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  #1  
Old 03-20-2011, 04:40 PM
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RitaFire RitaFire is offline
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Default Spreading the love around: does love lessen with more partners.

I can't tell you how much I do appreciate everyone's willingness to share their experiences here. thank you!

This struck a chord with me:

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Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
and by that i don't mean i'd rather have half of him than none
And maybe I should post a new topic for this. I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted to me. Maybe I have hard time comprehending how Rob and I would be able to give so much of ourselves to more than one intimate partner, without somehow short changing the other.
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Old 03-20-2011, 05:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
I can't tell you how much I do appreciate everyone's willingness to share their experiences here. thank you!

This struck a chord with me:



And maybe I should post a new topic for this. I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted to me. Maybe I have hard time comprehending how Rob and I would be able to give so much of ourselves to more than one intimate partner, without somehow short changing the other.
This comes up every once in a while. Some people believe that adding more love, adds to the total love. Thereby no diluting the love at all.

Some do in fact have a hard time grasping the ability to romantically love more than one. Thinking it dilutes the love for the other. Further to that there is some internal analysis that there is different kinds of love. Lust, crush, long term stable etc. So one never overlaps the other.

And then there are others who believe you can have different silos of love for people. I probably fall in line with this one more than anything. I love both people I am involved with deeply. One doesn't take away from the other. The only limited item is time itself.

There are probably many more options, but those are the main three I have noticed over the last two years.
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Old 03-20-2011, 07:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Different poly couples get different things out of having another partner or partners.

Since my gf and I are both bi, we both crave men for obvious reasons. Also, I was in a 30 year marriage before I met her, and now that I dumped him, I wanted to play the field, experience attraction, sex, have some laughs and maybe someday some true love with a suitable guy.

My gf is male to female transgender and has only started living fulltime as a woman for 2-3 years. She's always been poly and dated both genders (and a few in between) when she was androgynous, but now she's loving having a bf because it's gender affirming. Also she loves the taste of hetero-privilege she gets when they go out in public. She's tiny, 5'4", and he's massive, 6'5" and burly. No one gets to mess with her or question her gender without going past her bf!

(When we go out we are usually mistaken for mother and daughter because of our age gap. I'm 55 and she's 33. Her bf is only 35, so they make a cute MF couple.)
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Old 03-20-2011, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted to me.
While time itself is limited, love is not. The trick is to be fully present with the people you're with -- not thinking about someone else or the chores you need to do, but fully engaged -- and even an hour can feel like a lifetime. Give your full attention to someone when you are with them and they will not be shortchanged. If they feel that way, it is not always something you do that causes that. If you feel shortchanged, it isn't always lack of attention, but a belief you hold that what you're getting is not enough.

Don't you have other people in your life that you love? Family, children, friends? Love is a deeper pool than you imagine.
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:51 AM
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Don't you have other people in your life that you love? Family, children, friends? Love is a deeper pool than you imagine.
Yes, but with them it is a different kind of love than what I share with my husband, or what would be shared with an intimate romantic partner.

My thinking has been that I need and want to give all of my romantic, intimate, love to one man if he was my husband, or committed partner. When I was dating and not in a committed exclusive relationship, I did not have a problem with having more than one "love" at a time, and maybe could have been considered poly in some of my dating situations. But I also admit that I did not necessarily become as close emotionally to these men if I was not in a committed exclusive relationship with them. I held back.

Poly and marriage is something that is difficult for me to grasp. But I am trying to understand it. I again want to thank everyone for sharing their situations with me, and their insights. I does help me a lot.
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Old 03-21-2011, 05:00 AM
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Love is infinite, time is not. When I have been in monogamous relationships and spent every moment with the person (my ex wife and I) I had the same amount of love for her as I do now. Actually its grown since then... I am amazed at how much it grows! Once unleashed it is incredible. When I was with monogamous loves and them only I felt as if my love was stifled and controlled somehow... like it was leashed. Now that I believe in abundance, and not scarcity in love and friendship and happiness and a whole lot of other areas in my life I am open beyond what I thought I would ever be and sometimes it overwhelms me. I have to enfold back in on myself sometimes and remember that that love needs to be enfolded back into me also.

Time is not infinite, there is not enough time. People say that, but that is also a way of thinking... time stands still when I am with those I love and speeds up when I am at work. at least I try to make it be so some days. It is all about investment for me. I invest in every moment with my loves. I didn't do that in monogamous relationships. I kind of went along in a dull haze doing every day stuff mostly with them just being there with me in that. Now I do that, but when its time to spend with a love I concentrate and invest everything into the moment... I love them with everything I have for the time I have. At least I try to. In this way my love grows.

