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  #11  
Old 03-17-2011, 05:52 AM
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I don't want to be negative, as you say you are trying to be as positive as possible, but there are some questions I wondered if you had asked yourself. Often people get into triads and in time find that two of the people involved want to spend more time together alone, are more attached at different times than others... a vee can often form out of a triad as two of the members find they are not as attached "that" way as they thought they were or as the NRE wears off.... what are your thoughts on the future if any or all of these scenarios come up?

It sounds like perhaps the new rule for you is that they don't have time together alone. Is this negotiable? A boundary that you have right now? Or is this firm for you? I can understand if it is! After all they deceived you and treated you very poorly. They don't have the integrity to be trusted at the moment. It makes sense to me that you want them in view at all times. I just wondered if you are going to be capable of allowing the natural flow of one on one time to emerge at some point?

It makes me so irratated when people who have cheated think that they should hurry their partners along to get up to speed... grrrr what is that!? So selfish and uncaring... where is the consideration and compassion for what you have been through with that... take all the time you need PLove, I don't see how either of them have any rights to anything just yet. It's been a month... maybe next year some time they can be a little anxious to get going? Seriously, this is going to take a long time I think... it sounds like his comments on your lack of perfection were the start of something really damaging... and now there is a shit load piled high on top of you that you are suppose to "rush" through?

I think you are going at a good pace and can go at what ever pace you want... you might at some point find you are in need of going slower because I would think some of this will catch you up at some point. The moment they do something or something happens that you perceive is deceitful, you may just halt entirely. That is okay too. It's in your best interest to make damned sure that you are going to be okay in this. There is nothing but time to do that in I think. I would hope that they understand the magnitude of what they have created for all of you and do everything in their power to make it right. Not only for you, but for themselves...
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  #12  
Old 03-18-2011, 12:19 AM
PLove PLove is offline
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TP--I did talk with both of them about the trust issue and they definitely understand where I'm coming from. Writing that here helped me articulate that better for myself and for them.

RedPepper--you bring up some good points. In fairness to both my husband and the new partner, I've been the one to some extent has been "pushing" things in the sense that I'm afraid that if I move too slowly for them, they will just do things behind my back anyway, so I'd rather move quickly but have it out in the open where I can see it. I can see that that is not smart for anyone, but particularly for me.

My husband told me tonight that he's OK with slowing things down--in fact he thinks we need to, not only for me, but also because he needs time himself to really explore where this is going without the pressure of the lies and cheating making him think he has to make some kind of important choice.

The issue of them spending time alone came up tonight too. I feel like I need to give them that time and space to see what's going on, although I won't deny that there's a part of me that's worried about giving that space. It feels like a huge risk right now, but I don't know any other way to handle it.

One thing that has been clear to me is that this has trigged in me feelings that I'm not good enough. Many of these feelings are a result of my own psychology and the issues I have to deal with and I'm working on those. Some of the feelings have been caused by the fact that my husband did communicate to me over the years when he's had "crushes" on other women that it was because I wasn't like them--he wanted me to do or be more like them. So it can be hard to change the messages that I hear, even when he's being clear now that this isn't what he's saying or feeling. Seven and a half years vs. 6 months--it's a time thing.

Ultimately in some ways it feels like I'm trying to control a situation that feels out of control to me. So I say I'm ready for them to have some deeper level of involvement because I think that's what they want, because I'd rather know what I'm dealing with rather than worrying that things are happening behind my back.

It's so hard to separate out right now those parts of my feelings that are my own issues that I need to deal with and those parts that are the issues that they created because of how things started. This then makes it hard for me to know where my responsibilities in this begin and end, and where it's "reasonable" for me to expect certain things of them.

Again--I have to be clear that since the truth was revealed, they have been respectful of my feelings and have not been pushing me. I completely acknowledge and appreciate that. But I know they have their own frustrations too, so trying to balance and accommodate things in this tricky new landscape is a challenge.

Thanks so much for the advice and questions--the more I participate here, the more clarity I get about my own feelings and what I can reasonably expect for myself in this situation. I really appreciate how everyone here is focused on doing the right, loving and respectful thing. That makes a huge difference in helping me see polyamory as a viable life alternative for me.
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  #13  
Old 03-18-2011, 01:23 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Hi, PLove!
Actually, I think that you're handling this rather well. I'd just like to throw in a few ideas that may or may not be pertinent.

