly because he felt he was lacking something with us. He needed that "supplement" because it was not something I could provide. But, he maintains that he is not lacking anything in our relationship. Poly would just bring more.

I am starting to understand a bit, after reading all of your posts, how it could be time management that would make me, or wonder if my partner feels, less loved. When they could be in my heart and I do care, but am just not able to be with them. That takes trust.
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  #18  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:06 PM
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Every person that I love is unique, and so is the way I love them. I wouldn't use the term supplementary. The comparison of one love to another is like apples to oranges.

I can't exchange one love for another. I don't find one lacking because I have another. I don't receive less joy from one because I have another. I don't love my love less because I love another.
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  #19  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
Interesting....can you explain that more? When I think of supplements, I think of something that we need because we are missing it. It is something that needs to be added because we are lacking in it. Rob and I talk a lot about this. I wonder if he realized he was poly because he felt he was lacking something with us. He needed that "supplement" because it was not something I could provide. But, he maintains that he is not lacking anything in our relationship. Poly would just bring more.
Supplement - something added to complete a thing, supply a deficiency, or reinforce or extend a whole.

It doesn't always mean a deficiency. I am not filling a deficiency by having my gf in my life. See Sourgirls definition above. Its dead on imo.

There are some poly people who look at poly as a way to fill the jigsaw puzzle of their love life. But not everyone views it this way.

Quote:
I am starting to understand a bit, after reading all of your posts, how it could be time management that would make me, or wonder if my partner feels, less loved. When they could be in my heart and I do care, but am just not able to be with them. That takes trust.
No matter how out of touch, or far away or distant someone is. If they love you, they love you. Just because you love someone else, doesn't take away from the other love.

Intimacy, time, physical connections.. etc.. those are all things that may be impacted by inviting someone else in to your life.
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  #20  
Old 03-22-2011, 12:13 AM
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Complementary, not supplementary.
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