I do my best to stay as present as possible with everything I do that I chose to do. I do this when I am with friends, at an event, spending time with my boy. The thing is to find some void time in between and some time that I do that for myself, or it gets too much and burn out can happen.... its like constant NRE otherwise. All about balance and boundaries really.
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:59 PM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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Love is infinite?

If you consider that meeting someone takes time, and you only have limited time, you will see that love is indeed limited. The time you spend in bed on the Sunday morning with your existing love(s) is less time you spend finding new ones.

Furthermore the human brain can only have so many active relationships in it, so the brain is finite in its storage capabilities. If you think you can remember the date of births, maiden names, how many siblings, their siblings dobs/jobs/relationship, name of parents, fond childhood memories, things they hate, things they like, places they visit, etc, of even say 20 people then I think you're probably the human equivalent of the internet.

So yes, the more loves you have the less love you can have with one particular person. There are however exceptions to this rule. New loves can lower the amount of life chores needed and therefore give you more time with your loved one. A more detailed example.

Jane and Joe spends 10 hours a week on house chores and cooking, and 44 hours working and traveling to work. They also sleep for 56 hours each week. This equals 110 hours out of 168 hours in the week that is devoted to non "them" tasks. It leaves them 58 hours of possible them time.

They fall in love with a cute girl named Rosy. They drop their work hours down to 30 hours because they now have 3 incomes. Their chores go down to 7 hours each. They now have an extra 17 hours each week to spend with each other. Consider that many things we enjoy can be enjoyed with 3 people as with 2, and you'll find the actual quality time Jane and Joe can spend has increased dramatically. Add children into the mix and it just compounds it. Now Jane and Joe can often have time alone as Rosy takes care of the kids, and vice versa.

It's why closed triads, and to some extent quads, make the most logical sense of all the polyamory relationship types. That said, any closed group of low enough size will have the same qualities but also have more potential for mishap as you increase the number of people in the group.

Last edited by preciselove; 03-21-2011 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
...........
My thinking has been that I need and want to give all of my romantic, intimate, love to one man if he was my husband, or committed partner.
Hmmmmmmmmmm..............

So.....this is "YOUR" thinking ? You've sat back and thought this all through, analyzed the different options and made a conscious choice that this thought process is the 'best' ?

That would be very commendable

Especially given that for the majority of western society, they were spoon fed that from birth until it was sufficiently embedded that it would be difficult to discover or dislodge.

Oh - and while we're at it..............

What exactly IS love ?
Is it like a currency we can spend ourselves broke ? i.e "give it all" away
Is it tied specifically to some action ? i.e. no action = no love ?

I don't know...............

GS
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:43 PM
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RitaFire RitaFire is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hmmmmmmmmmm..............

So.....this is "YOUR" thinking ? You've sat back and thought this all through, analyzed the different options and made a conscious choice that this thought process is the 'best' ?

That would be very commendable

Especially given that for the majority of western society, they were spoon fed that from birth until it was sufficiently embedded that it would be difficult to discover or dislodge.

Oh - and while we're at it..............

What exactly IS love ?
Is it like a currency we can spend ourselves broke ? i.e "give it all" away
Is it tied specifically to some action ? i.e. no action = no love ?

I don't know...............

GS
Are you being a bit sarcastic with me?

What works for some may not work for others. Or it may take others longer to figure it all out. And I am not being judgemental on the choices one decides on how they want to live their life. What works for them may or may not work for me or vice versa. I am doing self-reflection. Not passing judgement.

And I understand the view of the "Monogamy Cult". Rob and I have talked about it extensively.
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
Are you being a bit sarcastic with me?
Good catch Rita But in a good way.

Because there are some legit questions in there.

Where DO we get certain ideas and assumptions ? It's good to have that question come up because it's one we don't ask ourselves that often. And the answer is critical.

When we're really trying to understand things and chart a course we believe is best for ourselves and others we care about, we need solid, accurate facts to base our decisions on. And as we all discover as we mature, we weren't always given the whole truth along the way. Remember the tooth fairy ?
So we get more skilled at taking a time out and looking below the surface of our assumptions.

"love" in general is a biggie that way. It's been painted many colors and has many meanings and labels associated with it. How can you have a discussion including a primary word until you have absolute clarity what that word even means (to you) ? Right ? So although I did choose to frame that in a sarcastic way for the humor value, the question is still an important one

Good luck.

GS
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