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Old 03-21-2011, 06:16 AM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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Default Not sure if this is for me anymore?!

I'm not really sure where to start. I have posted a couple of times about my situation . (Names Changed except mine) I am married and together my husband and I have a girlfriend, Nicole. My husband met her at work and for awhile things were going OKAY. Honestly though, I think I have had more bad days than good. Where they both seem to have good days for the most part.

I have struggled with this SOOOO much. We have only been with her for three months..but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. Things have been okay as far as her living here, but I have been having doubts again and I almost feel like it's to late to do anything about it. Nicole has NO family here (in Texas) and has a very strained relationship with most of her family that is out of state. She does have a few friends here. She met my family this weekend and that seemed to go okay. The next day, however, my husband told his mother without any warning. (When my mother and mother in law talked..my mother expressed how she wishes Nicole would just go away ) I was so pissed off that he told his mother. I think mostly because it makes me see how serious he really is, that he would tell his mother of all people. She had NO idea I was even bisexual and in a way, I feel that it was not his place to tell her about that part of my life. He sees this as a forever thing with Nicole, and I don't.

My question is...what in the HELL do I do?? Everytime I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down its my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. (Because I tell him how bad she gets on my nerves and thinks everything she says is bullshit)

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me. I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for her like he does and I have TRIED! And I may not be the hottest thing..but I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type of girl and she acts so immature all the time. GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything since she lives here now??

I am 31, hubby is 27 and girlfriend Nicole is 24.
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Ugh, I hate when men say it's "just PMS" or our periods when we're upset. All it means is that he doesn't feel like listening to you! I don't really know what else to say except that it's really clear that more respectful communication is needed. For him to out you without discussing it first - how inconsiderate! And totally self-centered!

I just re-read some of your older posts. Is Nicole the gf who was afraid of being a third wheel back in December? The same one you felt you would rather be platonic with than romantic? Have you done anything to work on the issues underneath all the fights you were having with your husband?

I hate to say it but your husband sounds like he's got some unexpressed anger going on, and he's acting like a jerk. And you keep thinking you have to grin and bear it.

Tell him it's not your PMS - you want to be heard, deserve to be heard, and will not tolerate his dismissiveness! I think you definitely should have been fighting for your equality in this situation way before she moved in. It sounds like he made you accept her, he moved her in, he wants to call all the shots. You haven't really been that attracted to her for months now and have just been putting up with this situation. But it is your home as much as it is his, and you should have a say.

What is it going to take for you to assert yourself?

Does he come here to this forum? Maybe it would be a good idea to invite him and let him read what you've been going through if he won't fucking listen.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-21-2011 at 07:31 AM.
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:41 PM
MsWoodland MsWoodland is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
I'm not really sure where to start. I have posted a couple of times about my situation . (Names Changed except mine) I am married and together my husband and I have a girlfriend, Nicole. My husband met her at work and for awhile things were going OKAY. Honestly though, I think I have had more bad days than good. Where they both seem to have good days for the most part.

I have struggled with this SOOOO much. We have only been with her for three months..but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. Things have been okay as far as her living here, but I have been having doubts again and I almost feel like it's to late to do anything about it. Nicole has NO family here (in Texas) and has a very strained relationship with most of her family that is out of state. She does have a few friends here. She met my family this weekend and that seemed to go okay. The next day, however, my husband told his mother without any warning. (When my mother and mother in law talked..my mother expressed how she wishes Nicole would just go away ) I was so pissed off that he told his mother. I think mostly because it makes me see how serious he really is, that he would tell his mother of all people. She had NO idea I was even bisexual and in a way, I feel that it was not his place to tell her about that part of my life. He sees this as a forever thing with Nicole, and I don't.

My question is...what in the HELL do I do?? Everytime I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down its my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. (Because I tell him how bad she gets on my nerves and thinks everything she says is bullshit)

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me. I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for her like he does and I have TRIED! And I may not be the hottest thing..but I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type of girl and she acts so immature all the time. GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything since she lives here now??

I am 31, hubby is 27 and girlfriend Nicole is 24.
I was in a poly class years ago that explained "after the honeymoon" when it comes to these situations. It was a great class.
Poly throws in our face the problems we have in our marriage, because as we watch our mate have their honeymoon period with the newbie, its easy to feel we're the "old shoe" a bit as we think of our problems with them. They haven't developed problems yet...but will (nice to think we never will when it's all huggy and kissy face, but...lmao). If it's meant to be they will survive it like you and he did when their own issues arise. But they don't exist yet. It's too new! So it seems all fluffy bunnies between them, and it puts a spotlight on the issues you all have.

