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  #101  
Old 07-27-2010, 08:59 AM
violet violet is offline
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This is a strange question for me.

For me personally, love and sex are two very different things. I can have sexual feelings/attraction for many people; which I'm sure isn't even a foreign concept for some (or even most) mono's.

I have come to realize and understand that I cannot love more than one person in a conventional sense. In our relationship (HMA, Lana, Adrian, and I), HMA is my fiance and my soulmate I love him. My love for Lana is a sisterly love - it feels familial more than anything. I am 'in love' with her the same way I am my brothers and sisters. I haven't developed anything deep or meaningful with Adrian yet - she's still very new. I can, possibly, see myself coming to love her in a girlfriend-type way - someone who I enjoy dating and care deeply for, but not someone who is 'soulmate' or 'marriage' material.

However, that said, I completely understand the concept of total polyamory. HMA has the ability to fall in love with multiple women, and separate his relationships into meaningful one-on-one things. He has stated many times he would be happy being monogamous with me, but I know that isn't who he is at the core of his being and I trust him to care for all involved.

I would be unable to handle a poly relationship if I were not the 'primary' partner. I acknowledge this as an insecurity issue, but it doesn't concern me. I couldn't be a unicorn or a secondary, so I know better than to seek those relationships out or do anyone the disservice of trying it. lol

I suppose the tern "monoflexible" applies quite well to me!
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  #102  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:55 AM
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Coralinthium Coralinthium is offline
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Question I was wondering if you could answer some questions...

Um, hi everyone. I'm extremely new to the polyamory field; in fact, my first and only relationship was a polyamorous one. It started out with me and this guy meeting on a role play site, and in one of the threads, we first became friends when we basically said "Oh yeah, I'm going to RMU...OMG, you are too? Where?...OMG, we're in the same state! What city?...OMG yours is in driving distance from mine! Do you live in the same city as your school?...OMG YOU LIVE WITHIN DRIVING DISTANCE, THIS IS AWESOME!!" We acted like hyperactive idiots for a while after that because we had never found anyone else on the site that was in the same state and area as us, much less as the same college chain. Between making role play posts, we would chat some more, and the innuendos would be made, and eventually, we decided to meet up. That happened, and then I met one of his female friends from the site, and long story short, we all eventually fell for each other. Problem was, she and I eventually grew apart as girlfriends. It may have been the fact that she was in a different state than us, or the fact that our guy was in the hospital for a long time after he and I met up and talking to her on AIM every day was mostly about what she wanted to talk about, but whatever it was, we grew apart. Later, it got so that we weren't talking to each other (but not because of hate, mind you; we just didn't talk), and after our guy...had something happen to him, we just completely broke things off.

With that all said, I was actually hoping that there might be people who could help me out with some questions on polyamory. I know that I didn't exactly go into this relationship the right way, but I was wondering:

*If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject? If instead you were single but got into a poly, how did you get into said relationship?

*Which seems to work better: a poly where it's closed between a certain amount of people, or more of an open relationship that has ground rules set down? Or do they work about the same?

*Are there actually any "closed" polyamorous relationships where it's an MMF/MFM/etc. where the guys are bisexual? Or does it seem to work better with a guy and two females?

*How different is a poly from a mono relationship? How similar?

*Any tips/tricks/advice on how to keep one long lasting?

If my questions seem more like their leaning towards a "closed" relationship instead of an "open" one, it's just what I've felt I would be more comfortable with, but I'm not above learning about open relationships as well. This is all I can think of for now, and I'm sorry if I seem ignorant about polyamory. I've just never actually found a place where people can give advice and help out before, since for some reason I kept thinking that I would just get information sites and would be unable to find help from those who are/were in a poly. Also, if this is in the wrong forum, please forgive me for that. Thanks for your time.
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  #103  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:20 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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  #104  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:25 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Hello and welcome.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
I was wondering:

*If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject? If instead you were single but got into a poly, how did you get into said relationship?
I got lucky. My secondary (Possibility in other posts of mine) already had two primaries so we didn't have to have that discussion.