1) Jealousy is something that was sold to most of us as a necessary ingredient of true love. Don't expect to get rid of it overnight.

2) You write that your husband is a member here. Has he read this thread? Have you talked about the comments you're getting here - as well as what you're expressing yourself? Is she on here as well?

3) I'm a big fan of the two more distant members of a V (or in your case a triad) making an effort to get to know and develop their relationship independently of the middle-man (or -woman). How would you feel about a "girls' night out" with her? (Just for starters.)

4) You seem to have dealt with this point positively with your husband, but they both need to be clear that they both cheated on you and they both have to work on regaining/winning your trust. This is not a matter of punishment or paying for their past crimes, but of repairing bridges. Anybody who prefers to drive over a shaky bridge rather than repairing it is asking for trouble.

5) Having said that, I see signs of your husband's maturing. One is accepting his responsibility for the hurt that he's caused you. Another is that instead of asking you to become like the women that he finds (momentarily?) attractive (criticising you), he is accepting that he can't get everything he wants from you, but can love you as you are and get some variety from the other woman. (The serial-monogamous solution was "throw the old banger away and get a new model... then another one... then another one...") Another is agreeing to proceed at your pace.

6) TruckerPete has already mentioned this, but I want to agree: that although you're the one who's new to their relationship, she's the one who's new to yours and his. This isn't one of those cases where one person holds all the aces in their hand. As long as all 3 of you are willing to work on it... to be willing to want to trust each other and build on that hope for a healthier relationship, I think that you stand a fairly good chance. It might - as RedPepper points out - develop into a V. But isn't even that an improvement on being traded in for the new model... or continuing to be cheated on?
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  #14  
Old 03-18-2011, 11:46 AM
PLove PLove is offline
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Hi Mr Far From Right--a couple of responses to your questions.

First--My husband has been reading the thread and I've also been talking with him about my feelings as I process them. We've shared the forum with his GF, but not sure if she's been on here or read anything yet.

Agreed that it makes sense for she and I to spend some time together alone, which is something we're planning to do. We've had drinks together a few times, but I think we need some more intense "bonding time" to get to know one another better as people. Although we're open to the possibility of this being a triad, in reality it's still definitely a vee--she and my husband have the much stronger bond.

I also wholeheartedly agree that we need to work on the trust issues AND that my husband is maturing in this. It's been a process for both of us, breaking out of old ways of doing things and old mindsets.

Probably what has been most valuable to me in this thread is receiving validation from people about the impact that the cheating has had on my thinking. You've all really helped me separate out those aspects of my feelings that are related to needing to rebuild trust and those that are more about my own insecurities. I think that if we can build the trust, moving at a pace that indicates they are willing to work with me on the trust, I can move to a place where I'm comfortable allowing the relationships to evolve in the ways that they need to, including having it be a vee if that's what they want.
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  #15  
Old 03-18-2011, 12:30 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PLove View Post
[...] Although we're open to the possibility of this being a triad, in reality it's still definitely a vee--she and my husband have the much stronger bond.

I also wholeheartedly agree that we need to work on the trust issues AND that my husband is maturing in this. It's been a process for both of us, breaking out of old ways of doing things and old mindsets.

Probably what has been most valuable to me in this thread is receiving validation from people about the impact that the cheating has had on my thinking. You've all really helped me separate out those aspects of my feelings that are related to needing to rebuild trust and those that are more about my own insecurities. I think that if we can build the trust, moving at a pace that indicates they are willing to work with me on the trust, I can move to a place where I'm comfortable allowing the relationships to evolve in the ways that they need to, including having it be a vee if that's what they want.
"she and my husband have the much stronger bond" Do you mean much stronger than the bond between you and her or (in addition to that) much stronger than the bond between you and him? In case you feel the latter, please remember that your bond with him goes back over a longer time. Both you and he should be aware of the inebriating effects of New Relationship Energy (NRE) and take that into account.