Now....As far as PMS, you must ask....no demand your mate in a kind way not to do that to you whether you are PMSing or not. If he won't, don't stay with him. Seriously. It sounds drastic, but man who step on boundaries are so not worth your time, no matter the level of love. Bringing up your Goddess cycle to shut you up in expressing your feelings, well it's rude, crude, and men who do it get what's coming to them. It lowers our self esteem too much. Many men don't get this, so you need to explain. Start out very nice, but demand at the same time! If he loves you, he'll understand when you declare it a boundary he cannot cross. You can't let up on this one. It's offensive. It's like saying to a man who might not be very endowed down South...."Aw...are you angry because your manhood is little and cute"? That's how bad it hurts me when men do it. I don't allow it...ever! I'll break up with a man who insists on such dishonor.

When you get into such things as this, it will be fluffy between them for a while. If you have a new man, you'll act the same probably, because y'all haven't had your problems yet either. It levels out.

To survive this, you must find joy in the smiles on your husband's face, knowing it's your understanding that gave that to him. Otherwise, you risk singling yourself out as they feel unloved by you. We don't mean to do that, but it's what can sometimes happen. If you let her into your husbands life, allow them their honeymoon period, just like you enjoyed with him. Don't take it away from them, or it could turn on you. Eventually, it will level out. Establish boundaries fast...all of you. Then stick to them.
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Old 03-21-2011, 08:16 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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There are some good threads on "moving in" and "living together" if you look around. there is a thread called "Mulit-partner co-habitation" too.

In a nut shell however, I think if I were in your situation I would not be calling this a triad, as it isn't one if you are not having a relationship with her other than sharing a partner... she sounds more like a metamour. Fine, but calling it like it is might mean that there is less confusion about responsibility and commitment.

Secondly I would be having her move out. She is not fitting in where she is at and I wouldn't of moved her in in the first place... I am not an advocate for moving lovers in when there has been no process and everyone is in NRE... I just have not seen it work out pretty much ever and hate to see people end up in pain...

As to the PMS thing? Bullshit. What the fuck is that shit? Seriously... talk about creating what he wants out of thin air. He sounds like he is showing off to relatives, being disrespectful and generally being selfish.

Ya, if this were me I would be laying it all out for both of them about how I feel, what I want to see happen and then realizing that I might have to move on myself if there is not a change.

The first move I would think would be to get my finances in order, find a place to stay and figure out what I want and how to say it in as polite and respectful a manner possible, knowing that I might have to put my foot down firmly... Life is too short to fuck around with selfish people who are not willing to consider my feelings.
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:18 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think your relationship with her doesn't have to be romantic. Over time, I came to the conclusion that triads are tough because everyone may not have equivalent feelings for each other. I think it is better to let it become a V than to try to force a triad.

Some good poly advise I have heard is don't move, don't move in and don't change jobs in the irst 6 months until the NRE wears off.
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:59 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me. I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for her like he does and I have TRIED! And I may not be the hottest thing..but I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type of girl and she acts so immature all the time. GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything since she lives here now??

I am 31, hubby is 27 and girlfriend Nicole is 24.
You aren't attracted to her
she annoys you

Ask yourself this, would you date her if your husband wasn't?

The assumption (almost always wrongly) is that a triad is going to be equal. It almost never is. It is usually lopsided or even broken. Thats the hardest part of a triad, the forcing of someone not interested in someone else. You can live with someone you aren't involved with. Unless of course you guys are sharing one room...

Maybe you need to let this become what it will become. A V. It might take some of the pressure off and in turn you might not find her as annoying.
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Old 03-25-2011, 04:43 AM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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Just wanted to send a quick reply to let you all know that we are trying to work on things. My husband refuses to let her go and said if she leaves there will be a huge chip on his shoulder. I stayed at a friend's for a couple of days and came back. I have no idea what the future holds for us at this moment, but right now just kind of going with the flow. I don't want to lose him and right now I can't leave.

Thank YOU for all your responses!
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Old 03-25-2011, 06:02 AM
Propast Propast is offline
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Hi Ambleew.
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your tough situation. There is always hope, and despite how it feels this is still early days. There is time to adjust patterns & behavior, but it takes work & courage & caring.

My response is clearly coloured and driven by my experiences, so please take that into account in your reading. You'll notice I advise investing in yourself and your combined communication early, and getting outside help, this is based on me waiting too long and trying to do it all myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie
I think you definitely should have been fighting for your equality in this situation way before she moved in. It sounds like he made you accept her, he moved her in, he wants to call all the shots. You haven't really been that attracted to her for months now and have just been putting up with this situation. But it is your home as much as it is his, and you should have a say.