Quote:
*Which seems to work better: a poly where it's closed between a certain amount of people, or more of an open relationship that has ground rules set down? Or do they work about the same?
You'll hear this a lot but it really depends on the people involved in the relationships. One commonality, though, is that ground rules or boundaries should be set. You can think of them as guidelines. You each know what the others expect ahead of time so there aren't any unpleasant, or fewer unpleasant, surprises down the road.

Quote:
*Are there actually any "closed" polyamorous relationships where it's an MMF/MFM/etc. where the guys are bisexual? Or does it seem to work better with a guy and two females?
I'm sure there are closed triads like that but I haven't been knowingly exposed to them. Possibility is in an MFM open relationship and is bisexual.

Quote:
*How different is a poly from a mono relationship? How similar?
There are a lot of similarities actually. All relationships need communication, trust....sorry, phone rang & lost my train of thought.

The differences can be dramatic, especially when viewing them from the monogamous mindset. More than one lover is the most dramatic difference.

In a poly relationship you have to deal with things like jealousy a lot more often than otherwise (unless you have a very possessive monogamous partner).

Opening your heart, mind and life to the possibilities in a polyamorous relationship can be the most difficult thing to do but it can also be the most life altering & freeing experience of your life. I have never been happier than I have been since I started dating Breathes (primary partner). I thought I couldn't be any happier until I added Possibility, and his family, to my life. It kind of makes me wonder what would happen if I were to add someone else to my life!

Quote:
*Any tips/tricks/advice on how to keep one long lasting?
Communicate, communicate, communicate!!!! If there's a small problem talk about it before it turns into a big problem which can turn into a bigger problem, ballooning until it's no longer recognizable as the little problem it started out as.

Active listening. Give your partner your undivided attention when you talk with them. Look them in the eye, let them know you're listening to them and actually hearing what they are saying. If you're unclear on something ASK them. If you're hearing one thing but think they mean something else ask them if what you are hearing is what they mean.

Quote:
If my questions seem more like their leaning towards a "closed" relationship instead of an "open" one, it's just what I've felt I would be more comfortable with, but I'm not above learning about open relationships as well. This is all I can think of for now, and I'm sorry if I seem ignorant about polyamory. I've just never actually found a place where people can give advice and help out before, since for some reason I kept thinking that I would just get information sites and would be unable to find help from those who are/were in a poly. Also, if this is in the wrong forum, please forgive me for that. Thanks for your time.
You are most definitely in the right place .

I can give links to other sites, etc. if that's what you want, most people here can, lol.

You might want to do a site search for anything specific you might have a question about.
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  #105  
Old 09-26-2010, 02:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Coral,

Lots of questions there

Some (or all) could be a book in themsleves. Read threads here (and search) as much as possible.

I'll offer my view (short ver) if it helps get you started.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
................... but I was wondering:

*If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject? If instead you were single but got into a poly, how did you get into said relationship?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium;45926*
Which seems to work better: a poly where it's closed between a certain amount of people, or more of an open relationship that has ground rules set down? Or do they work about the same?
There's total variation in this - from totally closed to totally open. It depends on the individuals. And one of the primary determinants relate to self confidence and banishing jealousy from their person. Harder for some than others but a requirement.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Are there actually any "closed" polyamorous relationships where it's an MMF/MFM/etc. where the guys are bisexual? Or does it seem to work better with a guy and two females?
Absolutely there are - of all different configurations (MMF, FFM, quads, quints you name it !) In my experience it seems easier in the MFM situation, and yes even easier if the guys are bi. Men, for whatever reason (broad statement) seem to be able to park jealousy and weigh the benefits easier than women do. (there will probably be someone call me on this - but it's a general statement numbers would bear out)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*How different is a poly from a mono relationship? How similar?
In a lot of ways NO different ! Except for the numbers. Good relationships of any kind require certain elements be present including honesty, trust, good communication, self confidence etc. No different with poly - unless you consider that you need MORE of them because of the numbers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Any tips/tricks/advice on how to keep one long lasting?
Same as above. Sharpen your communication and people skills. Learning a little more about human psychology doesn't hurt either.