Something I left out in my original comment on jealousy (I talked about this on another thread [my second comment here] - with an example from my past - and I think that it's pertinent to your case): I differentiate between jealousy as insecurity and "jealousy" as in a sense of being treated unfairly and shabbily by someone who's supposed to love you. I gather that you've also recognised the distinction between the two. Let's hope that by dealing with the (in my opinion justified) second kind with the other 2 in this thrango [it takes two to tango, it takes three to thrango], you can lessen your hold on the first (less "justified" because you are worth it, so you shouldn't feel insecure [but I KNOW! It takes time...])
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- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
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  #16  
Old 03-18-2011, 01:19 PM
PLove PLove is offline
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Mr Far From Right--I was comparing the bond between the GF and my husband and the bond between her and I. They've obviously had a relationship for longer than she and I have and have built up their feelings for one another. She and I are in a very different place that may or may not help all of us evolve into a triad. For now it is definitely a vee.

I hear you on the differences in the two types of jealousy and I do feel like I can see the difference in those. Since things have come out into the open, neither one of them has treated me poorly. In fact, they've tried to be as sensitive as possible. That doesn't negate lingering feelings, of course, from when they were keeping things from me.
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  #17  
Old 03-18-2011, 03:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PLove View Post
TP and GS I think you're both bringing up what, for me, is probably the biggest issue right now--building back the trust that was lost over months of lying to me....................

....Trust is something that you build up over time with people, and unfortunately my introduction to her was based on a massive betrayal of my trust, so that's a big stumbling point that I haven't really been seeing well.

............... I'm not sure that my feelings really are about jealousy. I think they are more about a feeling that I won't know the truth of what's going on so that I can be an equal participant in the relationship with the three of us.

.............Although my husband and I are a couple because of our history and marriage, they are a couple based on their deceptions. I'm worried that that form of "couple-hood" may supersede my marriage.

Hi Plove,

Surrounding some of the stuff you wrote (quoted above), I'll just toss out something we've talked about a few times in other places.

I guess you'd call it 'forgiveness'. Or just hitting the RESET button

Because here's the deal and this is NO form of cop-out or cheap justification.
When dealing in stuff like this (exploring/balancing multiple attractions/relationships) very, very few people have any experience or point of reference to do it any other way than they've seen it done for millennia.
You hide it - out of fear. Fear of hurting someone you love. Fear of losing them. Fear of simply not knowing how else to proceed with this !

The guilty party here is really ignorance more than anything. If you can find it in your heart to accept this you'll find that the mistrust etc will go away a lot quicker and the trust you now all desire will be a lot easier to build. Because now you believe you can actually sit down and talk about it ! Not have to hide it. Big difference.

We just (in general) don't have the proper background to navigate polyamory in the best way. We've never seen it in action before and nobody taught us how to do it properly. But hopefully that's changing and resources such as this are making a big contribution to that.

So if this makes any sense to you, maybe you can really hit that reset button and start again - forgetting the past. Everyone now has some lessons behind them. Things can be dramatically different in the future - if you can put the past in it's proper place. In the past.

Good luck.

GS
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  #18  
Old 03-18-2011, 04:13 PM
PLove PLove is offline
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GS--really good points here. I very much appreciate that and can see what you're saying. Thanks for giving a different perspective!
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  #19  
Old 03-20-2011, 08:00 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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PLove, I chime in with Mr...Right. Although maybe not a girls' night out, but a girls' weekend out! Do you feel there might be an interest or hobby you share with her that you could pursue together, or would you be willing to develop a one?

I think one of the biggest hurdles in the way of most triads is the idea that WE NEED TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER! Or otherwise it's no triad.

Wrong! Although it might feel most comfortable, staying on your comfort zone is basically no longer an option if you are a previously monogamous couple who has decided to explore polyamory. Interacting with two people at the same time, even if it's just talking about inconsequential things, takes up way more energy than one-on-one. Especially if you all the time have to guess at whether somebody is feeling left out, or if the two others are secretly wishing you'd just go away so they can get to it.

Spend relaxed no-pressure time doing something else than processing with each of you partners individually is my advice. Part of the beauty of polyamory for me is that you don't need to like all the things your partner likes and want all the things they want, because both of you can have your needs met elsewhere. This is not an excuse to have a shoddy foundation, but I do find it takes some of the pressure out of dating at least when you don't have to constantly do calculations in your head on whether this is a person you are more compatible with than any other person in the world could ever possibly be.
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