What is it going to take for you to assert yourself?
Yes, yes yes! There are a lot of areas here where you're letting your needs (a.k.a. boundaries) get pushed or stepped on. This is high priority to correct early, trust me. I have finally learned that the only time you can assert yourself and "put your foot down" on boundary issues is immediate: the feedback and correction needs to be connected to the behavior, not brought up months later.

The hard part of this (for me) is twofold: WHERE to put my foot down, what are my key issues where I need to stand firm; HOW to do it in a firm but constructive way. I've got WHERE figured out, but HOW is harder - For me this often ends up in grueling fights when I put my foot down on the important things. Hopefully others can advise better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
My question is...what in the HELL do I do?? Everytime I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down its my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. (Because I tell him how bad she gets on my nerves and thinks everything she says is bullshit)

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me.
Hey! The positive thing here (yes there is one) is that you WERE working on standing up for yourself. You express the problems to him, congratulations!

Now the sad part. He's not listening. Worse, he's finding ways to redirect your assertiveness away (PMS comment) or just forces you to back down rather than helping adjust to meet your needs (which makes you feel powerless and not valued). That doesn't sound like it fits the poly ideal.

That's really got to change, and fast. I lived with this for years from my wife, and it didn't get me anywhere. "Therapy" may not be needed, but real advice from experts on communication and couples dynamics is needed to clean this up. Work with him (he needs to feel engaged) to find books or better yet WORKSHOPS on honest, safe and two-way communication. In this work, don't limit yourself to "poly" resources: It's not related to poly, its related to his/your communication skills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
We have only been with her for three months..but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. Things have been okay as far as her living here, but I have been having doubts again and I almost feel like it's to late to do anything about it.
Okay, so now this is the situation you are in. It's too late to change how you got here (can't go back and "assert" on your previous decisions). Now you need to apply assertiveness in the correct places to care for your needs. This'd be easier once you succeed in improving the communication flow (see above), but I don't think you want to wait.

What's the idea of her moving in: since it was just to to help her financially, was it just a temporary thing? If not clearly stated, you need to find a way to clarify with firm agreements & deadlines. This will be a hard situation to untangle. So many feelings & priorities now mixed up (her worries about shelter & money, their NRE, your feelings of boundaries crossed...). I suspect this will be more successful if you keep the discussion to facts & practicalities & dates rather than the fact that "YOU WANT HER F*ING OUT!"... let their relationship continue it's natural path in the respectful poly way, but without the added complications of her living with you both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
And I may not be the hottest thing..
Woah! This and other "reading between lines" has me very worried for your self-esteem. I too have been very low at times. This is a big topic, too big for here. Some overly-simplified basics: You can find, in your core, things to value about yourself. Spend some time for yourself to find them, strengthen those. Believe in them. Don't let the daily pains get in and destroy them. This is also an area where expert help can be valuable over finding your own way: local workshops on confidence, mindfulness, or self-esteem may help.

You are never trapped. RP suggested getting your finances in order and figuring out your living options. In negotiation terms, this is called your BATNA, "Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement," it makes you conscious of what happens if you must walk away. When standing up for yourself, having this firm internal ground to stand on will increase your confidence and calmness and clear-headedness, all vital here.

In the end, I say, don't give up and don't delay. Approach the challenge with love and courage, and ask them to do the same. Best wishes for you

Last edited by Propast; 03-25-2011 at 06:05 AM.
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Old 03-25-2011, 06:13 AM
Propast Propast is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
Just wanted to send a quick reply to let you all know that we are trying to work on things. My husband refuses to let her go and said if she leaves there will be a huge chip on his shoulder. I stayed at a friend's for a couple of days and came back. I have no idea what the future holds for us at this moment, but right now just kind of going with the flow. I don't want to lose him and right now I can't leave.

Thank YOU for all your responses!
Oops, you posted while I was writing my ludicrously long response.

Congratulations, sounds like you are making progress (choosing to leave for a while IS progress, and the talking IS progress).

I'd focus on reframing the "let her go" question, I discussed this a little already... Keep it about practicalities, the goal was to help her financially not permanently move her in, so the plan needs to focus about that. Don't attack their relationship. I suggest it is even positive for their relationship if they have more time for it to grow together without the complications of 3 people living together!
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Old 03-25-2011, 07:05 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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My advice is to do what's best for YOU.

He wants her. You don't.

He wants to stay with her. You don't want what's currently going on.

You have no right to make a decision for THEM (unless you and hubby have set up with veto - but that doesn't sound like its the case) but you do have a right to make a decision for YOU.

When my hubby was involved with someone - I had to, at the end of things, tell him that I would never ask him to choose - even though we had agreed on veto - I loved him too much to hurt him in that respect - however I had to make a choice for myself. And I didn't LIKE the choice that was becoming clearer, but it was the choice that was healthiest for me.

You need to make the choice that's healthiest for you.
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