Feel free to toss out questions you come up with. Lots of great people hanging out here with experience and perspectives from a wide range of possibilities.

GS
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  #106  
Old 09-26-2010, 05:04 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject?
I myself didn't really know what I was... Or if there was something wrong with me. But my husband knew about my past relationships from the very start, and that I had always had several partners at once, although I had only had casual relationships. I think it made things easier.
I read about swinging first and that's how I brought the subject, thinking maybe that was was it was, but later I realised it wouldn't work very well for me, as my casual relationship had always left a bitter taste in my mouth (and I don't mean semen >.>).
I think I need a strong emotional attachment and to get one in return. When I heard about polyamory I knew it was me right off the bat, I was glad to have found what it was, I told Ragabash and we worked from there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Which seems to work better: a poly where it's closed between a certain amount of people, or more of an open relationship that has ground rules set down? Or do they work about the same?
I assume it depends on the people. In our case we started by establishing ground rules and then pretty much threw them out the window and went "we'll deal with things as they happen". The only "rule" we have is to be honest and tell everyone if we're interested in someone before pursuing that relationship.
It's a bit hard to tell if we're closed or open... I guess we're open in that there is always the possibility of us getting interested in someone and wanting a relationship with them, and closed in that we're not actively looking for anyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Are there actually any "closed" polyamorous relationships where it's an MMF/MFM/etc. where the guys are bisexual? Or does it seem to work better with a guy and two females?
There seem to be, yes. I'm the hinge of a MFM myself currently but they're both straight and not involved with each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*How different is a poly from a mono relationship? How similar?
The main difference is not feeling like you have to hide things and feeling guilty for them. In a mono relationship, if you like someone, you tend to feel ashamed and try to hide it from your partner. If they find out, people will understand them for being upset and consider you've done something wrong. Of course depending on the level of jealousy, your partner might not be upset as long as you don't pursue it.
With a poly relationship, you can tell your partner(s) about someone you like, like you'd talk to your best friends. They can help you, give you tips, cheer on you, comfort you, depending on the situation. And you can feel good about your feelings, even when it wouldn't be practical or reasonable to do anything about it.

The rest is pretty much the same, but with more balance and sharing your time between people. Although that happens in a mono relationship too, except in a mono relationship you juggle between friends, your job, your hobbies and your one partner, in a poly relationship you also juggle between partners. And just like your friends might have prior plans with other friends, your partner might have prior plans with another partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Any tips/tricks/advice on how to keep one long lasting?
Talk about issues as soon as they appear, don't try to ignore them. Be honest about your feelings, but also try and understand where the others are coming from. Make sure not to neglect one partner, and don't assume your partners work the same way: just because one of them needs lots of snuggles to feel appreciated, for instance, doesn't mean that it's what the other needs.
Sharing your time and attention in a fair way isn't the same as sharing it evenly, as different people will want and need different things. Don't make the mistake of wanting to mirror everything from one partner to the next in the hopes of "treating them the same". Don't treat them just the same, they're different people, find what works with them as individuals.

I have a question, too. It seems you might mean "closed" and "open" in a different way than what is commonly the case. Do you use "closed" for relationships where everyone is involved with everyone? For instance a triad would have 3 people all involved, and be drawn as a triangle, or "closed" shape, while a vee would be shaped like, well, a V, which is an "open" shape, is that what you mean?
Because commonly, "open/closed" means open/closed to new/more partners.
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  #107  
Old 09-26-2010, 08:26 PM
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Coralinthium Coralinthium is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I have a question, too. It seems you might mean "closed" and "open" in a different way than what is commonly the case. Do you use "closed" for relationships where everyone is involved with everyone? For instance a triad would have 3 people all involved, and be drawn as a triangle, or "closed" shape, while a vee would be shaped like, well, a V, which is an "open" shape, is that what you mean?
Because commonly, "open/closed" means open/closed to new/more partners.
Ah, sorry about that. I should have been a bit more specific. Yes, I meant open/closed as open/closed to new/more partners. My mistake on that.

And thanks to everyone who's answered my questions so far. You've been great with helping me understand a bit more about polyamory, and thank you so much with that.
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If we have enough love in our hearts for more than one friend and more than one family member, then why are we told that it's crazy to have enough love for more than one lover?
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  #108  
Old 09-27-2010, 02:39 AM
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openmarriagelove openmarriagelove is offline
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I really only feel comfortable answering your first question: If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject? If instead you were single but got into a poly, how did you get into said relationship?

I approached my husband and told him I was drowning in our marriage as it is. Explained that I didn't want to leave him but I couldn't continue this way. Through talking we realized that he would spend some time learning about it and processing it and I gave him his time and we started off where it was just sexual for me, but then I realized I was more poly where I could have feelings for more than one person and he grew with me in that area. I guess I'd just suggest open and honest, it's the best way to go. Be prepared however if your partner just can't get on the same boat you are on. I always say I don't know what would have happened if he wasn't as amazing and open minded as he is. Good luck
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  #109  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:50 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject? If instead you were single but got into a poly, how did you get into said relationship?

*Which seems to work better: a poly where it's closed between a certain amount of people, or more of an open relationship that has ground rules set down? Or do they work about the same?

*Are there actually any "closed" polyamorous relationships where it's an MMF/MFM/etc. where the guys are bisexual? Or does it seem to work better with a guy and two females?

*How different is a poly from a mono relationship? How similar?

*Any tips/tricks/advice on how to keep one long lasting?

If my questions seem more like their leaning towards a "closed" relationship instead of an "open" one, it's just what I've felt I would be more comfortable with, but I'm not above learning about open relationships as well.......

Also, if this is in the wrong forum, please forgive me for that. Thanks for your time.
*most people come to it because they hear about it, open their relationship and find that "casual" just doesn't suit them, they fall for someone else and are blindsided and don't want to cheat so they tell their partners, have lots of people they date and call it poly, etc... there can be many reasons.

*I think the possibilities are endless when it comes to poly relationships. i don't think what you talk of is common, but I wouldn't rule it out. You can make your relationship dynamic whatever you want.

*you'd have to read the endless amounts for stuff on here about mono and poly relationships to see the differences. Healthy relationships are based on trust, respect, empathy, honest communication and love/care for another or others... that's the similarities i know of.

*practice the above mentioned ways of having a good relationship... that is my advice. Keep at it, it's a journey not a destination, and read the stickies and do some tag searches to find out more... I suggest looking at a post on here

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858
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  #110  
Old 03-21-2011, 05:55 AM
amnesiac amnesiac is offline
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Default How do you know you're poly?

In virtually every relationship I've been in, particular over the past four years or so, I've experienced a tremendous amount of ambivalence and indecisiveness. as soon as I start reaching the point where I have to start to commit to something, I get this feeling that I'm "locked in" and just feel anxious and suffocated and have this really insistent worry about making the wrong decision... so you can imagine the effect that would have on any feelings I do have for someone. I feel like such a stereotypical guy in my phobia of commitment, and I don't like that.

So lately I've been wondering whether all of these feels of ambivalence and worry I have associated with my monogamous relationships might indicate that I might be better suited for polyamory. I'm really not convinced that it does indicate that -- I think it might just indicate that I have deeper issues regarding relationships that I have to resolve somehow. and that there's a chance I might only be attracted to polyamory as a band-aid for these issues. (For instance, I'm aware that a poly relationship still requires commitment, just as a monogamous one does).

And at the moment, there is someone who I do have feelings for and could get involved with... I chose not to, but now am regretting that decision, and wondering whether I could have a conversation with that person about trying a poly / open relationship. I think she might be open to it, but the last thing I want to do would be to do that for the wrong reasons. I don't want to persuade this person who I care about to enter a poly relationship with me if the real reason I want that is because I'm just not capable or not sure enough about her to make a commitment.

I'm sorry if this post is completely incoherent -- I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how do you know you're poly, as opposed to just having issues with commitment / decisiveness that need to be addressed in other ways?
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